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  • Wife of a gambler

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Avakate
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:21 pm

    Wife of a gambler

    Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:30 pm

    I found out my husband of 21years has been gambling behind my back. I separated from my husband around 18months ago after I found out. He never even told me first. My problem is that the financial stress and relationship break down has caused me to hit rock bottom. I don’t see a way forward with my life. I’m sad, lonely and hurt. I tell my ex-husband my feelings but he tells me he has said sorry plenty of times & what more can he do. He tells me he has stopped gambling. This doesn’t go away for me.
    2 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 522
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:33 am

    hello @Avakate
    Welcome to the forums!
    Its always difficult when these types of things happen as a result of someone gambling. I'm sorry to hear. Its understandable that you'd feel hurt and a little lost at the moment. Its a grieving process that can be hard to deal with. Do you have anyone in your life that is of support to you during this time?
    Many people on the forums have experienced heartache from a loved ones gambling and know how destructive it can be. But i'm glad you have chosen to share with us all for some support.

    Are there any other members who have similar experiences that would like to share with Avakate ?
    1 x
    Avakate
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:21 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:10 am

    Thank you for your reply Calvin. You asked if I had support....in the beginning yes. I had a lot. However, time moves forward and so do people. Everyone moves on with their lives because, hey their lives didn’t change. The problem with mine is that I don’t fit into my old life anymore. It’s easier to keep to myself rather than be routinely hurt. Gambling destroys families and I know because it shattered mine. Like I mentioned in my earlier post....almost two years on but I’m more broken today than ever. The damage gambling causes gets worse in time because of the financial burden and relationship breakdown that occurs. None of this ever leaves you.
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    Mish_27
    Member
    Posts: 52
    Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:32 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:47 pm

    Hi Avakate,

    Sometimes the effects of someone else's gambling can last even after you leave the situation. It sounds like you have been going through a really difficult time. Have you noticed any positive changes since you have left? and have you ever had any professionals supports?
    1 x
    pricey1981
    Junior Member
    Posts: 21
    Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2020 8:15 am

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Mon Sep 21, 2020 4:21 pm

    Avakate wrote:
    Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:10 am
    Thank you for your reply Calvin. You asked if I had support....in the beginning yes. I had a lot. However, time moves forward and so do people. Everyone moves on with their lives because, hey their lives didn’t change. The problem with mine is that I don’t fit into my old life anymore. It’s easier to keep to myself rather than be routinely hurt. Gambling destroys families and I know because it shattered mine. Like I mentioned in my earlier post....almost two years on but I’m more broken today than ever. The damage gambling causes gets worse in time because of the financial burden and relationship breakdown that occurs. None of this ever leaves you.
    Hi @Avakate
    I've read what you are going through and i get it honestly. The lies and betrayal. I'm a gambling addict. I just left my house for a while to try and make change and hopefully fix my marriage.
    I caught up with my wife this morning for a coffee and just chat and talk about anything and everything.
    The thing that has stuck with me and which i picked up is in your comment is everyone else moves on but your life doesn't fit anymore you are broken.
    My wife today told me that she is broken. Honestly this is the worst thing i have ever heard and it destroyed me inside. The thing is when you are so consumed with everything that is gambling that you dont think or care how its going to affect other people. You do whatever it takes to get your fix and then you handle everything else after.
    If only i had this sense of remorse and urge to fix myself and save my marriage earlier. You didn't deserve what you went thru, no one does.
    I have lost family/friends. I just saw a pic online of a group of my best mates for over 20 years go out to celebrate their 40th's and i wasn't invited. I wonder why? oh i know.. i chose gambling over everything else.
    I honestly hope you are able to move on and are able to have the life you deserve. It's weird but when you see/hear other people going through the things that you yourself have inflected on others you feel the pain and part of the problem. Good luck!
    1 x
    Avakate
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:21 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:56 pm

    Hi @pricey1981,
    I appreciate and thank you for sharing your story. From your comments I could sense your genuine contrition of your actions. I also felt the emotion in what you talked about. Your wife, your friendships....I understand they were important to you. Yet my husband seems incapable of any type of feeling about these things. I understand how you can do such hurtful things whilst your in the throws of a gambling addiction.....I just don’t understand that when you’ve ‘stopped’ how you can pretend like it never happened? @pricey1981 I wish you good luck in rebuilding the trust of those you loved & hurt.
    2 x
    Avakate
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 11:21 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:21 pm

    Hi @Mish_27
    In the beginning I did find small ‘positives’ in life to keep me going. I have seen Dr’s and had ongoing counselling.....but now at the end of the day none of this changes. That’s what I’ve learnt. You’ve still been betrayed and lied to in the cruelest of ways. I’ve not only lost who I thought was my soul mate but I’ve lost money that provided me with security. In another 15months I’ll be 50 & there is no possible way I have the years left to turn this disaster around. I’m just sad & broken that Ive worked really hard all my life only to have someone take it out from underneath me. To inflict such pain and suffering towards another person & then turn around & say but I said sorry? Is sorry supposed to make everything right?
    1 x
    loose_thread
    Member
    Posts: 44
    Joined: Mon Jun 24, 2019 8:49 am

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Wed Sep 23, 2020 2:45 pm

    @Avakate

    Sorry does not make everything all right. Sorry has to be accompanied by real efforts made in the direction of change. I can really empathise with the frustration and sense of hopelessness you must feel, when your partner would rather forget what has happened, which would also mean disavowing what you must be going through, as it would be a reminder.

    Do not lose hope, and don't feel as though nothing can be made of this disaster. It's an incredibly alienating thing when you partner does not acknowledge the depth of their actions or the effects they've had on you. But there are others out there who have been through what you're going through and can be there as sources of support. You did a brave thing leaving your husband, that must not have been easy. That shows real strength on your part, and an ability to, if not turn things around, then to turn thing in another direction.

    It sounds like you were robbed, of more than just money. And your husband is in your debt. I know you left him quite some time ago, but it sounds to me like this debt has been left unpaid, and so of course it would still be hanging over you! Right now, guidance and advice, therapeutic or legal, and emotional support from those who understand, will be important resources to draw upon.

    And don't despair about your age, 50 is the new 40, as they say!

    loose_thread
    1 x
    Aris Mum
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:06 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:23 pm

    Hi. My partner of 12 months is also a gambler. At first he hid it until I found out and confronted him about it. He was a drug addict too but has managed to get up 70 days clean so he knows hevhas this addictive, compulsive behaviour but i don't think he sees a problem with the gambling. Recently he started work and his peer at work goes onto online poker which is one of his favourite gambling types and also the horses. Last weekend $50 blown. During the week trief to do online poker but it failed and today decides to have a punt on the horses but doesn't consult me first. He also got his bosses online login details during the week as he has acess to the online poker site my partner jad trouble getting into. I believe he may try to gamble on the sly behind my back. When I confront he gets angry. My addictions were drugs but when and since I put them down now I overeat a bit and smoke cigarettes which he doesn't do but I don't gamble or spend excrss on online shopping etc. He bullies me a little bit about my habits amd tries to change me but when I mention the gambling he gets angry the last few days we have been snapping at each other which gambling may be an outlet for him. Either way I am not sure how to get around it. I fear he can admit he is a drug addict but says thevgambling is not an addiction but i see thre same behaviours playing out and I am not sure how to assertively deal with it without been agressive in my dusscussion about it. He also has a very controlling nature. Any tips on how to have this talk without it getting heated and into full blown arguement.
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    sherpa09 (facilitator)
    Member
    Posts: 81
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:00 pm

    Re: Wife of a gambler

    Mon Oct 05, 2020 9:59 am

    Hi Aris,

    Its Sherpa09 here (one of the moderators on the forum). It sounds as though things have been quite difficult in trying to support your partner with his gambling issue and can understand how you've reached out for support.

    In terms of approaching your partner about his gambling issue, its about catching him at the right time, where he may be in a relaxed or calm mood. You also want to be mindful and remember to use I-statements instead of "you" statements. When using I-statements you come from a place of understanding and support, where as" you" statements can come more from a place of judgement.

    For example.. you could state "I'm here to support you in getting through this" or "I'm hearing things are tough and I'm passing on this information as I care for you" rather than "you have been displaying these negative behaviours" or "you have only made things worse with your gambling".

    By using I-statements it can show your partner that you care for him and not pointing the finger and judging.
    If anyone else on the forum has some tips they'd like to share, we'd love to hear from you!

    Take care Aris and look forward to your future posts.

    Regards,

    Sherpa09.
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