Welcome to our online peer support community - A supportive place for anyone making change in their gambling, as well as concerned friends and family.
  • Connect, be inspired, motivate others. Share your experience & strategies.
  • Safe. Anonymous. Professionally monitored. Free of judgement.

    To join the discussion, sign up today.
    Join us Tuesdays from 6pm for Chatty Tuesday.
  • out of control....

    For people making and maintaining change in their gambling. Connect, ask questions, offer advice, and share your story in here. If you are new to the site drop in and say hello!
    jlene
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:39 pm

    out of control....

    Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:49 pm

    hi, well i have a long story and Im not going to go on and on as Im sure many of you can relate to it all anyway. Ive been gambling on and off for the past 20 years... yes Im 38 and started when I was 21. Its controlled my life, yes Ive had moments of control and sanity but majority of it has been controlled by the urge to escape and create a financial debt rather than deal with the emotional, Right now, I feel done... I feel this is it. No, Im not wanting sympathy as I deserve everything i get. I want to be accountable for all of this..... but Im so so alone and so scared and sad. No one knows me, people who think they know me would freak out if they knew. I hate me.... and Ive had counselling, and Ive stopped momentarily... but it always comes back. Not trying to be a downer, but it just does. Ive maxed out over 7 credit cards, have massive debt... one husband who hates me and only knows half the story. I just had a shower and just stood there with my shaver and wanted to end it. I seriously would end it if I didnt have over $50,000 debt. I know if I lkeave it will end up being my husbands debt and thats just f;d. I hate me, I hate who I am.... e3very day just doesnt get any better. nothing can fix this and I am accountable and have to be but I cant deal with this pain. how do i? I mean..... its been over 20o years. Everytime I cant handle emotion and depression i craete financial ruin..... i hate that this defines me. I used to think i was a decent person.... but obviiously Im not. No one I know would understand... I cant talk to anyone. this is messed up and I know there are so many others out there like me. Its not who I thought I would be, or what I thought would define me. I just want to die and be over. Sorry for the brutal honesty... but man... I just cant do this.
    0 x
    User avatar
    doug
    Senior Member
    Posts: 366
    Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 7:51 pm

    RE: out of control....

    Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:22 pm

    i like your honesty , i don't have any real answers at this point...but i wanted to tell you to hang in there...you are worth the effort, and others and myself understand you to some degree.

    hope this helps..
    0 x
    Doug who's the good dog?
    Alida
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:24 am

    RE: out of control....

    Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:47 am

    I know exactly what you mean, I was in that position five years ago, I had 90 thousand of debt racked up. Not a soul knew what I was up to. I had also put my family in the position that we would lose everything. I was finally found out. It got better, it was bloody hard, fighting, fighting to pay back the money, lack of trust(which is understandable) and what I classed as the hardest, staying away from the Bloody Pokies. I was good for about three years, never really stopped gambling, just lower amounts. This is why I am in the position now, that I am spiraling out of control again. I have a 1000$ a day problem, and I do not ever want to get back to that. Just remember, life is good, and you just have to find it in yourself to find a distraction apart from the gambling that is constructive to you and gives you some satisfaction. Please do not put yourself down. You deserve more than that. I have been gambling since I was 22, I am 43 now. I have a problem, no one knows, as I hide things well. I also hate myself for the choices I make, they hurt more people than just myself.

    The main reason I am online is that I cannot talk to anyone either. I know exactly where you are coming from. It is a very lonely sport. Please hang in there, do not hurt yourself, and just give it a go. That is what I am going to try, and hope that you and I can find the strength to take it one day at time.

    Good Luck
    0 x
    User avatar
    Bull
    Member
    Posts: 53
    Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2012 3:53 pm

    RE: out of control....

    Wed Feb 20, 2013 11:40 am

    jlene...

    wow, those really are some powerful things you said. I can't imagine what it feels like to live with guilt and feeling that you are responsible for someone else's debt. Not only is it someone else but it's your husband. I don't blame you for feeling sucked into a cycle of secrecy and misery with no way out. I don't know how I would respond if I was in the same situation but I do think I would be acting and feeling similar to you. I'll share a little bit about my story because what you have said kinda resonates with me a bit...

    I haven't been gambling for as long as you but I have lost control many times in the past. I probably am at that phase in my life now where I'm just beginning to realise how bad my gambling was and is currently. I don't want to fess up to others because I'm supposed to be this intelligent, kind and smart guy... whereas truth be told I do think I am some of those things, but more so a devious untruthful person who lacks courage to tell people exactly what is going on with my life. I feel that others around me wouldn't want to know the real me so I don't show them. You know, the real me[/b`, the gambler who lacks self-control and honesty in life. Who would want those qualities in an acquaintance, friend, partner or family member? No body, so I don't show them.

    What I'm starting to realise now is that mask I hide behind is causing me just as much grief if not more than the gambling itself. How I overcome it is something I'm not yet aware of. Seeking professional help can be a roll of the dice because there are a range of counsellors and psychologists of different levels of skill. I think you need to try many different ones until you find the right one. Confronting the issues that are underlying my gambling is something I don't have the courage to do properly just yet. My online counsellor encouraged me to get the social support I need to go through this process but the difficult thing is being able to get that support from my friends and family without them completely alienating me...

    Hang in there jlene. There are others in the same boat as you. Above all else you had the courage to express how you truly feel and no matter where you come from or who you are, that takes more courage to do than most people will ever realise. Alida is right, you are worth more than putting yourself down. Your gambling does not define you. It does not define your relationship with your husband. It does not define who you care about in your life. It may be hard to see this right now because, if you're anything like me, you see your weaknesses before your strengths. But even if they are covered by clouds of debt hanging over you do have some strengths. I can see one important one right now (courage) simply by reading your post. Hang in there jlene and come back to chat any time you like.

    bull.
    0 x
    jlene
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:39 pm

    RE: out of control....

    Sat Mar 02, 2013 6:38 pm

    thanks for all your posts and support I really appreciate it, its comforting in a strange way to know that others can understand and we each have our own story and trying our best to get through day to day. Things have not been great since my last post and I apologise for not coming back on here sooner.... I haven't spoken to my husband for weeks now, he refuses to talk to me, gives me the silent treatment and 'what makes it worse is that he still doesn't even know the full extent of all of this. The silent treatment is his speciality, its been going on for years... we have been married for 3 years and Id say within the first 6 months of marriage it was high on his agenda to ignore me for stupid things like not putting something away, petty and ridiculous things.... yes I know. I just couldn't deal with it. At that point in our lives gambling wasn't really an issue... I would go maybe once a month and he didn't need to know... but then I have spiralled dramatically over the past 2 years, the more he ignored me and wouldn't talk to me the more I would escape and create something else, financially so I didn't have to face the real issue of our relationship. Right now, I know its over. There is no going back but this pain of having no money and stuck with a massive mortgage and living under the same roof and being ignored by my husband and our dogs (which I adore) as well is just heart wrenching. I have friends, but not many... the few I have don't know the gambling. PAst friends know the gambling but Im not so close to them anymore and wouldn't dare go back down that path and say "hey guess what... I'm still a gambler and have fd up my marriage" RIght now I feel regardless of what''s going on with our relationship and the way he treats me, Im always going to be the one at fault. It doesn't make a difference as people don't understand that people gamble to escape the problems that already exist in their lives. I cant talk to anyone... I cant turn to my family, we are not close... and they were around when I had my first major gambling fall out years ago, and never really trusted me since. I feel that since Ive been married they are proud Ive come so far, to turn to them and tell them that Ïve messed up everything all over again" is just something I will not do. I would rather die, to be honest. I have started seeing a counsellor but its hard to find someone that you connect with.... I hate all the standard questions, and methods of recovery and lets find something else to do.... no, that's not going to work for me. I hate me right now, and I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if I will get through this.... I know, everyone says..... this too shall pass and one day at a time.... but I feel like Ive been there, done that... here I am again. Who wants to be supportive of someone who cant control herself?? I sure as hell don't want to be my own friend. Sorry I am rambling a lot.. I know I am not alone here, and I feel safe letting all this out here and know I wont be judged.
    0 x
    User avatar
    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:15 pm

    RE: out of control....

    Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:52 pm

    Hi Jlene,Good to hear from you.... I am sorry to hear about the situation with your relationship. It sounds like it's a pretty lonely place for you right now and maybe has been for some time. I completely agree with your comment that gambling can act as an escape in these situations and provide relief from the emotional pain.....This is something that people often talk to us about and I'm sure people here would be able to really relate to your experiences. Perhaps, sometimes people on the outside of the problem don't always understand or can't relate..... From reading your latest post it sounds like one of the biggest challenges for you right now is staying connected to hope for the future and somehow finding a way, if it is not to like yourself, but perhaps hate yourself a little less and give yourself a break. Is that right?... It would be great to hear if people have any tips for how to manage this?... I am also wondering how do you get through day to day...you mentioned it feels like you've been here before, which makes it hard but how do you keep going, keep posting with such honesty and courage, arrange to see a counsellor, get through a day.... Take care and stay in touch, Anna
    0 x

    Return to “Change Makers”