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  • GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    A place for our whole Gambling Help Online community to connect. Includes special forum events, monthly rundowns and a place to chat with forum friends.
    Samantha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:43 am

    GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Wed Nov 25, 2020 5:52 pm

    I have been with my gambling partner for 5 years. In summary He knows he has a problem, but only makes certain changes that suits him. He hasn't ever "do everything it takes" or "take the hard road". He has gone really well for some periods, but it never lasts.
    He may give me his bank details, but constantly ask for money with no proof as to where it's going, or just take the bank details back so I can't control it. He goes to counselling most weeks, however isn't always implementing all strategies or taking the skills and tools he uses into the real world

    The first 4 years I have been very supportive and forgiving. I get hurt, he is sorry and we move on, make a fresh start.

    For some reason this year things have turned, he's not as sorry and I am not as forgiving. He still is trying, not 100% but he is to an extent with counselling and excluding where he can, however it has gotten to the point where we are more like housemates instead of partners. He has a short fuse when I bring up any issues, whether it's helping clean up (which he ever does) or asking him can he show me proof of a receipt. He seems to blame me, instead of just being nice about it?
    He never wants to commit to anything like a walk on the beach, or a weekend away, going to the gym or dinner.
    If i ask to watch a movie he's too tired most of the time. I ask to not go the iPad at dinner and he justifies why he should as "he's allowed".I just want to him to be present at dinner. Basically he thinks I am a nag, but I am just telling him my needs, I just want the basic fundamentals of a relationship, he thinks I am asking too much.

    When we argue, he can be quite defensive, causing me to cry. Instead of comforting me, he can be tough and say "oh here we go again, why are you crying"
    We never resolve anything as he doesn't want to talk he just wants to "move on". This frustrates me as it seems to always be his way

    Am I alone here? is this him as a selfish person, or is it 'the gambler' trying to avoid reality? I feel like I am invisible and he can't see the affect his behaviour has on me. It is like Every time he hurts me or ignores me, I can't bring it up or he gets annoyed and instead of hearing me out, he just gets defensive. i can't remember the last time we hung out without a TV or couch, or gone out to dinner etc
    1 x
    Ila123
    Moderator
    Posts: 70
    Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:50 am

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Thu Nov 26, 2020 3:21 pm

    Hi Samantha ,

    Welldone in reaching out. From what you are describing I can see you are going through allot of distress and you are feeling hurt, as a result of your partner's gambling.

    You are not the only one, and you are not alone. A person's gambling behaviour can have serious social, emotional, physical and financial impacts on those who are close to them. A relationship with someone who has a gambling problem can be very distressing and overwhelming.
    It's important to reach out for help as much as you need.

    What strategies do you have in place to look after yourself and to manage how you have been experiencing?
    0 x
    the_penguin
    Moderator
    Posts: 45
    Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:16 pm

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:13 pm

    Hey @Samantha

    How are you going with the relationship troubles? I just read your post and wanted to reach out. You're always welcome here for support anytime you need it.

    Take care.
    0 x
    Samantha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:43 am

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Mon Feb 01, 2021 10:30 am

    Hi @the_penguin

    Things have taken a really bad turn. I gave him an ultimatum. If he isn't ready to change then he can't live with me. He never gave me a real answer, he admits he isn't ready for change but he made another counselling appointment and agreed to transfer his wage to an new account.

    Long story shot i caught him out lying a few times this week, his laid back reaction and lack of emotion is how he deals with being caught these days. This triggered me to go into an emotional state where I was uncontrollable, so the argument's focus went from him not changing to focusing on my emotional outburst. (I am very ashamed of just how emotional I got, I am not sure if anyone else can be triggered into this state).

    I told him to go, he packed his bag, i caved again and got him to stay.

    He never changed his wage, like i knew he wouldn't. It's like he tells me what I want to hear to buy time.

    Now. He is pushed away by my reaction, He is annoyed I didn't give him space.
    I am upset that he isn't changing and also annoyed with myself that I cannot bring myself to get him to move out for a while.
    0 x
    Damaged_Armour
    Member
    Posts: 53
    Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:17 pm

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Mon Feb 01, 2021 2:25 pm

    Samantha wrote:
    Mon Feb 01, 2021 10:30 am
    Hi @the_penguin

    Things have taken a really bad turn. I gave him an ultimatum. If he isn't ready to change then he can't live with me. He never gave me a real answer, he admits he isn't ready for change but he made another counselling appointment and agreed to transfer his wage to an new account.

    Long story shot i caught him out lying a few times this week, his laid back reaction and lack of emotion is how he deals with being caught these days. This triggered me to go into an emotional state where I was uncontrollable, so the argument's focus went from him not changing to focusing on my emotional outburst. (I am very ashamed of just how emotional I got, I am not sure if anyone else can be triggered into this state).

    I told him to go, he packed his bag, i caved again and got him to stay.

    He never changed his wage, like i knew he wouldn't. It's like he tells me what I want to hear to buy time.

    Now. He is pushed away by my reaction, He is annoyed I didn't give him space.
    I am upset that he isn't changing and also annoyed with myself that I cannot bring myself to get him to move out for a while.
    @Samantha

    Kicking him out for a while is the only thing that will work. At the moment he has you in the palm of his hand, aaaand he knows it.

    It's hard not to get emotional because you care so much about him / his problem / your relationship. Hes going to have 2 chances to show you he really wants to make a change. The first chance is you make a list of things you want done by weeks end ie change of bank account to who ever going to manage it for him, and what ever else you want him to do. If he dosnt, boot him out, his second chance will be him coming to his sences after you boot him out. His actions will speak louder than words.
    1 x
    There's No such thing as "Just Once"

    You want to stop gambling? Ok great, put your boxing gloves on.
    Samantha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:43 am

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:52 am

    hi @Damaged_Armour

    I completely 100% agree with you. I know that's what needs to happen. But somehow when the time comes, I cannot go through with it.

    2 reasons
    1 - guilt - that I am throwing him out know how bad his mental health is
    2 - fear he wont come back, won't make contact and punish me for it.

    The number 2 reason I know is silly because, why would I want someone who does that.

    But I am going to take you up on your list idea and talk to my counsellor before I go home and just back myself this time.
    I am scared his 'head in the sand" approach will force another argument tonight...I just want him to sit down and hear me out

    It's so hard. Its like I am all talk, but don't walk the walk
    0 x
    JB-nsw
    Member
    Posts: 71
    Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:03 pm

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Wed Feb 03, 2021 5:57 pm

    Hi Samantha

    Just an external view opinion. Its time to put yourself first and only care about what's best for you. His reaction and flow on effects of what you do should not be part of your concern. When you are making decisions based on how he may or may not react, you will come off second best.

    So that's the pure logic path, but in reality its so so hard when you love someone, I know. Especially when you feel like you are in a semi caring capacity or that they will go downhill without you. A duty of care type of thing. Then there's the other side of what will I do without them, I know their potential and I love the person I know they could be, or sometimes are.

    So difficult because facts on paper is easy but life isn't on paper there are many variables and irrational feelings and only you know what the full story is.

    Don't get down on yourself regardless of your decision to do something or do nothing, I am sure you have your reasons and made the best decision you could at the time.
    2 x
    Samantha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:43 am

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Thu Feb 04, 2021 4:49 pm

    Thanks @JB-nsw

    That's exactly how it is...

    An update (if anyone has stuck around long enough) I went home in a calm manner and asked for a chat. he refused. acting tired from work, a convenient excuse to avoid a hard conversation. He utterly refused and told me to leave him alone (it was a boundary I was crossing). But I said meet me half way so both our boundaries can be met. He refused. He gambled his pay yesterday and without an apology from him, only to leave him alone.

    I know this was all a front for the shame he is feeling, but doesn't make it any easier. I left the room in a calm manner (something I never do in which I am quite proud). This behaviour is really pushing me in the direction to move forward without him. Or at least remove him from living with me.

    TO ANY GAMBLERS OUT THERE - please give me some insight as to why he's doing this? is it shame?

    Thanks to everyone for listening
    0 x
    JB-nsw
    Member
    Posts: 71
    Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:03 pm

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Thu Feb 04, 2021 10:41 pm

    Everyone is different but from my experience for me it was yes, shame, self hatred, numb, angry stressed - all inward focused.

    I was also pretty good at brushing it away and faking being alright but it would manifest in other ways like being distant and withdrawn, and a bit more sensitive around financial stuff if I was stressed about money.

    My partner didn't really know the figures of my gambling, I would say i spent less than I did, and I usually still had enough money to provide until next pay so it went a bit unnoticed/ignored, it wasn't a fighting point or much raised topic, but I knew and it and it ate me up inside.
    0 x
    Samantha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:43 am

    Re: GF of 5 years of a gambler - his behaviours are hurtful, but is it personal?

    Mon Feb 08, 2021 5:39 pm

    @JB-nsw

    Yes, what you are describing is my partner.
    He always says to not take it personally but its very hard not to.

    He also says he doesn't want to change but wants to try. Which I find confusing.
    He hates what he's doing, he wants a better life, but doesn't want to do the work.

    A positive from the week is he has given up his pay and given me control and is back seeing the counsellor today.
    It's not resolved. but it is a start.
    1 x

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