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  • FEEL SO ILL

    For people making and maintaining change in their gambling. Connect, ask questions, offer advice, and share your story in here. If you are new to the site drop in and say hello!
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Mon Oct 12, 2020 7:49 pm

    Hello Hello Hello!!!

    I would love to say I came back to bring peace, but I come back with heartbreak and devastation.

    The last time I posted must have been at least over two years ago and as much as I would LOVE to say I managed to stay away from gambling, I didn't.

    Last year in December I relapsed and I told my partner at the time, he was aware of the addiction and he was really disappointed and he broke it off, I self-banned from pokie joints and saw a counsellor, we talked things through and got back together. Fast forward to a four or five months and he puts a large sum of money that he asks me to hold onto him for, at first I was fine. I started using my own money for share trading and then decided to use his, after all if I win he didn't have to know (old gambler mindset) and I didn't enjoy it, I constantly lived in fear thinking he would ask for it back and that caused to make some very bad decisions, buying and selling at the wrong times.
    This led to me losing several thousand and to try and win it back I decided to horse bet, nothing I know nothing about but thought I could learn and yes I learnt not to bet on horses. Over the space of the few months that I had the money I was afraid to tell him what I was doing/had been done but I did ask him a couple of times if I could send some of the money back, or if he wanted his dad to hold onto it and he said no. Fast forward and I have lost 98% of the money, I haven't slept in days and was constantly full of fear at having to tell him I lost his money and facing the consequences.

    He gave angry a new meaning that day I told him and he instantly kicked me out and told my family within minutes of him finding out. There was no opportunity to talk or explain things, he was just too angry and it has now been over a good week and we haven't really spoken. I have gone to pick my things up and we have spoken about repayments but he gets too angry so the conversation stops.

    Today is day 11 and I have been keeping myself busy by posting on other gambling forums and reading up on stuff. I spoke to my sister this weekend and told her about my last trigger and what stuff set me off etc, she said that she has kept in contact with my ex (he is close to my sister and her family) and she told him that a 12 step recovery program would be useful for me and she would support me if I let her, he chimed in and said he would like to support me as well. A part of me got excited because it gave me some hope that maybe he still cared and wanted to get back with me. Today though I had a change of heart, nothing that has happened implies that his even remotely going down that train of thought and he said those things because he cares. We are meeting up this week to discuss what happened as he didn't give me the time to talk and this is my way of getting some closure as well as sharing my journey moving forward. After accepting we were over, then to have a glimmer of hope and then have it pulled away, I definitely feel defeated.
    I have already allowed it to take sooo much and I won't let it take anything more from me.

    I do have a question relating to programs and getting help.

    1. Does anyone where if myself and my family can partake in a 12 step journey together preferably online? (I live in Melbourne)

    2. Any tips on how to build trust with my ex.

    3. Also is there list of counsellors that deal with addictions somewhere?

    Thanks to everyone who reads my post, any advice would be great.
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1854
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Mon Oct 12, 2020 11:45 pm

    Hi Izzi
    I'm sorry to hear about your relationship break down, but let's be honest, you gambled with money that was not yours.so of course he would be angry.I would be.
    You lost his trust and will have to work hard to regain it
    Gambling is an addiction,but you knew what you were doing ,and that it was wrong
    However, you can stop this cycle if you really want to
    It takes hard work and determination.
    But if you want to show how sorry you are,stopping is the best thing you can do
    I am not sure what resources are available in Melbourne but it would be easy to find out
    Counselling would be beneficial
    Time is a great healer,be serious about stopping and earn back that trust
    Start living life free from addiction
    Stay strong,you CAN beat this
    Good luck
    0 x
    User avatar
    JinxyWolf
    Senior Member
    Posts: 355
    Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2017 8:51 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Tue Oct 13, 2020 1:42 pm

    Hi Izz,

    I must say I am both glad and sad to see you back. I'm sad because I had hoped that you had found success on your journey to becoming gamble free but I'm glad that you have once again reached out for help is battling your addiction. It sounds like you did find some success on your journey but had a lapse like we all do sometimes and although it was a big lapse it doesn't mean that it is the end but another beginning.

    You should accept that the trust that was lost when you used your partners money to gamble may take a long time to be earnt back and the only way that it may be earnt back is by doing all you can to get yourself back on the wagon and moving forward. Starting dedicated gambling councelling is a really good start. I would suggest reaching out to the gambler's helpline, they will be able to point you in the right direction in regards to meetings and getting a councellor.

    You must commit to this journey, use all the resources available, reach out when you feel urges and know that this is a journey you can make. You are strong Izz, stronger than this demon that is gambling addiction.

    Stay Strong and Be Well.

    JinxyWolf
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Tue Oct 13, 2020 2:17 pm

    Pamela & Jinxy

    Hey Ladies :)

    Thank you for replying.

    What I did was unthinkable, selfish and very deceitful, all in the hopes of financially getting ahead.

    A part of me believes he will never forgive me, how can he! And this is the part of that accepts that this time my damage was too great and the only way to go on is to move forward.

    I am self banned from pokie places and betting online, in a good head space (in regards to gambling, last week I had an urge but fought it and didn't succumb. In the future, when I do get an urge I will hold onto the feeling of what I did to my partner and I will remind myself to listen to the words spoken from his broken heart. Most days I wake up feeling sick to my stomach, that little old me could do such a thing! I always thought that the biggest gamble I ever took was with money but now I realised that my last gamble was with love and the future I would have had with someone who wanted to spend his life with me, with the acknowledge of my past.

    There is about one thousand things I want to text him but I refrain myself knowing that nothing good will come out of it, not until I can show him that I am on the road to recovery and that I am serious.

    Will spend some time over the next couple of days researching 12 step programs and making sure I connect to the right people.

    Thanks for your reply, 12 days!

    p.s jinxy send me a message please
    1 x
    User avatar
    JinxyWolf
    Senior Member
    Posts: 355
    Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2017 8:51 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:50 pm

    Hey Izz,

    Sorry but the pm function on the forum has been turned off so I can't send you one. But we can still talk via the forum.
    I understand that it is not ideal but that's life right. :D :D

    JinxyWolf
    0 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Wed Oct 14, 2020 6:43 pm

    Thanks Jinxy, that is too bad :(

    Today I contacted a counsellor and waiting to hear back about potential sessions.

    Yesterday I found out that there are no 12 step programs happening at the moment due to covid and nothing was happening via online either. That is ok, I will start with the counsellor as well as attend world wide GA meetings on another group and well as posting updates.

    I can't wait till that day I wake up and realise that relapses are nothing but a distant memory and that I had forgiven myself for the hurt I have caused others, as well as myself.
    1 x
    User avatar
    JinxyWolf
    Senior Member
    Posts: 355
    Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2017 8:51 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Wed Oct 14, 2020 9:04 pm

    Hey Izz,

    Those day will come Izz, with the right tools, support and hard work.

    Glad to hear you have hooked up with a councellor that's great.

    Covid is making thing difficult for the moment that's for sure, stinks but such if life I guess. At least we have this forum and those here who offer us support when needed.

    Stay strong and Be Well

    Jinxy
    1 x
    Izzi
    Senior Member
    Posts: 163
    Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:33 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Fri Oct 16, 2020 7:29 pm

    The two week mark is now in my rearview mirror as I celebrate 15 days of not gambling. My bills are up to date, money in the bank and food in the pantry and in the past I would have been so thankful, today I am saddened by where this addiction has brought me and what has resulted from irrational ideas and impulses. The past couple of nights I haven't been able to sleep, I have been overwhelmed with fear knowing that tomorrow I have to face my ex and go into detail about what I did, as well as hear how my actions have affected him and what he thinks of me. This will be healing for me and I know I need to wear whatever is said to me as my actions caused distrust and betrayal to the one person who truly loved me for me. The past two weeks has been a replay of everything that has happened with the end result that I always feel sick and saddened by my actions. Tomorrow will come and go and I just need to brave it out and be prepared for what is coming.

    I will post an update shortly.

    Stay clean everyone, the game isn't worth it.
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1854
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: FEEL SO ILL

    Sat Oct 17, 2020 12:05 am

    Hi Izzi,,tomorrow will be tough but be proud of where you are now,two weeks later
    It will take time to win back his trust,but baby steps
    You can do this
    0 x

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