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  • Total Failure

    For people making and maintaining change in their gambling. Connect, ask questions, offer advice, and share your story in here. If you are new to the site drop in and say hello!
    Annie1741
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2017 7:20 am

    Total Failure

    Tue Apr 30, 2019 12:30 pm

    So I'm Annie

    Been gambling around 5 or 6 years, very secretive and have made a complete mess of my life, where I am now at rock bottom.

    Today was supposed to be my Day 1 of the 100 challenge and I spend hours this morning reading posts, but the voice inside me always says 'you're desperate now, just have one more go, cause what if?' and we all know how that ends.

    It left me with $15 to feed myself until next Thursday. This is the absolute lowest I have been.

    I either lose, or I am winning and put it all back in. Poker machines. They really are the devil. I have no control once I am in front of them. I think I do, I convince myself 'just $100' and then walk away. It never works that way. We all know it.

    I don't know how I got here. I don't know how to get out now. The city I live in has one gamblers anonymous meeting a week - I don't find that helpful, I need more. I don't know what I need, I really don't. I don't know where to turn, or how to help myself. The insanity is feeling very real now.

    I looked around me at the venue today and saw what we all see. Addiction, blank looks, despair, people trying to pretend they are ok; they're not. And we all know it.

    I don't know how to escape, or make it better. I feel like a total failure and beyond useless right now. There is no one I can talk to in my life, no one would understsand and the fear, shame, embarrassment, despair etc. is killing me.

    I don't know where to find hope, maybe that's why I'm here. I don't know. It's like I must hate myself to do this, I'm employed full time (took a sickie today) terrified of losing my job if anyone finds out what my life is like - one of the conditions of my employment is good financial conduct, anyone finds out, I'm beyond screwed. I owe money everywhere, I don't know how I'm going to get through the next couple of months with what I owe, I've never missed a payment on anything, but this now means I won't be able to buy food or petrol and I seriously don't know how I let myself get here. What the ***** is wrong with me?

    Annie
    1 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 300
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:01 pm

    Re: Total Failure

    Tue Apr 30, 2019 1:55 pm

    Hello Annie,

    I'm Calvin, one of the facilitators here on the forums.

    Sorry that you're going through such a tough time at the moment. These situations can become quite stressful.

    Have a think about what your urges are to go and gamble. This can sometimes help bring some clarity, that way you can work towards using different strategies to help better manage these urges, whether it engaging with other activities/hobbies that bring a similar sense of excitement.

    Although GA meetings can be helpful to some, they may not be helpful to others.

    You can see one of our gambling counsellors/financial counsellors for further one on one support if you feel this better suits you. Counselors can also help sign you up to self-exclusion where you can ban yourself from multiple venues. Our services are also free of charge.

    Also if you have a look at this website https://askizzy.org.au/ this would be able to help you find local services available to provide you with food etc.

    Signing up for the 100 day challenge app can also add to your toolkit in trying to tackle the gambling.

    Kind regards,

    Calvin.
    1 x
    AGHS
    Junior Member
    Posts: 5
    Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2017 10:43 am

    Re: Total Failure

    Tue Jun 04, 2019 12:27 pm

    Hi Annie, thanks for sharing your story, you are me about 4 years ago. I got to a point of absolute desperation and had to make a decision to make a choice, it was either gambling or me.......the first thing I did was get a barring order within a 250km radius to ensure my brain wouldn't trick me into getting into my car and travelling long distances. Putting the barring in place actually empowered me as I gave myself strength to say that I am in control, it also gave me the time to start healing. My next step was disclosing to close family.....they were amazing and helped me everyday.....next was to see a counsellor, just someone to talk to, next step was to get my financial affairs in order, I racked up a huge debt but I am glad to say that it all was eventually cleared............then it was all about self care, taking interest in the things I used to love and finding interest in new things. It takes time..........give yourself that time..........this is not your fault, BUT YOU can do something about it. As you can see the barring was my first step, this gave me the time and permission to start the healing process. Only you can take the first step....all the rest will follow. I love my life now, I have money in the bank, food in the cupboards, fuel in my car, bills are paid, nice clothes, sleep at night, not worry every minute of the day about where my next $ will come from, don't have to lie or keep secrets, neglect myself, rob time from my family and friends and so on and on and on.....the positives to giving up far outweigh the negatives of gambling. Good luck...please believe in yourself.
    2 x
    User avatar
    JinxyWolf
    Senior Member
    Posts: 320
    Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:51 pm

    Re: Total Failure

    Tue Jun 04, 2019 10:43 pm

    Hi Annie,

    I just want you to know that there is no such thing as a total failure in this journey to becoming gamble free. Yes, we stumble, sometime fall but never fail. You only truly fail when you stop trying.

    Over my 16+ years of being a gambling addict I tried to quit countless times. I quit for over 18 months but found myself gradually drawn back into the black hole that is gambling addiction. But I found to strength to try again and I've been gamble free now for over 2 years. Now it wasn't easy, there we a lot of ups and downs, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it was also the best and most rewarding thing I've ever done.

    I found that telling myself that I was never going to gamble again was putting to much pressure on myself, even the 100 day challenge didn't really work for me. I found that breaking it down into smaller intervals made it seem less intimidating. "I will not gamble in the next hour, I will not gamble this afternoon, I will not gamble today" for example.

    Be honest with yourself about why you are gambling, what your triggers are. And remember to just BREATH...when you feel the urge to gamble, take a moment and breath...why do you want to gamble....take a breath....what are the consequences if you gamble...close your eyes and take a breath...remember that urges pass and once each urge passes your strength to resist the next one increases.

    It's a hard journey to go on without support, for me this forum and also getting in contact with one the email councellors on this website helped me finally start to see that this was something that didn't have to control my life any longer. As daunting as it seemed, this was a fight I could win and let me tell you Annie, This is a Fight you CAN win.

    Be strong Annie, keep pushing forward and fight for the future you deserve.

    JinxyWolf
    2 x

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