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What's the right way to react? (Long Post)

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What's the right way to react? (Long Post)

Postby Nikkstar » Sat Apr 08, 2017 4:05 pm

Hi all,

I have a boyfriend we've been together 3 years in mid 20's and in the last 8 months his gambling has really spiralled out of control. Each time he does it I just get angrier with him and I stay angrier at him for longer every time. He says he has improved and changed but I don't see it. Then he gets angry at me cause I'm angry with him.
My boyfriend has epilepsy he is on the disability pension he doesn't drive or have a job he says he can't find a job cause most jobs he looks for requires a drivers license he prefers a blue collar type of job, you know what I understand that, What i don't understand and what I have a hard time dealing with and accepting is his gambling.
When he had control over his assets he would mostly blow his pension by the weekend, unless he was lucky enough to have a win but he still then will manage to throw that back into the horses a few days late.
He then managed to twice overdraw his bank account through PayPal on a betting app the first time was for $4000.00 the 2nd time was for $11,500.00. The first time it happened he was lucky enough to have some savings built up in account that was a 2 to sign with his mom which they used to cover the funds but for the second time there was nowhere near that kind of money. His mum threatened to take PayPal to court for lending money and overdrawing his account when he had no overdraft on his account through the bank. that happened back in January we haven't heard from Paypal but I still have doubts that is over with. I stayed pretty numb through both those times, it didn't feel like he actually did that. he promised thats it he won't do it again.
We decided I would take control over his finance we put his pay into a joint account then I would transfer it to one just in my name and transfer it as he needed, we have arguments over text while I'm at work him telling me to transfer more money to him, which i eventually do cause i get sick of coping the abuse. He then went behind my back and gambled $1500 i had sitting in my account to buy an air-conditiong unit but he blamed me because he new my phone and bank passcode's to do all the transfers. He has started seeing a financial counsellor through the middle of this, but not much has helped he told me after a session maybe a month or so ago that the counsellor thinks the reason he has continued to gamble is because he has no control over money and he is trying to gamble the $50 or $100 that I leave him to get more money on him so we decided to that i would leave him $300 and keep $500 for him to save but he gambled that and asks for more money. every time i get angry have more fights what other way can I react.

His last pay was 2 days before April he asked me to give him all his money to place bets for different races so that he didn't need to bet in April at all, It was another argument of texts but I complied and said that if he bet in the future its over. It didn't feel like an empty threat at the time I'm so over it and I genuinely mean it in that moment hoping that he doesn't do anything to make me consider that possibility, from those bets in April he did win so he probably had $1000 or $1500 on him I'm not sure but he sees that as his money i have no right to stop him from having money his won by gambling cause it's money he wouldn't have had in the first place. Throughout this time I on my own have had my own financial burden I have a house I rent out and in the last 4 months it hast cost me about $4,000 plus i still have another $7,000 to out lay by the end of April. He can see how much I'm struggling and all i want is for him to help out with buying some meals throughout the week, he was supposed to be the one to buy the easter presents this year but I also had to do that cause of his gambling cause 3-4 days into April he found out his dad had a heart attack and was recovering in hospital so he turned to gambling, I know i must sound like a harsh ***** but how much more can I handle I haven't seen him since he last gambled. Last night he texted me to find out what i had bought his family for easter i took a photo and sent it to him He looked at it and said looks like ill have to go to the shop. I replied back saying if he wanted something different he shouldn't have blown all his money. he then says with the attitude i have I'm blowing our relationship apart, and my out look on things is rubbish. So now he is angry and ignoring me his home with his mum till who knows when.

Obviously I don't know how to handle or react to his gambling, how do you not show rage when they are doing something that can affect your whole future. I don't know what else to do other than yell or scream. And he always comes up with an excuse as to why he needs to or needed to gamble what am i supposed to do.
Nikkstar
Junior Member
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 1:53 pm

Re: What's the right way to react? (Long Post)

Postby Mightbethelaststraw » Sun Apr 09, 2017 11:07 am

Firstly, you should NEVER have to tolerant any form of abuse from your partner, that type of behaviour is not on.

Make sure he has no access to your, or joint, finances. Or anything that might enable him to take money out in your name.

I highly doubt the counsellor would blame his gambling problems on not having access to money. That's just a tactic to get money.

Sounds like he is taking no responsibility for his actions, which makes things hard. Until he is ready to take responsibility and seek help there is little you can do. His actions are his own, they are not a reflection of you.

My advice would be to calmly set your expectations (e.g. seek another counsellor, stop the abusive texts) and outline any consequences (e.g. block his number during work hours, no more money). If he isn't willing to listen or take responsibility make sure you follow through with the consequences you have set.

Best of luck.
Mightbethelaststraw
Junior Member
 
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Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2017 7:41 pm

Re: What's the right way to react? (Long Post)

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Thu Apr 13, 2017 2:28 pm

Hi Nikkstar,

I just want to say that Mightbethelaststraw has given great advice.

Separating your finances is vital.

People change their gambling when the consequences outweigh the positives. For most gamblers it is easier to shift the consequences to others around them. They get others to pay rent, buy food, pay for petrol etc. Doing so removes consequences of gambling and lets people deny that it is a problem.

It is pretty easy to see it is a problem if you don't have enough money for rent or food.

So let him experience that.

I would recommend that you let him have full control of his money, but don't help him out with any finances at all. Don't pay for rent, or let him stay rent free, not buy him food or petrol. Don't bail him out of debts, let the banks chase him. His gambling will change when he experiences the difficulties and admits that gambling has become a problem.

And most important of all, don't put up with abuse, you don't deserve that.

It can be incredibly difficult to deal with a partners gambling problem and often people need support or advice on how to do that. Gambling counseling is not only for gamblers, but also for partners of gamblers. It might be worth chatting to get some more detailed advice on how you can encourage your partner to change. Gamblers Helpline is a good first point of contact (1800 858 858, 24/7)
Jerry (facilitator)
Senior Member
 
Posts: 299
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 12:02 pm


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