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  • FEEL SO ILL

    For people making and maintaining change in their gambling. Connect, ask questions, offer advice, and share your story in here. If you are new to the site drop in and say hello!
    Jo-Anne
    Senior Member
    Posts: 457
    Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:40 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri May 20, 2016 6:47 pm

    Reuben, please tone your responses down a little, especially for your first post on the forum. It is OK to have an opinion, but we are a supportive peer group here, and do not speak to each other like this. Additionally, please have the courtesy to read the persons full story, before posting such an ill-informed reply.

    What is your story?
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    ang
    Senior Member
    Posts: 206
    Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2016 8:28 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri May 20, 2016 8:33 pm

    rueben,, i dont see it as scamming or holding off lenders,, i see it as working out a payment solution so that the debt can be repaid as i spent the money and i want to repay it and thanks for the tip about dont gamble so i will have all the money i need,, i will be sure to try that :rolleyes:
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    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    I am back

    Fri Oct 21, 2016 9:45 pm

    Wow it has been a long time!

    Personally, I have just been so busy falling further and further into the cg binge to jump on here. In fact this place has been the furthest thing on my mind for a while. The past couple of weeks though I have been telling myself to jump on here and post as a movement forward to show myself how serious I am about not gambling anymore.

    After my last post I started uni a couple of months after and things have been crazy. I am currently working 5-6 days a week, the rest of the time I am either at uni, studying, thinking about studying or dreaming about uni. And when I wasn't doing those things I was losing my money to the pokies.
    I wanted to stop but couldn't (yes we have all heard this line before) I always found a reason to justify feeding the urge.
    Everything has progressively got worse, my finances are so bad, I am so close to bankruptcy it is not funny. I was giving a three grace period for my loan while I pay off other debt (which I have barely made progress on) and the three months is coming to an end. I am hoping they allow another three months because I am in over my head sinking in debt. Now bankruptcy is not the worse thing, I may not be able to get a job in my field of studies though if I have been bankrupt (so yeah)

    Things got so bad that over a month ago I did something really bad - It is so bad I do not even want to share exactly what it is. I will do, I took money from someone close to we are talking over a grand. The plan was to use that money to win more money and then pay that money back. At the time it sounded like a bulletproof plan because how was I going to lose? I have been going mad trying to figure out how to replace the money, it has made me feel so sick that is how I knew I had rock bottom. I wanted to tell the person but not without paying them first.
    And someone came to my rescue and I paid the funds back, in fact it went a whole two weeks since the person even noticed. They have spoken to me and we are still talking about it, very tense and I know I have ruined our relationship. I have no one to blame but myself, rational izzi would never dream or think of doing something like that ever. The things we do so we can get a hit is almost unbelieveable sometimes.

    I am currently on 0 days clean, in fact I lost everything today AND the $ I did have was going to be a small start to try and save for my uni books etc next year. I am aware I have debt but even having money set aside just for books makes me feel "normal".
    The past 13 weeks with uni and all this finance, work stress has exhausted every ounce of me. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next couple of months being clean or how I am going to even get out of this mess but I know that I have to try.
    Next year when I am back at uni I want to know that I have been clean and that I am again myself.

    I will need to see a financial counsellor and a counsellor - I will also make sure I do not have my card on me and carry only small amounts of cash. Oh, I know the drill I just couldn't stop because I had to fix up my mess which turned into a bigger mess. I have also confined in some people in my life and told them what I have been doing (it felt so good). Today after I left the pokies I thought to myself, "Izzi you can't start again! and my response was "Yeah, but you are very good at starting again"

    So here is to starting again and re-connecting with everyone.

    HOW HAVE WE ALL BEEN??

    Xx
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    annie 
    Junior Member
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:37 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:02 am

    Hi and welcome back,

    This ride is a tough one, the head goes all over the place, stress levels hit the roof, anxiety to the max , physically feeling sick, wanting to get off yet finding ourselves going back for just one more ride. Doesn't make sense to be on a ride that gives you these effects, yet we do it over and over again.

    See a financial counsellor immediately to sort the finances out, they may be able to help you avoid bankruptcy by acting on your behalf with lenders. That is what I was looking at prior to working with them. Hopefully this will also help you resist urges to gamble , knowing that someone is working with you to sort your life out . Along with financial counselling, take up all other support services available so you have a network of support surrounding you and all working together with you so you can achieve your goal of being gamble free.

    I hope the next ride you're on is the same as the one I am trying to stay on now , not the one described as above , but this one where you wake up with lesser anxiety after having a decent nights sleep, bills being paid , so they're not on your back constantly, a variety of foods in the fridge & pantry so I don't have to live on vegemite toast.

    I am only in week three , and the urges are there, but I will fight them if it means going forward and hopefully beating this horrible addiction. I know I can't do this alone and are so thankful to those on this site & counsellors for support.

    Take care & keep in touch.
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    User avatar
    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:15 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:44 pm

    Hi Izzi and Annie,
    So good to see you both here :) . I'm sorry it's been such a tough time but wow what a difference 3 weeks can make Annie. Great to hear you noticing the changes already and hopefully Izzi time will bring change for you too. Sounds like you have already been making some brave and positive decisions like telling people in your life.
    Take care,
    Anna
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    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Sun Oct 23, 2016 9:51 pm

    Hi Annie,

    Wow 3 weeks good on you! I have forget what three weeks clean feels like.

    Tonight my dad confronted me, he intercepted some of my mail and found out that I took out a very large loan. I did admit it was for debt, it ended in a very heated discussion and I was very close from ending up in the streets tonight, would have probably had to sleep in my car.
    He wants to take control of my money I declined, once the direct debits come out for the debt I pretty much have nothing left. I am not sure what he is thinking at the moment, I am safe though and dad needs to think about whether he wants me to shift out by the end of the year.
    I really wouldn't be in a better position than to be able to do that anyways especially around Christmas time.

    Today is day two and I feel the week ahead me is going to be challenging. Pay day is this friday and I will not be talked into gambling it. I am so afraid at this point of missing another payment and ending up being bankrupt, hopefully this fear is enough to dispel any thoughts.
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    annie 
    Junior Member
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:37 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:16 am

    Hi Izzi,

    Just found your post, must of missed it yesterday.

    Sometime when we get found out it can be a blessing , it's now out in the open and you don't have to hide any longer. Are you able to see this as part of moving forward and making changes. Sounds like you have 2 months to work on this before crunch time and a lot can be achieved in that time with a support network in place.

    We all make mistakes, make the wrong choices, nobody is perfect. Sounds like you've got many years ahead of you and though it feels bad at the moment , with hard work you can get through this and come out the other side. You have time on your side, us oldies don't have that, so just have to make the best of what there is. Now that you're living in the consequences of a gambling addiction, it's now time to make another choice, gamble or get on the road to recovery what's it going to be ?

    Despite the heated discussion with your father have you had time to think about what you need to help beat the addiction. ? As I have said on other posts I have had to call on every support necessary to help me. Firstly telephone counselling daily if I need it to beat any urges and so I don't feel alone in this mess. Face to face weekly counselling to sort things out within myself, financial counselling to sort out the very large debt I have. (Financial counsellor has acted on my behalf with lender to reduce the debt repayment so I have funds to live on ) Going on this site daily in the morning and then at night to offer support and remind myself of where I have been, where I am now and where I want to get to and where I don't want to go back to. I would consider your father ( or someone else ) helping you to manage your finances until things get sorted out even then you may need some ones help other than the counsellors to remain on track.

    Having a problem with gambling , I call it my addiction as that is what it is, we need money to feed it and when the money runs out , that is when we really see what is going on , the damage and the mess we are in. Some make further wrong choices to feed their addiction, others choose to fight and beat it. You're going to have to draw on your strengths for this one and have a plan.

    If you are able to set up a support network that works for you and take up your fathers offer of helping you with your finances (Don't look at it as being controlling ) you have an opportunity to work through this and be in a better place than where you are now. Perhaps sit down with your father and have a further discussion and I think when more people are involved we become more accountable for our actions.

    Stay strong , focus on resisting the urge to gamble, set up a support network and use the next 2 months to start living the future and bury the past.

    Take care, keep in touch.
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    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Tue Oct 25, 2016 7:59 pm

    Hello Annie,

    Having things out in the open with my dad definitely feels a little strange I must admit. My dad does not know the entirety of my debt, he knows about the loan because of the letter but not my current cash day loans which are way overdue. I really am struggling in debt and swimming at the moment to just keep a float. I feel that right now I can not tell my dad because it will crush him even more, he really does not understand anything regarding the addiction. And nor does he really want to be informed, he thinks I can just stop and do not have enough willpower.

    I want to stop but I have not openly said it out loud, I am afraid! Never have I ever felt like I could never beat this addiction. At the present moment that is exactly how I feel, I am afraid and so aware how much this controls me. I get paid on Friday and right now my only thought is to make it through the weekend without gambling. I have a counsellor I was seeing but she is costs $ and not in a capable position to see her. In fact, I am either at uni or working so do not really have that much time to seek help from outside sources. I will need to make time that I know but right now I am trying to push it in the back of mind while I focus on exams. I really just need to get through exams!

    I am 34 years ago and although that may sound young, I feel so old so unaccomplished and this makes me really sad,

    The thing is with my dad one day he is all on my side, the other he is against me it is really hard to get into partnership or on a high level of trust with him. And that is the thing with my whole family they all have this great ability to turn you whenever they want. I know for a fact that I have to be careful with dad because history is a great indicator of how this will turn out.

    Today is another day clean - day 4.
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    annie 
    Junior Member
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:37 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Wed Oct 26, 2016 6:09 am

    Hi Izzi ,

    Congrats on day 4, sounds like Friday is going to be tough for you, it's pay day and you're still in deep with no real plan in place. Have you thought about what strategies you might use to help not gamble over the weekend. ? Perhaps ask yourself do I want to keep on this track or fight for change.

    The counselling through this site whether on the phone , face to face or financial is free, there are no extra costs, only be careful with the phone as they told me it would be no cost on the mobile with my service provider , however it wasn't and I racked up a hefty bill as I went way over my plan allowance for the month. More debt to pay off now. Not happy. Overall I am pleased with the support given.

    I was going to ask if Is deferring Uni at this point is an option until you get things sorted out better but I remembered you are heading into exams so you really have a lot going on.

    Right now it sounds like you just need to survive and make sure you have somewhere to stay, something to eat , someone to talk to you and help sort things out before it gets any worse. It's not easy, it's a tough and hard fight yet there is so much to gain from giving it a real go. From what I've read many people cannot do it on there own and need to use the support services that are available and free. The sooner you talk to someone , the sooner you can really begin to change your life around.

    You mentioned your father not having much of an understanding in regards to addiction, that is very common and many people don't get it. That's what's good about the support on here, they understand it, they get it and they will help you.

    Take care,
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    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1921
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Wed Oct 26, 2016 8:29 am

    Hi Izzie..there have been a lot of things going on with you but the ultimate decision to stop gambling is yours.Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?Its never too late to make changes but it will be a long hard road that you will have to walk down.Get all the help you can..let your dad help you..be honest with yourself and find your inner strength to say enough is enough..dont give up just keep going forwards
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