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Has led to being kicked out.

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Has led to being kicked out.

Postby Broken heart » Sun Dec 10, 2017 9:30 am

Hi, thankyou for listening, needing some advice and support. Been with my husband 20 years, married 4, 2 teenage girls and life has had its struggles but we made it until the last couple of years. My husband started his own business about 4ish years ago in transport, does everything himself, the whole lot, over time that is proving a problem which he wont relent to but keeps soldiering on. Over the last couple of years there has been some money issues ( remember he does all on his own) in the business through non payers (it does happen) but he has never been great with money in general. Well i never though l would have to " check up" on his money but yes there is a gambling problem. $600 here $100, $200 there, sometimes all in one sitting. We do not have a penny to our names, i have worked my whole life and we have no savings. His business is successful if he ran it right but he doesnt, we have fights about that, our kids are lazy so lm constantly fighting with them because my husband is always away and lm left to deal with home, over time he has withdrawn i now notice but it has got to the point he told me to get out. I have to pack up 20 years of marrige and walk out on my family. Im to blame for all the fighting, yes i agree, lve been fighting to keep my family together and it has blown up in my face 10fold. I so dearly love my husband and family but l see the hate in him now. My closest relatives who know us all and understand us and our problems have all told me go with my head held high, they all need a wake up call but to me lm losing everthing that l so dearly treasured. It was all so easliy fixed and lm the one who has copped the worst. One of my daughters wont even speak to me as l keep arging about not wanting her boyfriend here every night. It had come to the point where there is no support from my husband as a partner or a father. I have told them lm leaving as well so they should all be happy and life should be awesome without me. So tired of it all, l cant do anything until he admits there is a major gambling problem, do l sit the girls down after l move and explain to them they are adults 18 & 20. Has anyone had to walk away from your family?
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Re: Has led to being kicked out.

Postby Mona58 » Sun Dec 10, 2017 1:03 pm

I would suggest you ring the Gambling Help line on 1800 858 858.

l feel your pain and really don't know what to say.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Has led to being kicked out.

Postby Jeddie » Sun Dec 10, 2017 1:56 pm

Hi Broken heart, I agree with what Mona said. I am not qualified to answer you other than to say I have read your story and it is very sad. Hopefully one of the counsellors will get back to you on here soon. Ring someone for help. The gambling helpline or Lifeline. 131114. Ring someone today. Do not move out of the house without speaking to someone qualified (unless you want to of course)
IN GAMBLING THE MANY MUST LOSE IN ORDER THAT THE FEW MAY WIN
George Bernard Shaw
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Re: Has led to being kicked out.

Postby JinxyWolf » Sun Dec 10, 2017 9:04 pm

Hi Broken Hearted and Welcome,

I would just like to echo what the others have told you. Seeking help from professionals should be your first step.

I think that you'll find that you have confronted your Husband with something he is not ready to acknowledge or accept and in response he has hit the anger button. For us as gamblers this is a reflex that we have little control over, especially if we are not yet ready to confront the realities of our problem. You can't make him face his problem, he has to come to this realization on his own and until he has hit rock bottom and ready to face reality the ball is in his court.

I think that your daughters have a right to know what is going on. They are adults and deserve to know the truth. This is not all on you, your husband has to feel the consequences of his gambling if he is ever going to stop.

I wish you all the best and hope things improve for you.

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Re: Has led to being kicked out.

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Mon Dec 11, 2017 2:34 pm

Hi Broken Heart,

from what you have told me it sounds like the difficulties in your relationship are about more than just gambling. While gambling is definitely one aspect of your relationship troubles, there is more that needs to be worked on. I think that the best place for you to start would be with some relationship counselling. Any relationship counselor will spot that gambling impacts on the relationship and will help your husband to realize that his gambling is a problem. The day he recognize that his gambling is a problem and asks for help is the day his relationship to gambling changes. That is a good time to start gambling counselling.

Often gamblers are ashamed of their gambling and do not want to admit it is a problem. Hence they tend to avoid seeking out gambling counselling. While we both know that gambling is at the heart of the relationship problems, requesting relationship counselling might be less confronting for him.

People change their gambling when the consequences of their gambling outweigh the benefits. Not when people tell them they should stop. Telling people that they have a problem with gambling and they need to stop actually REDUCES the chances that they will seek help. Gambling is often a way for people to feel in control of their lives. doing what they are told (e.g. quit gambling), makes people feel powerless, hence gamblers tend to avoid anything they are ordered to do.

What you can do to encourage him to get help is to help him to experience the consequences of his gambling. As the consequences of gambling are often painful, many gamblers find it easier to get other people to rescue them so they don't have to experience that pain. This tends to push the pain onto other people instead and often causes relationship problems.

If a gambler spends all their rent money then they become homeless. Consequence.
If a gambler spends all their rent money and someone pays their rent for them. No consequence, no reason to change.
If a gambler spends their grocery money then they go hungry. Consequence.
If a gambler spends their grocery money and someone feeds them. No consequence, no reason to change.

This can often get very very costly for the people around him. I have met many people that have defaulted on mortgages due to gambling. If you have any joint assets then they are at risk. Separate your finances while you still have money left.

If you were not around to help him out, do you think he would experience any more consequences from his gambling?

So to clarify, my advice is;
1) Suggest relationship counselling.
2) Separate your finances.
3) make sure nobody around him helps him out with finances (or food or rent or fuel etc).
4) Never tell him he has a gambling problem or needs to stop. He does, but telling him so prevents him from being able to learn that for himself.
5) As others have suggested, call Gamblers Helpline yourself. (1800 858 858)

You are in a really tough situation, but help is readily available.
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