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Payday blues...

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Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 1:54 pm

Today is ''payday"... l had a friend come take me shopping and I spent nearly all ($230) bar $7. 36 left in that account... my fridge is full , my bench is laden with two of every thing . l even brought soil for the vegetable boxes I made with old decking wood I salvaged from a friend. l'm actually laughing at myself right now as I recall today s shopping adventure... Every time I picked up something a thought pop up... less money for the pokies...last fortnight I would have put it back... today I put it in the trolley! This time last fortnight I would be sitting in front of a pokie machine perhaps reassuring myself that I'd done a little bit of shopping and perhaps if I win I could do the rest of it and some extra....

At the moment I'm actually feeling somewhat awkward as I write... wasn't I just laughing a moment ago? A thousand thoughts flow through my mind... early day early-days l keep telling myself... be strong... ride the rollercoaster and hang on tight!

I have $100 in another account... I'm terrified of it... I tried to convince my friend to take it... but he said no. It feels really strange knowing its there... temptation is not as strong as I thought it would be... I don't have the urge right now... but it is awkward...

Gamble free day 2 and a half!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Springhope17 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:24 pm

Great work on making it through payday!
I found definitely limiting access to money has made a huge difference. If that $100 scares you maybe you need to do something with it. Pay off a bill early, give it to someone to hold on too or maybe buy a voucher like coles etc.
Don't feel awkward we are all in similar situations. The more you write the more comfortable you become.
I would also recommend trying the online counselling service i found it really helps.
Good luck!
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 4:19 am

Thank you springhope..

.l have been to the pokies for along time since they opened, since the days we could smoke in the venues. One thing I would do is give myself credit for paying the bills but yes there had been times l would have to ask for extensions. l always have food in pantry ... even though only the minimal and scrimped and saved for money for the Pokies ' I am a recovered alcoholic of 14 years. l have over the years put the program to use in gambling and got hints and ideas (online) on how to "quit" the pokies so these were always in the back of my mind (not the front! where it should be ! . The pokies was "my" time and ''my" entertainment ... l don't drink I don't go to the movies I don't go out socialising... I could buy food for 3 days for what it costs for a meal in a cafe ... I don't spend lots of money on clothes ... and on and on full of excuses that gives me a "right'-to put the money in The pokie machines... I'm sick of it... lYing to myself about why I am broke... Iying to my daughter ... lying to my friend when 1 ask for a $20...lying to myself about why I can't save... I've got this abhorrent hatred of money because it changes people.... gosh now here's the waterworks... so perhaps this is why .-or... is it my excuse to feed the pokie machines! the past few months it seems 1 have spent more and more...sitting at the machines I'd often think I could be else where if only I had more money!... I even got rid of my car because it was being to cost too much in repairs ... .

Upon reading back the memory is being to Kick in... and just reading that little above l'm wondering if ithe addict in me Is downplaying the destruction the gambling has / is Caused my life...

l've been trying to quit smoking the past 4 weeks.. I have the gums!,.. the gambler was excited! more money for the pokies.. silly thing!... Yesterday I remembered I had borrowed a few smokes so I had to go out and get a packet ... I had to dip into that $100 ... As I walk out the front I walked the other way to the petrol station and brought a packet .-thinking geesh I could have got a cheaper packet had I walked ' the other way!... pass two venues... who am I kidding!

1 think I ought stop hurting myself ... yesterday seemed to have taken a toll on me mentally & physically ... I was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch at 8 ish... thus here I am in the early hours... crying ... having had 2 cigarettes!... 2 steps forward one step back...!

l ought post this how ever all over the shop it maybe

I'm so glad to found this site... and thank you all for sharing ...l have put on a stone of determination!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:35 pm

day 4 GF ... Spent much of day reading posts and taking notes ...
Thought about ways to change the routes I take to avoid walking past the venues but it would be near impossible, Grateful for having found helpful advice in a post by Jimi68 (Sept 8) " let your legs do the walking ... let your mind catch up later " & "WIN by NOT gambling". There are many persuasive tips from posts etch in mind especially ways of getting through the urges which have given me a great deal of confidence to beat the gambling trap I'd fallen into.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
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Posts: 804
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby DFP » Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:33 am

Hi Mona58

Congratulations on recognising that you want to change, and on your journey so far. Your posts are very insightful. I 100% agree that the gambling disease is forever feeding you lies to get you back on the machines. It is convincing you that you should not go to the movies, that eating out is a waste of money, that you don't need new clothes, that you should only have crap, cheap food etc. But the real intent is that there is money there for gambling. What a miserable life this gambling demon gives us!!! Don't gamble and as your journey progresses, make a point of buying and enjoying something the demon called a waste. After about 20 days GF, I bought a new pair of running shoes (as I had reconnected with my enjoyment of running/walking). They were $250 which I would NEVER have spent while in the throes of gambling. Now, every time I wear them I congratulate my self of being GF. And my feet are much better from having the added support. So my rational mind won against the irrational mind of the gambler!!

Keep posting. Keep thinking things through and sharing. Keep limiting access to cash, and planning ahead. And enjoy your true success of being GF with doing something nice. All the best!
Always a 'work in progress'
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Thu Oct 19, 2017 4:41 pm

Thank you DFP

The lure arrived today ... l visited my daughter and grandson a 2 hour train & bus trip each way. I know many of you might gringe at the thought of it! But I actually enjoy public transport now that I've familarized myself with the timetables ... it beats sitting in peak hour traffic! I'm able to read a book without disruptions and able to sit and reflect.

On my way home this time last week as the previous weeks I would pop into the pokies ... as the train approached my station today... the lure... the pull to the left was there.. Oh just $10.... NO!,, walk... oh come on just $10... bloody Walk... Walk:.. keep walking.... I almost started laughing out loud as I walked in the right direction... arrived home exhausted but PLEASED! yay I WON today!

l also deposited $20 into grandsons account this morning before I left! something I had not done for ages!.

I could do with a new pair of runners soon..-mine are no longer water proof! thanks for the reminder!



An exhausted but happy Mona! day 5 GF
Last edited by Mona58 on Fri Oct 20, 2017 8:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
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Posts: 804
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Payday blues...

Postby Springhope17 » Thu Oct 19, 2017 7:56 pm

Hi Mona,

Congrats on staying strong so far.

I feel like every urge we overcome is a small victory and we should be proud.

Keep taking it one day at a time.
Springhope17
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Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:55 pm

Thanks Springhope

One of the things that played in my mind today was lures ... urges... and temptations. I haven't figured out if each is different or one and the same? I guess l will know as I experience them.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
Senior Member
 
Posts: 804
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Payday blues...

Postby Mona58 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 3:29 pm

Day 6 GF.

This time last week I would leave early for my voluntary job (10am) and pop into the pokies (8am) for a $20 free cuppacino, sometimes another $20 for the second cup ... Sometimes it's more $50 $100... sometimes my purse is empty by the time I leave ... sometimes I even withdraw at the venue but try not to because I hate to pay a $2.50 fee... damn silly gambler!! I may even be late for work...

This morning I felt lost... paced the floor a bit then made myself a really nice breakfast of avocado and poached eggs on muffins and coffee. Did the dishes, made the bed paced a bit more ... checked the posts... paced a bit more... fiddled with my hair... and before I knew it was time to go. l did not feel the urge ... nor temptation... The only thing that l missed was the cuppacino. l think I might reward myself next payday with a coffee machine.... if I stay strong! I'm determined to!

I feel ok right now tired but pleased I've got through another day.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
Mona58
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Posts: 804
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

Re: Payday blues...

Postby Linda6 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 10:12 pm

Hi Everyone

This is my return trip down memory lane. I found this site in 2014 and it helped then and I hope it helps now :)

I had the payday blues on Tuesday where I blew me entire wages and I haven't done that for a few years.
I am also currently in debt well over $40K due to gambling and have 3 years to go before that is paid off.
What started out as fun activity blackjack and pokies has now turned into a gut turning addiction.

What I don't understand is this year in particular I have not won a cent, an example is that I won $3,500 on the Saturday back say in July and within 3 days I had lost it by gambling it back and that has been the pattern all year. Why? I feel that I am so use to losing that it is ingrained, or my behaviour is?

The same on Tuesday I could have walked away with $2,000 but I just kept playing, its insane!

Maybe because I have lost so much that I want the big win the grand prize, but it is so illogical.

So now I sit with $15 in my wallet and direct debits being declined and I am so pissed, but like every other time I will hide the pain and hurt, pick myself up get paid again and catch up with the bills pay them and hopefully do that 1 week at a time.

Even got the "Exclusion form" filled out and ready to go as the last resort.

Sorry if I sound woe is me but reading your post, I thought you would understand and I am not sure if this is the correct way to introduce myself, sorry if I got it wrong!
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