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  • My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    greengrace95
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:58 am

    My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Tue Mar 03, 2020 10:17 am

    Good Morning everyone,

    I’ve been with my partner since April last year and we’ve had a very happy relationship until recently. At the end of last year he took a trip to America with one of his friends and went to lots of sporting events. He asked me for money, saying that there was a situation with his bank, that he couldn’t access his funds and that he’d pay me back as soon as he could access his banking back in Australia. I obliged because I honestly believed him.

    When he returned he was a little different; withdrawn, mood swings, unhappy for no apparent reason. I always tried to “fix it” and blamed it on myself and our relationship. At the beginning of this year I moved to another city with him. I have no contacts here, I started a new job, we purchased appliances and furniture together, we pay rent together etc.

    His strange behaviour continued and he became very secretive, on his phone for hours on end, tilting the screen away from me and just generally looking sad. I’ve been feeling very down because of this and kept searching for answers, mostly blaming myself.

    I stared having issues with my internet banking. I’d log on and see that there were multiple transactions to him for “rent” or “groceries” or “bills” on a daily basis. My funds were rapidly dropping and I was concerned, but never considered him. He told me he phoned the bank and that it was a know issue, and we logged on and deleted all of his details and the transactions I’d set up for the future. He told me to change banks.

    Unfortunately this continued, and I should have kept a closer eye on my balance but it was too late. Yesterday morning I checked my balance and I had $500 to my name, my entire life savings were gone. I spoke to him about it and he laughed blaming the “stupid bank” and told me he’d call them at lunch to sort it out.

    Tired of waiting, I phoned the bank at my lunch break in the morning. As I explained the issue, I realised how ridiculous it sounded and they had to very gently explain that it isn’t a know issue and that somebody was accessing my phone and making these transactions while I was asleep... They locked my account and begun a criminal investigation.

    My hands were shaking. I couldn’t believe that my partner could have anything to do with it. I completely believed every single lie he told me. I racked my brain to try and think of a reason he would have to do this to me. Devastated, I contacted him saying we needed to talk and we both left work.

    We met up at a park near our house. I have never seen a more broken man in my life. I expected to feel angry, betrayed and terribly hurt. In truth I felt all of these things but I overwhelmingly felt pity for him. He revealed that he has had a gambling addiction over the past 5 years and has a debt of over $50,000 to various banks and friends. He explained it as well as he could, and although I don’t understand what it feels like to be addicted, I could tell that he never meant to hurt my and regrets it deeply.

    We began making plans to fix this, and I told him he must commit and end this now otherwise there’s nothing I can do. He agreed and thanked me for supporting him, saying he needs me to help him out of this mess.

    I flew home to my family last night to clear my head. I was too ashamed to tell my parents the whole story, but I told them everything about the part where he stole money from me. They were so disappointed. This is the man who I’m supposed to marry and who promised to look after me... My mum is concerned about my safety and my own finances. It breaks my heart to know that it’s too late...

    I’ve told my partner that he needs to return my money ASAP otherwise I cannot help him. He is going to try and apply for a loan to pay me back which is far from ideal but to be honest I don’t care right now, I just need my financial independence if I’m going to be able to move forward.

    His parents are quite wealthy and I have urged him to ask them for help, but he is scared of them. They are aware that he has been gambling again and even that he told me. They don’t know the extent though. Last night my partner told his brother who lives with us. His brother disowned him and said he never wants anything to do with my partner again, and that he is so angry that he’s ruining my life too.

    I guess I don’t really know what to do at this point. I never asked for any of this, and I don’t know if I’m equipped to help him through this. When asked if he’s worth it, my answer is still a yes but under the condition that he sorts himself out now because I have goals and dreams that I want to achieve.

    I’m curious to hear about your experiences. What has it been like for you being a family / friend / partner to someone with a gambling addiction? Can they change? Should I stick along for the ride?
    2 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 501
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Wed Mar 04, 2020 12:30 pm

    Hi @greengrace95
    I'm Calvin, one of the facilitators here on the forums. Welcome, and thankyou for sharing your experiences. It sounds like its been a pretty tough ride for you so far.
    I'm sorry you had to go through that.
    Many people on the forums may have similar experiences to yourself in regards to their partner or other family members having a gambling issue.
    It's incredibly difficult for someone in your position.
    Sounds like you want to see some action taken on his end and i think Its admirable that you are able to also keep focused on what you want your future to look like and what goals you aim to reach.

    Do any members have any words of advise or support for Greengrace95 during this time?
    1 x
    liont
    Junior Member
    Posts: 7
    Joined: Mon Dec 10, 2018 5:31 pm

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Mon Mar 09, 2020 2:07 pm

    Hi there,

    I'm so sorry that you've been through this ordeal.
    I was clueless for many years about my husbands gambling addiction and when the truth came out it was devastating for me and once I saw the truth I couldn't unsee it. Unfortunately we broke up as I could not cope with his gambling.
    Although the marriage broke down I have recovered well. One of the important things for me was to reach out and get support. I encourage you to do likewise as this is a heavy burden to carry.
    I found this forum is helpful and realising that you're not alone on the journey. I also obtained free unlimited counselling from Mission Australia as I had been impacted by gambling.
    I hope this helps xxxx
    1 x
    Disillusioned
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:58 am

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:21 am

    Dear Grace,
    I’m so sorry you are experiencing this, actually you have basically written my story for me.
    I married for the 2nd time 16 years ago. My first marriage ended through DV, emotional & financial abuse.
    My now husband was everything I had dreamed of, kind, funny, great company etc, etc.
    We opened a joint bank account prior to getting married as this was the norm.
    We would often go to our local club on a Sunday afternoon for the meat raffles , looking back this was a cover for him to play a pokie machine. I wasn’t concerned at this stage as I just assumed this was only an occasional thing. Silly me!
    My husband controlled the finances, mortgage, bills etc.
    Fast forward Oct 2018, I was working full-time (I always have) & he would ring me sometimes to say your pay hasn’t gone in , ive got bills to pay & I was like, my pay should be in at lunchtime today, anyway my gut was telling me this is weird. I then had a medical appointment that I went to pay for ( I was paid 2 days prior) & my debit card was declined. I was confused & rang my husband & he said don’t worry I’ll transfer the payment know & when I asked about my pay he said he had loans to pay. Now I was getting suspicious. I logged into internet banking & to my horror he had been withdrawing thousands of dollars from our joint account to play pokie machines while he was away working, he works away 7 on 7 off, on his days off when I was at work, when I was at the hairdressers, any opportunity he had. I confronted him & he admitted to the gambling, I was devastated beyond belief. My mum had given me some of my inheritance money after my dad passed away to help when I was in between jobs ( moved from Airlie Beach to Brisbane) & he gambled this, or paid towards credit cards, I’m not sure. So last week he asks me to approve a $50K increase on the mortgage to pay his gambling debt, he’s basically asking me to pay off a debt that he incurred with my wages anyway. I have refused to do this & honestly I don’t know if I can stay with him anymore. The trust has gone & I’ll never get that back. I don’t know where to go from here, . I hope it works out for you & you get your money back xx
    2 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 501
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Fri Mar 13, 2020 10:56 am

    So sorry @Disillusioned that is heartbreaking. It just goes to show how destructive gambling can be, not just for the gambler themselves but for to those closest to them
    1 x
    Disillusioned
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:58 am

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Sun Mar 22, 2020 5:38 pm

    I don’t understand the mentality of some people. My husband called me this morning & said “ guess what” his daughter (my step daughter) is pregnant with twins & im like ok, that’s nice . I hate that he had taken way any excitement I feel. I have completely distanced myself from his family even though the gambling isn’t their fault . I hate that I feel isolated & cant be happy for any of them. 2 weeks ago when I thought this is it we are done I copied & pasted emails between him & I to his kids, brother, sister. Letting them know that he bought this on me. Not one phone call from any of them asking if I am ok. The whole marriage & relationship with them had been a big F liar . I hope I get COVID the. I won’t have to stress anymore
    0 x
    TheTeam
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:38 pm

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Mon Mar 23, 2020 11:19 am

    Hi @Disillusioned, it sounds like you’re having a really stressful time at the moment.
    I’ve sent you a PM, you can see it in your screen’s top right.
    1 x
    KieranFisher
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:20 pm

    Re: My Partners Secret Unraveled Yesterday, What Do I Do Now?

    Tue Jun 30, 2020 6:40 pm

    Yeah, a very horrible situation you've been in. Although anyone can be in this situation if there's a loved one who's addicted to games.
    0 x

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