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  • FEEL SO ILL

    For people making and maintaining change in their gambling. Connect, ask questions, offer advice, and share your story in here. If you are new to the site drop in and say hello!
    blastoise (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 4:49 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Wed Oct 26, 2016 1:18 pm

    Hi Izzi,
    I seems like these issues are causing you quite a bit of stress, and I really feel for you given that it sounds like you are moving, starting a new job, have some financial stress, and uni starting next year! One thing I want to say is to take a step back and consider what your tasks are here. I encourage my clients to write lists and go through them with no end date (often this just adds to the pressure!), and slowly make their way through them, as even for myself it gives me a sense of achievement (I use this for uni and housekeeping). Start with things like: pack to move, call Gamblers Help and get the number of financial counsellors, ring one a day and find out when they can be seen, go for a walk, do something relaxing etc.
    As mentioned by Ang and Pamela, I think that the first step is seeking some advice from a financial advisor or financial counsellor (this varies from state to state). They are good at providing a more objective view of what needs to be done based on what you tell them. I would however say that I think you suggestion of paying smaller amounts off the loan (such as $100 instead of $200 is much more achievable, and will hopefully provide some routine to paying off the loans) is a fantastic idea, so start with that!
    In terms of the study loan, I would encourage to speak to you uni student admin team, and maybe ask which books are essential, and which ones you can hire or rent. One thing I know many people do is that text books required by uni are often available through your uni library if you search the database. That way you can read and hire them when you need to without any cost. There are also a couple of websites I would encourage you to have a look at for cheaper uni text books. These are:

    https://www.zookal.com/
    https://www.jekkle.com.au/
    http://www.thecampusbookstore.com/Category/Rental

    These can help, as it is stressful to try and have the money to books before the semester, and we want to try and reduce stress for you where we can, and with everything else going on.
    Keep up the good work, and keep us posted Izzi 

    Cheers
    Blastoise
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:47 pm

    I am feeling so happy today!

    Day 6......yes day 6 I have not been clean for 6 days in a row in a while so I am feeling pretty proud of myself.

    I am starting to feel like this could be possible, that it is possible.

    Tomorrow I get paid and feeling very courageous that I will not succumb to cg.

    Perhaps this is the beginning of the beginning.
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Thu Oct 27, 2016 6:57 pm

    Blastoise Hi :)

    Thank you for writing to me I love the advice it really thoughtful.

    The good news is that I have already moved and already started uni, about to hit uni holidays very soon. As for the advice regarding books, you are very right, they do have the books in the library (just need to get in before other students) there is also the option of second hand. This semester I brought one brand new book (did not even use it) and one second hand (which I use all the time). I will make things as minimal as possible for myself in terms of adding on financial pressure because I really do get overwhelmed. In fact, I feel like a loser sometimes, even today a part of me wished I was only 26 years old so I had an opportunity to start over and not be a 34 year old with no money and not many achievements.

    Once I post this I am going to call the bank and re-negotiate another arrangement with them as I am not financially ready to make the entire monthly payments, due to the cash advance loans. Hopefully they say yes after I explain how much debt I currently have.
    I really should call a financial counsellor.... well sort of, I need to figure out where I stand in terms of the cash advances to see if I need further assistance. At the moment though I am pushing that to one side just until I get through the next exam, it is just around the corner.

    Lists! I will make lists! I just start going for walks as well. I began reading which is a very positive sign, I am not thinking about when I am going to cg next but what will I read next. And normally the day before payday I am profusely thinking about the next pay and getting the pay slip etc... today I was really cool, did not wake up obsessed thinking about money. I still do think about it especially when trying to come up with great plans on how to succeed (hehe very far from this one).

    Thank you for all the advice - keep it coming.
    0 x
    annie 
    Junior Member
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:37 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:50 pm

    CONGRATS on day 6 !!!!

    You sound so happy and we are happy for you too, I know how big this is for you !

    Don't let that happy feeling go, it feels so good and that means something is changing in you, When was the last time you felt like this ? The 'urge ' is going to come and you need to be prepared for it , to fight it and hang onto that happy feeling. Look at the 'urge' as your enemy ( which it is ) and think about your plan of attack.Don't let it win, you can do this just stick to your plan for when you get paid next, that will be the test.

    What I have found now is that I feel accountable to those I have responded to on this site and those who are supporting me and this is helping me also to fight it. Still have a long way to go & unfortunately there's no quick fix .

    How's it going with your dad ? Also I recall you writing that you felt so old , unaccomplished , & sad. That's what we get from gambling , those feelings that contribute to the anxiety , the sickening feeling of being in this alone and the phone calls from the lenders wanting their money. and now you have the feelings of happiness and feeling proud of yourself.

    Have you thought about seeing a counsellor again and in particular a financial counsellor ? Stick to your plan for Friday , perhaps buy yourself a small treat rather than give any money away and be down in the dumps again.

    You've got to believe in yourself .... You Can do this Izzi....

    Take care till next time.
    0 x
    annie 
    Junior Member
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:37 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:59 pm

    Hi again , we must have both been on here at the same time. I thought I better add that it is really important that you organise to see a financial counsellor , firstly it's free through this site and secondly they will work with the lenders on your behalf to reduce the monthly repayments to a lesser amount and in my case they are not charging any interest , just have to repay the debt. They make allowances for living expenses, but then it is up to you do the right thing and the counsellor does NOT tell the lender that the money has been used for gambling..

    talk soon..
    0 x
    annnie
    Senior Member
    Posts: 201
    Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:07 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:46 pm

    Hi Izzy

    Haven't heard anything from you for a while, hope all's good and you are well. During the online upgrade there were some tech issues and couldn't log into the site for a while. I still can't log in under my old email account and had to set up another one. Just thought I'd check in with you hope you are ok and hope you get to read this and manage to log in ok.
    0 x
    blastoise (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 4:49 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri Nov 18, 2016 3:28 pm

    HI Izzy,

    Yes I must apologise for the tech issues, I don't think they were aware that it would take as long, we were also unable to login to post anything, sorry about that.

    How has everything been since you were last on? What's been good?

    Blastoise
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:32 pm

    HELLO HELLO! OMG THE SITE IS BACK!

    I tried so many times to logon and update you all, I got up to day 8 an I slipped up - in fact I won a little bit of money and put it straight on my debt. A week later after I got paid though I lost ALL MY PAY. I hadn't even paid any of my debt or even filled up petrol etc.... I stole money from my father (got to his money box terrible) to cg - I won but lost it all. And now I am back to square one with no money and I have to wait 7 days to get paid. I do not even have food, lucky for me my cafe job owes me for a couple of hours so I have enough for petrol and some food. I also have to pay my dad back, i took note of what I took it is easy to give it back. I am just worried that he can open his money box any day and he will notice it gone. I have not been able to sleep for a week, uni is over (yes) and yet I feel more stress than ever! I have to continue being on the road to recovery.

    It felt so good when I was clean and I was so happy - this yucky cg feeling is gross.

    I have also started chatting with a boy from a dating site and I know if I am ever going to be able to commit emotionally I need to sort out my priorities. I have not slept in a week, it is really bad! I am holding on and continuing on. I am 5 days clean.

    Thank you all for your love - WEBSITE NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!
    0 x
    annnie
    Senior Member
    Posts: 201
    Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:07 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:53 pm

    Hi Izzy ,

    Happy to hear from you, I was concerned when the site wasn't operating that there may be some people struggling. As you hadn't posted for a while I thought I would go onto your post in the hope that you would see it as a guest if you were trying to log in and were not able to. I know I got so frustrated whilst I could not log in, and it was a tough time as I took it as another rejection.

    You're in recovery and you had a lapse, that's what my counsellor has said in the past. I don't use it as an excuse but a reason to fight harder against the addiction. Initially I couldn't feel the anger that others do , now I can as I am beginning to feel again after being numb & down for so long.

    On payday head straight to the supermarket and exchange cash/ eftpos for vouchers ( coles/woollies) that you can get both petrol & groc for the week. Safeways has the wish card & essentials card - , coles for groc - I'm not sure about petrol from shell express. I wish Aldi has vouchers as their groc are much cheaper ! I have found this very useful when I get extra cash and is now becoming a habit. Every cent now has value to me, yet the yellow notes never did , guess I am beginning to respect it.

    Have you managed to get in touch with a counsellor ? in regards to your father that's a tough one, perhaps it's time to have a chat fess up and ask for his support in beating this ? This horrible addiction changes us in many ways, fight for the real you.

    I am babysitting dogs for the night at the moment and it's $20 to go into the petrol tank. Yep it's tough and it is what it is.....

    Good to hear from you, take care..
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Sat Nov 19, 2016 7:00 pm

    Hello Annie,

    I def hadn't checked the website for a couple of weeks due to having exams.

    I normally do get vouchers first thing in the morning cause I do not normally work on the day that I get paid. I am working this pay day though and told myself already first thing I am doing is getting a full tank of petrol. And will go to shops after work and get a grocery voucher.

    I got paid today, was enough to put in $25 petrol and buy food for 3-4 days. I cg it in hope to win a little more, got greedy and now it is gone. I got $40 from my dads money box - SO BAD. I asked a friend for $30 to tie me over until payday (it def would go towards food or petrol), she said she could not help. I may need to ask my parents, cause $15 for food really is not enough unless I live just on noodles and like an apple each day LOL.
    I am laughing because I have nothing else to do. I also need to keep in mind it is nearly CHRISTMAS! I need to have enough for presents.
    I am going to give dad back some of the money on Friday - I HOPE TO GOD HE DOES NOT PLAN TO OPEN IT FOR ANOTHER COUPLE OF WEEKS AT LEAST AS THAT WILL GIVE ME TIME.

    Funny thing is I had to replace this box and the last one at the shops has a dent on it, he is going to notice that it has been changed. But he will also see that all the money is there. So maybe he will think he just brought it like that. I do not know I have not been able to find a similar one, shops seem to be out of stock.

    AS I write this I can see how stupid this sounds.

    My last option is to tell him because I know I will end up on the street. He does not get cg, have given him information and spoken to him about it but he does not understand.
    0 x

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