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Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

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Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby Kelpick11 » Mon May 14, 2018 11:07 am

I don't even know where to begin..
This long journey of 7.5yrs has been such a rollacoaster.
We have been together for 7.5yrs and have been married for 1mth (yes one month),..
He had always had the pokie addition well before I came along, he would get his whole pay back then and blow the lot in one night then go to cash converters or other 3rd party cash loan places to keep going..
Before we got together I didn't know a thing about it, IV never had a interest in pokies..
After a while he would say he didn't have money to take me on dates etc, and being a few mths in to this relationship I kept my mouth shut as you know it's knew!..
Anyway as the yrs have gone on at lease monthly I'm faced with a screaming match with him as he gambles all the time.. his family are also gambllers, his brother and both parents use to do it aswell, unfortunately both his parents died within 6wks of eachother due to cancer, that was 4yrs ago.. I remember the night before his mum's funeral we had a big group of family over and he got so angry with me as he'd been drinking and his cuz we're encouraging to go down to the pub so they could gamble.. I said no n took his keys, the result of that was him punching a elec box and the next day had a swallon hand.. IV heard many lies, many "sorrys" but now I'm at a point where its effecting my mentally, I feel like I'm the crazy one for being concerned about money.. his mum had left a considerable amount of money for him and his brother, his brother had an addition aswell and always suffers from a mental illness witch I'm told can also play a role in gamberling.. his brother lives with us (,6yrs this Xmas) and it's like a competition between them.. and I'm not dealing with it well..

We got married a mth ago.. he ruined my wedding week.. we had the rare opportunity for a family member to watch our 3 boys for a few hrs while we "enjoyed" dinner etc.. as soon as we left dinner his like let's go to the pub.. I reluctantly said I didn't want to add I knew what would happen and his always ever saying just $50.. he.. so that I didn't cause a scene I left him have his way.. $1300 in the space of 2hrs while I just say their on my phone watching... I felt like he knew from the start of that night this is what he was going to do after dinner.. witch crushed me.. this was our wedding weekend. And he couldn't even last.. the enxt day we went out with family to a venue for lunch (I cringe everytime we have to go to one), he went in while he left me with the kids and family.. after 20mins we were all leaving... He came in **** at me coz I was rushing him.. and that he couldn't enjoy himself.. in the car I was blamed.. he asked me to drop him off down the Rd where we were staying to another venue.. I cried.. I was angry, I dropped him off and drove back to our accommodation... 2hrs later he calls me to pick him up.. I did.. to save the **** with family I lied saying he was asleep in the cabin..
We got home after it all I had told him he ruined my wedding.. as that's all he could think about, he didn't care.. and still doesn't.. IV tried n tried to hold his cards and have him have cash, IV tried to tell him my feelings and I'm always the "dramatic" one.. and that I need to relax and that I'm just crazy.. he just last week did a course in the city for a new job.. on the Thurs and Fri he was late to footy training and I was 40min to my mother's day kinder night coz after the course he went to a venue . I told him how pissed I was that I'm missing out of stuff with the kids when his ment to be helping on as I can't be at 2 places at once.. I also had a girls night out at the movies with his family and he calls me at 5pm saying he was just leaving the course n he should be back in time.. but the course finished at 2pm I later found out.. he actually put pokies over me..

He spend about 5k in 3wks and won. 9k, back about 2wks ago and was proud coz he got back what he lost.. I was unimpressed as he was gone from 11.30am-,2am the next morning.. hurt and angry I had it out with him..

Of course tho coz he won I was being the downer and the dramatic one, I then open a bank statement last week. Horribied I find $1500 spent of Facebook pokie game.. he jumped up said he was done with me snooping (even tho I opened it near him and always open then) he chased me down the side of the house trying to grab it off me so I wouldn't see the amount he had spent.. he was angry at me.. I said I was leaving and he said good do it.. he didn't care.. IV never been so hurt and the lying is making me so resentful of him ATM.. IV told him I didn't get married for him to hide money or lie to me when I ask him questions.. his responce is his never allow to enjoy it coz inruin it.. IV told him he needs help.. I tried everything.. even down to saying I need to speak to my dad about it as I can't do this anymore.. it's like he knows I won't.. like I'm never gonna follow through.. he cut me from accessing any online accounts as he didn't want me snooping.. I said obviously coz your still doing it, I later find out I was right..

I myself am only on Centrelink..
He was made redundant last Nov and hasn't got a job ATM but is doing the courses for it..

I'm so stressed my mental wellbeing is making me crazy..
I can't parent propley as I'm so on edge, I snap at the kids, I'm **** all the time, I feel hurt, angry, and I don't know what to do...

I feel like I need to leave so he sees I'm 100% serious.. but how the hell do I do that when he knows he has money to fall back on, that's his additude ATM, and I'm watching him fall further n further down and it's scary.. there is so much that we need to do to the house etc and there is no motivation from him.. his got no interest in doing anything with me or the kids.. he sits on his phone all the bloody time.. I don't no how much more I can handle.. I feel like I'll end up in a nut house soon enuf..
I'm sorry if this all seems scattered or doesn't make sense.. my head is everywhere it's so overwhelming for me .

Can anyone help me with advice?
Kelpick11
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby Mona58 » Mon May 14, 2018 1:48 pm

Hello Kelpick '

Sorry that you are in such a dilemma.

I would suggest you call the Gamb Helpline on 1800 858 858. They are not just for gamblers and help spouses too. They will be able to better advice you.

Mona
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby Helplessresentfulhatemoney » Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:32 pm

I have no advice to offer as I am in a very similar position. I just wanted to say your not crazy and none of it is your fault. I know how it feels to be torn between your kids and your husband addiction and it's a difficult one especially with being on centrelink payments (same again).

My husband dependable on what day it is knows he has an issue and whilst his triggers used to be "me" he no longer really has triggers. Having money is a trigger.

He knows he cant be at it on his own but isnt willing to beat it with anyone else's help (men and their pride, its only shooting himself in the foot). I havent had a date night since Nov 2014 no time for dates when there is gambling to be had.

When I discovered that he was gambling I didnt know how to deal with the emotions that come with that, I had been lied to every day about something (it doesnt matter small or big a lie is a lie right) I couldn't and still dont understand how you can do this to the people you love. Which he has made y a time tried to explain it has nothing to do with not loving me or the kids. Which I still cant get my head around and dont think I ever will.

I am now at my wit ends he never honours anything he says, I have zero trust and think he will do anything to get money so he can gamble. I know he feels guilty I can see it in his eyes on the rare occasion I will look at him. We coincide together cause of the kids. He sits in our back room all day and all night (he has finally got a job after a struggling 12 months of unemployment).

Some of the things he has told people in order for them to give him money to gamble is gutwrenching and wrong on so many levels. I stupidly turn a blind eye to it cause I dont know how to deal with. I have good days where I can ignore it or makes promises of changing and fighting for our family but then he will f*ck up for days, like not coming home for hours not answering the phone or texts and then not explaining where has been, builds up and generally erupts like a volcano.

Just recently he won an astronimcal amount of money and the first thing he could muster up was "it's not enough".

Well he has blown it all and it only took him 72 hours he only managed to withdraw $10'000. I'm speechless, angry, hurt, resentful, shocked, sick and still so lost cause he is sick. It's not normal.

I have called the help number and rightly so they have given me some suggestions on how to bring it up with him cause that was always my problem that when I would bring it up with him, I would always somehow make him feel even worse than he already did which makes him close down. Having said that it's very hard to bring it up in without words of angry cause I was and am angry but it was like I was hitting a brick wall. I leave gambling phamplets where he can see them get help ones on the hope he may pick it up when noone is looking. I try to ask questions to make him think about his gambling and its effect. I cant say its actually working but he is at least talking every now and again and sometimes I can see something i have asked ticking in his head.

The other thing i have learnt in all these years is that you cant control their behaviour, I am naturally a controlling person and I automatically tried to control him I would pretend I was him and self exclude him from the sites he played with, he would just go and find someone else to play with but restrict my access to anything by changing all his passwords and then blame me for him having to go out cause he couldn't play at home he couldn't trust me (the hide of him, I know). It made me angrier and angrier that I couldn't control it. I can control my behaviour and how I act or respond to him though once u sorta know you cant control them and he isnt attacking you, it may calm your mind it has mine(even if only for a little).

You need to do what's right for you and your family I do recommend you call the helpline I vented at this woman cause noone knows my husband gambles and she asked questions that I hadn't really ever though about I hope you find happiness in this awful addiction iy impacts all of the family even though they dont think it does!
Last edited by Helplessresentfulhatemoney on Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby sherpa09 (facilitator) » Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:05 am

Hi Kelpick11,

This is Sherpa09 here (one of the moderators at Gambler's help online). It sounds as though you are going through a difficult time at the moment. For ongoing support I suggest calling our gambler's helpline which is 1800 858 858, qualified counselors there will be able to have a chat about your situation and refer you to ongoing longer term support if you wish.

Regards,

Sherpa09
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby Jo-Anne » Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:02 am

Hi....this is so sad and confronting to read. My second marriage ended for all these reasons. I'm afraid that change seems to happen when the gambler hits rock bottom. For me that was my husband leaving me after I went too far. That was 6 years ago and I have managed to survive with a few setbacks along the way. He is much happier and remarried now and I am glad for him. We didn't have any children together. I have many regrets, however have had to move forward to live the rest of my life without this demon living on my back. When I look back, my husband did not understand why I would do these things when I "had him" We had an extremely happy marriage, a second chance for me, and I still stuffed it up and caused him a lot of pain and disappointment.
Please get help for yourselves, talk to the experts and work out a way forward that is right for all of you. In the end the gambler needs a lot of support, and non judgement, but also has to face up to what they are doing, which will happen given time. Look after yourselves and your family first though. All the best Jo
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby BrittV (facilitator) » Mon Jun 25, 2018 11:20 am

Hi kelpick11 and Helplessresentfulhatemoney,
Just wanted to check in on how each of you are, and how things are going for you.

Is there anything we can support you through at the moment?

BrittV
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Re: Hubby doesn't think he had an issue

Postby DesperateWife » Tue Jul 03, 2018 7:41 pm

Hi Kelpick11,
First of all, you are a very strong person for dealing with all of that. That sounds like a really horrible situation to be in.
As a social worker, I would just like to warn you about potential signs of domestic violence. Chasing you down the hall to get the bank statement sounds quite aggressive/intimidating and blocking you from the accounts so you can’t access any money sounds like financial abuse. I’m not saying that it is domestic violence because I’m only judging based on your one post but might be something to think about.
Have you tried going to Centrelink social worker to discuss an emergency loan so you can leave if you wish? The social workers there can sometimes help with that.
I wish you all the best of luck.
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