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You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 10:22 pm
by sparkling
I came here last year at a low point go a little better but ive gotten out if control again..

I'm a mum 32.. Fit healthy love my son to the moon and beyond..
Take pride in my appearance but have holes in my clothes shoes as every spare cent i love to punt..
Youd never know it if you first took a look at me.

I started havint a "slap" when i was young but it wasn't a problem then.. it was fun.. it become a problem whenmy anorexic, and anxiety was heighted at 25. I was also in an abusive relationship which didnt help. I didnt do it for a little while with my son then when my anxietydepression flared up i found myself using it to escape. I lobe everyrhing.. races pokies whatever it is..

Im at my last chance THOUGH. To family. Friends. Im going to be found out if i ***** up again as i just cant borrow any more money .

I know in myself ill never give up an interest in horses as I love it but i just can never go near a pokie again.

I just wish i could speed up time so i felt better..

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 11:24 pm
by How the F did I get here
Hi there Sparkling,

Well done for coming back, it sounds like it's crunch time for you. You can do it!

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, apart from the people I've told about my issues ie family and a few others no one would have a clue I have been battling a gambling problem for many years.
I have led a double life.
I also am a mum and at similar stage in my life.
I haven't had anorexia but I definitely have disordered eating, pretty sure I have binge eating disorder which seems to have progressively got worse over the years. And also been obsessed my whole life with my body, always worrying about my size.

I gave up when I was pregnant and managed to stay away for about 4 after my daughter was born, then it all went out of control. Did major damage. When I lapsed I played hard for about a year, then tried to stop but continued to play hard for another 6 months, then pretty much was trying really hard to give up the following 12 months got help with sorting out debts and turned over control of some of my money, still pretty much played in that last 12 months but debts were going down and savings were going up with the person taking care my money.

Anyway finally decided after more big losses enough was enough. I am now 75 days no pokies and no smoking and I don't want to ever go back to that nightmare.

We sound like we have a bit in common, If I can do it you can. You need to muster all the strength you have got in the beginning and just do it. If you don't things will get worse, you might think they can't but they can.

Please turn over control of your money
(most) of it to someone to handle in the early days until you have more strength, there is no other way. Perhaps get counseling or attend GA.

You can do it, do it for your son. Don't turn regret into massive regret. The biggest regret is my daughter, the fact I lost time with her and how I took from our future and just how could I be so sad and depressed and lonely to gamble when I always had her, when I look at her sometimes that hurts thinking all that.
But It could be a lot worse, so I need to forgive myself and move on, If I keep playing I'll end up with so much more regret.

And I mean that in the nicest, most supporting way. That is something I used to mutter to myself all the time.

You can do it, push and fight hard!

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Mon Mar 18, 2019 12:27 am
by sparkling
Thanks for your reply

I understand what you mean. I have had bad eating habits and **** times with my body since very young and it impacts my anxiety and i feel more of an urge to go gamble.

I went a bit crazy on Friday. I lost my mind basically with the urge to do something. My anxiety and a bit of post natal depression i know its the only way i feel i cope these days. But it was the final straw. Its not who i am and those highs just dont last. I think i find that i need the highs then give myself a problem when having no money. Ive been an self abuser my wholelife so maybe this is another way i doit. By feeling miserable and disgusting.
i had to leave my job due to personal reasons so my income is not great at the moment. I have amazing family who have helped me out too much and I know i cant ever ask for money again which helps. Well i probably could but I am too proud to ever be in this situation and enough is enough. I feel like i sold my soul asking for this one last handout and i just wont do it. Ive excluded all my sport accounts so i know i cant touch them and i will never go near a pokie again. I know i can control the punting on horses i never had a problem before its the pokies i can no touch again in my life. Not in a group. Not by myself they are just not good for me. Im day 2 no GF and i will continue to post as it helps and continue to read stories.

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:55 pm
by sparkling
Day 6.. killing it.. feeling confident. Will never touch those ***** machines again.

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 4:10 pm
by TimTam
Well done @sparkling !
Onto bigger and better things for you.

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 11:32 pm
by How the F did I get here
Good on you!! That's terrific, keep it up.

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Thu Aug 29, 2019 5:24 pm
by sparkling
I have not posted in a while

I tried so hard made the week and cracked it big time

Ive been on a downward spiral

I hate myself

I have been sneaking around becoming obsessed with them

I will never touch that **** again this is it for me

I cant believe I suffered for this long

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:12 am
by TimTam
@sparkling I'm sorry to hear this has happened for you.
A lapse or slip up can be a good way of finding out how to adjust your plan to stay on track. You have been gambling free before, so you can do it again!
What is your plan to get back on track?

Re: You'd never pick it if you seen me

Posted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 10:13 pm
by How the F did I get here
Hope you are going okay sparkling. I'm back here again trying to conquer the beast!