Another step backwards to start going forward

[Nelson]

How frustrating this addiction is. Had a 10 day spell with minimal urges and no gambling after I had posted in here a couple of weeks ago. I felt that confessing and writing it down and looking at what I had written was the best thing I ever did. Then today, without even thinking about it, I was back at the pub, sitting in front of a poker machine as if it was my long lost friend. I had nearly lost all the available money I had, and started to slide slowly into self loathing mode, totally disgusted with myself, when I got the spins and then spins in spins and, all of a sudden , I was on top of the world, and promised myself I'd play it down to a certain amount, and then go home a winner! Of course, I didn't stop at the amount I said I would, I just needed to get the spins once more. Tried changing the amount and all sorts of magical tricks to get them again and before I knew it, it was all gone and the self loathing had tripled. Surely this is a from of madness. It's almost like a veil is pulled over me and all rational thought and self esteem are gone. I actually prayed at the end that I would lose, because I didn't want to sit there and win again only to lose it again. And it's like all this gets erased from my memory as if it never happened. It,s madness. I have had enough. I am going to post in here more often because its the only time I see clearly whats happening. I hope someone else reads this and also says that's it, no more. Here we go again. Day 1 I am not giving up because this is NOT the way life was meant to be!

[Pikachu]

Hey @Nelson,
Thank you for sharing this here with all of us. I agree with you, the occasional winning is making it much harder because it gave you the false hope.
I'm glad you find it helpful to write down your thoughts and feelings, the process of writing really help with the thinking.
Looking forward to hearing from you again about you making it through one (or few) more days!