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  • Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Kate1
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 3:08 pm

    Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Sun May 26, 2013 3:20 pm

    My husband gambles at a nearby casino. It has been about 9 months since I first found out, but I'm sure he has been gambling for much longer. We just found out I am pregnant, and he swore he would definitely cut it out now that we have far more important things on our plate. But it has not stopped. I feel he seriously has a problem, since he has told me many many times that he would not go anymore, but he keeps on going and losing our money. He has been in and out of jobs all this time (and for the past 3 years), not due to the gambling, but I think him not providing enough for us leaves him feeling with more of a drive to win money gambling. I have told him time and time again that even if he did win any money, it would be tainted and I wouldn't even want it. But he doesn't seem to get it whatsoever. I have expressed to him again and again that I believe he has a big problem, since he can't keep his word when he says he will not go to the casino anymore. He tells me it's not a problem and I am making a big deal out of nothing. The two times he lost his job recently (just over a week ago, and another time back in Jan.), he gambled away his entire final paycheck. Who does that when they just lost their job?! Hello?! ....we need every single penny to pay the bills! I have constant resentment that I am always putting my entire paycheck towards necessities and bills, while he is losing so much of any income he brings in. I also have resentment and sadness that he would rather be at the casino than home at night with me. Before we lived close to a casino, he always spend nights at home with me....as normal couples do. Now, he wants to leave pretty much every night. It really makes me feel like crap and so alone.

    In the past months, he has lost thousands of our money that we need to pay for bills. We are behind on our mortgage and credit card payments and sometimes are short for groceries. He thinks me giving him $40 here and there is no big deal. I try to just not give in, but at times he gets angry and I have no choice but to give him cash. I can't give him the bank card because he will blow it all. I now have to hide the bank card so he can't take it. I have to hide any cash I have as well. He has woken me up on several occasions at 2 or 3 in the morning asking me for the bank card. Because I refuse, I have to run to the atm at that hour to get cash for him so he won't walk around slamming things and being angry. I don't think he would hurt me....but I sure as hell don't want to find out, so I go get him the cash. Yes...I realize I am in a mess! I have been ready to leave him each time he failed at keeping his word of not gambling again, but now that I am pregnant, I really want to work this out. We have been married almost 7 years and I have wanted a baby for years. I feel ashamed that I got pregnant at this point. He was doing really well and not gambling much at all for a couple of months and we had decided to go ahead with the baby plants. But now he is back to wanting to gamble all the time. I have constant fear, anxiety...night after night...that he will have another episode. If he doesn't think there is a problem, is there nothing at all I can do? HELP!
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    Sandra
    Junior Member
    Posts: 10
    Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 4:58 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Sun May 26, 2013 5:04 pm

    I think you should leave him.

    Sorry but he will need to hit rock bottom to want to help himself. Loosing his family will be rock bottom if he really loves you and wants the baby.

    This does not mean that you give up on your life together, but he needs to know that you will not be living under the same roof with him untill he accepts he needs help.

    Sandy
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    POPEYE
    Senior Member
    Posts: 664
    Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:28 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a probl

    Sun May 26, 2013 9:36 pm

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    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:15 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Sun May 26, 2013 10:15 pm

    Hi Kate1,Welcome to theforum. My name is Anna and I'm one of the facilitators here. I am glad that youhave made contact as it sounds like you are going through a really tough timewith your husband. Partners often talk about feelings of sadness, resentment,hurt, fear and a whole host of challenging emotions. You mentioned a lot ofthese and I also wondered about the impact of being pregnant at this time. I amconscious that while this can be a very exciting and happy time, it can also feelquite overwhelming and vulnerable for women, particularly as it can lead tohaving to rely more on your partner for both emotional and practical support ata time when it may feel like you can't!.... You talked about feeling ashamedthat you got pregnant, I know words are unlikely to shift this feeling quickly butI wanted to say it sounded like you made a decision at a time when things weregoing well, how were you to know that this would change? It also seemed thatthis was a decision you both made?? Is that right?
    You, Sandy and Popeye have highlighted the importance of your husband's commitment to want to change for things to improve.... I wondered if others have any advice to offer on how to manage this difficult time of uncertainty...what helped to get through? .... to make decisions to leave or stay?
    I also have tobe honest, I am concerned about your husband's use of anger to get more moneyand it sounds like there is a part of you that is fearful of testing this. I feel that it isimportant for me to say that there is no excuse for anyone getting angry orbehaving in the way you describe. How to manage this is behaviour when it is someone you lovecan be tricky which left me wondering if you have any body supporting you? Howare getting yourself through the days? Do you think it could be helpful to getsome professional support? Do others here have any experience with familymembers seeking support? Lots of questions....I hope you don't feel overwhelmed Kate1...reading your post made me think about a lot of things in particular the dilemmas partners face in being in a relationship with someone who has a gambling problem...
    It's a courageous step to take to share your story here, I hope you will stay in touch,
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    Linda2
    Senior Member
    Posts: 153
    Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:53 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Tue May 28, 2013 11:31 pm

    Hi Kate1

    So sorry to read your story, for your husband to be doing that to you is very unfair, unfortunately when you are on a gambling binge nothing will stop you until the money runs out or the lateness of the hour. Usually both for me.

    I have driven home (30 minutes each way) 3 times in a night just to get more money, I was just so desperate to win and the thought of having to admit that it was all gone (my pay, bill money, credit card maxed) was worse.

    But of course when it is all gone, you try and hide it and pretend that everything is fine and continue to do it time and time again.

    So you need to talk about it even if it means going to go to the Casino with him, you need to make him understand that it is just not worth it.

    There is hope and a new baby congratulations to you both and hopefully you can sort it out with him.

    Good luck - Linda2
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    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Wed May 29, 2013 11:04 pm

    Wow Linda, what bravery in your honesty. I felt so connected when reading your post...

    Home time for me now but hopefully we can chat soon

    Angelina
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    Kate1
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 3:08 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Sat Jun 01, 2013 5:27 pm

    Thank you all for the replies. It's so great to have a forum as an outlet. I tried to get support from my husband's family (who lives close by...my family is not in the area), and although they tried to help, I ended up feeling like they were irritated w/ me in the end for me not allowing them to intervene. I had hoped they would have some insight of how to help, but after going through all suggestions with nothing helping, they wanted to step in and have a stern talk w/ him and try to get him to seek professional help. I gave my husband the tiniest of hints that they knew some of what was up (saying it was because of all his lies that piled up that some of the secrets were revealed) and he majorly blew up at me and said I had ruined his life by telling them that he had been gambling. So I then denied that I said anything more and tried my best to cover it up. I'm not ashamed that I told them, but I have to live with him, so I had only making my home environment as comfortable as possible on my mind. Besides, it was very clear that his family having a talk with him wouldn't have done any good.

    I also have told several close friends, but again, as with my husband's family, in the end I only felt like they were frustrated with me that I kept complaining again and again about his constant slip ups and treating me badly that they just couldn't understand why I wouldn't just leave him. I haven't told my family only because they are far away and I know they would worry. And, because I don't want them to forever think badly of him in the event that we do make it through this. So yes...I am now feeling completely alone, as I feel I can no longer tell anyone I had once confided in about this without feeling like they are judging me and thinking badly of me. Such a mess.

    I did forward him the quiz to take. But I'm sure he didn't take it. I took it on his behalf to see for myself, and it's very clear that he does have a problem. We even argued just tonight about other things....me just telling him how I was feeling (about the gambling, among many other issues), and he took off again. Considering it is now midnight and we live in a rural area...the only places he could have gone was either to a friend's house or the casino. He only had $20 as far as I know, but I fear he will come back and still be upset/ angry with me and wanting more. I just got paid yesterday and find myself not depositing my paycheck just so it's not sitting in the account. I have opened a secret account that I keep transferring money to. Although another fear of mine is that he will find out about it somehow. Not that he will be snooping around and find it, but that he would find it odd when he realized I just got paid, but there is nothing much in our account. It's so tiresome to have to keep money hidden like this and be constantly transferring money all over the place to cover any bills I have scheduled, etc. I just keep thinking that it is not fair that I have to babysit our money like this.

    Yes, I have talked to him about the gambling soooooo many times. He just keeps telling me it's not a problem and I'm overreacting and that he swears he won't go anymore. Of course I am ALWAYS suspicious that he is going there. Any time he runs out for any errand whatsoever, I fear he has gone to the casino. He hits me up for money to get a few things at the store, but then ends up gone for far longer than he should be. So it he gambling again? I ask him and confront him and try not to accuse him (but basically I am), and he denies it, and says the reason he was gone awhile was because he stopped by his grandpa's or a friend's house, etc. Always has an answer. But I don't really believe him. I'm so sick of not trusting him!

    I think I am going to get myself into therapy. I only recently got insurance, so I had been considering it since I knew I had health insurance on the way. But the past few weeks, I kept putting it off in hopes that my husband would turn things around and I wouldn't need to spend the money on a therapist. But after
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    POPEYE
    Senior Member
    Posts: 664
    Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:28 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a probl

    Sun Jun 02, 2013 12:18 am

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    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:15 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:41 pm

    Hi Kate1,Really good to hear from you. I'm glad that you feel you can use the forum as an outlet. It sounds like it's been a tough week with reaching out for support and finding that people's responses haven't always been helpful or supportive. Sometimes it can be difficult for family and friends to understand the complexity of these situations. I think your decision to reach out for professional support is a really positive and brave one in response, particularly as you expressed concern about getting depressed and feeling anxious. I can understand why you would be feeling this way. I also agree with Popeye that it would be a good idea to send statements somewhere else and wipe your history on your browser to keep yourself safe. I think your concern and comment about your husband's behaviour is also spot on. It seems like his behaviour is unpredictable and given this I would encourage you to continue to be strategic in how you manage it when he is angry. I would be more than happy to talk this over some more through email or PMs if you would like. I hope you can hear that people here on the forum are concerned about you and your safety .... You mentioned that you've got insurance now so that will make it easier to access therapy.... I just wanted to highlight that all gambling counselling services are free across Australia and provide support to family as well as the person with the issue. There is also rebated counselling available through medicare as well as sometimes low cost community services. If you would like more specific info on any of these I can email you details for your area – just let me know. Take care of yourself,Stay in touch,Anna
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    Linda2
    Senior Member
    Posts: 153
    Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:53 pm

    RE: Husband keeps gambling, but says he doesn't have a problem

    Wed Jun 12, 2013 11:33 pm

    Hi Kate1

    Just hope you are ok? And you deserve so much more as does your baby!

    I delete my browsing everytime its in safety on your screen by the way!

    Very easy to do!

    Thinking about you - Linda2
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