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  • Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Peach
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:42 pm

    Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Thu May 02, 2019 8:57 pm

    Dear husband,
    Ive known you 10 years. You’re logical and hardworking, a doting father, a great friend. You’ve had a secret since before you turned 18. Your secret exposes itself every few moths, sometimes after a year or so. I accepted your debt, married you and birthed your child. I love you wholeheartedly. I’ve believed you even when it was against my better judgement. You won’t seek external help and that’s destroying me, so now I am. I’m accessing gamblers help services every day. Sometimes phone calls, sometimes the website. I have a counselling session booked in and am on a wait list for financial counselling. I’ve visited online chat forums at gamblers help and feel so deflated, because so many posts are exactly what I’m feeling, just countless girlfriends and wives feeling angry, alone, resentful, asking how long they can support a liar and an addict, asking how to support someone who won’t open up, asking when enough is enough, asking how they can trust again or forgive, asking if recovery is even possible when their loved one won’t seek help. I’ve asked all these questions in my head, and all I can wish is to go back in time. To tell you on our second meeting when you ‘lost’ your week’s pay that that was problem gambling, to tell you when you first confided in me after losing all your money in Echuca that you either commit to seeking help or continue your life without me. I wish I could go back in time and never lend you money, never bail you out, never enable the problem. Then maybe you’d hit a smaller rock bottom than we’re now about to hit, maybe a smaller rock bottom back then would be enough for you to want to change. Maybe then we wouldn’t be approaching this disgustingly tragic rock bottom that’s inevitably in our future. I wish I could have given you a smaller rock bottom when it started, before it was so grossly entrenched in your neural pathways like a disease that’s impossible to cure.
    Husband, please, I can’t keep living like this.

    Wife
    5 x
    Chunkyquitter
    Member
    Posts: 51
    Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:34 pm

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Fri May 03, 2019 1:10 pm

    You’re very understanding. My wife isn’t aware of our latest predicament but I’m willing to hand over all financial control from now on. Hopefully she is as forgiving and understanding as you are.

    The self loathing of a gambler is the worst, when someone forgives you it actually makes you feel better. You need to control the money in my opinion. That’s the key.
    He probably has other debts you don’t know about that he feels scared of not being able gamble To pay them back.

    It’s awful being an addict.
    2 x
    dragon007 (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 173
    Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:07 am

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Sat May 04, 2019 3:07 pm

    Hi @Peach

    I can see that you have tried your very best to help your husband.

    Please keep seeking support for yourself.

    dragon007
    1 x
    Peach
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:42 pm

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Mon May 06, 2019 10:16 am

    OP here. The thing is, I don’t feel like I have been understanding. I’ve been sympathetic, I’ve been kind but I’ve not fully understood the gravity of a gambling problem. I’ve been naive. I’ve been soft. I’ve let him call the shots. I should have set more boundaries and followed through with consequences. I feel like we’re at the beginning of the end because we didn’t act in the best way earlier. He has agreed this week to get counselling, he said he is doing it for me because he hates seeing me so upset and depressed knowing he has caused it. I don’t know if it will work if he’s not doing it for himself but it’s definitely worth a try.
    1 x
    Chunkyquitter
    Member
    Posts: 51
    Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:34 pm

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Mon May 27, 2019 2:30 am

    I’ve been to gambling council in Sydney it was very effective. Personally I fee there is a point where the councillor should include your partner. To help them understand where your at and what measures moving forward will help. Like giving up control of the money

    This was always hard for me to do as I felt one day when my gambling was under control I’d want access to money without her knowing so I could have a little flutter. Unfortunately a little fluttter means a little win and the more gambling more winning followered by massive losing and chasing.

    If he really wants to quit he will hand control of money over
    1 x
    Peach
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:42 pm

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Wed Jun 05, 2019 10:01 pm

    Some control he’s handed over. I have access to all banking, he’s not meant to withdraw cash and the mortgage and debt repayments make up the bulk of his pay. I just worry that there’s cash I don’t see. He’s lied and been able to access cash without me knowing for so long.
    And despite saying he will see a counsellor, he still hasn’t booked in...
    0 x
    TimTam
    Member
    Posts: 78
    Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:13 am

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:42 am

    Hi @Peach

    How are things going? Has your husband booked in with a counsellor yet?
    Have you seen one for yourself yet?

    Tim Tam
    0 x
    Peach
    Junior Member
    Posts: 11
    Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:42 pm

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Sat Jun 15, 2019 12:54 am

    I feel like he’s making excuses, says they’ve played a hit of phone tag trying to book in but I reckon if he had really tried he would have an appointment by now. It’s been weeks. Things between us are tense. I was seeing someone but I didn’t really like it, felt she was digging too deep wanting me to question every piece of history about our family members. Also felt quite judged by her.
    I’m worried my partner may have a bad counselling experience that turns him off that help completely
    1 x
    Mona58
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1025
    Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:44 am

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Sat Jun 15, 2019 9:36 am

    Some counselling experiences are daunting.

    Counsellors try to "show" us our "personalities" and why we do the things we do... etc. Just because one doesn't work for you ... don't give up on the others. Counsellors are humans as well.

    Could he try GA meetings?
    1 x
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
    dragon007 (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 173
    Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:07 am

    Re: Just like every other nameless partner caught in the tragedy

    Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:13 am

    hi @Peach

    Gambling Helpline - 1800 858 858 is a 24/7 counselling service that is confidential and anonymous, the service can make referrals to local face to face counsellors and the service also supports the partners of people who have gambling problems.

    dragon007
    1 x

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