Starting 100 day challenge - 2nd day

[Squeaky]

57 days pokies free. Had a crap couple of days, pissed off, had a blow out. No resistance today, walked in a venue and lost and lost. Stemmed from being sad, not speaking up to sister in law, not able to think ahead, everything looks unachievable and stuck where I don’t want to b,, not that gambling made it any better as lost $2000 dollars. Couldn’t stop. Did eventually. Consoling myself with glass of wine as if that will help.

[TimTam]

Hi @Squeaky

So sorry you had a laspse Its great you have that insight into what went wrong, and what triggered you. This doesn't have to be a relapse, it can be a learning experience of what to look out for next time and put some strategies in place. Start again, we are all cheering for you

[Squeaky]

Time for reflection. Chat line gave me number for gambling counsellor. There’s a lot going on in my head. Did a long meditation and Wim Hof breathing technique. Just when I thought I was doing so well, then trigger and trauma went into play and I went on automatic pilot into the venue and played and played. Now saying to myself 1 day out of 57 days clear. Have to pat myself on the back for that. Still work to b done in the recovery. Big issue is at 68 soon how am I to build things, to b proud of myself, strong especially against a relative I don’t want to upset because of my brother so pacify her to my detriment. Praying that the counsellor will guide me to work better in these situations so I do not slip back into lack of self worth, gamble, I require myself to b stronger and not b manipulated and put on a guilt trap because I do not want to b in this person’s company. I try to kid myself I like her as she has done some good for me in the past; still paying the piper so to speak. Not blaming her, annoyed and frustrated with myself that I didn’t speak up and with the frustration this triggered me. Great to b aware, onward and upwards now to b the adult person I am.

[Calvin (facilitator)]

Well done @Squeaky Glad to hear your determination!

[Squeaky]

Been back on track after expensive relapse so now on 63 minus 1 days as I am calling it. Necessity to b mindful all the time, have first telephone call with counsellor on Wednesday. On my target list to make something of myself without gambling. What will b that like, I wonder; open it out to the universe. Grateful for being safe in my recovery; 2-year anniversary today, chose this man for my safety and comfort. He knows nothing of my gambling trait or much about my life. Has made my life easier, no worry or fear of being homeless. Takes so much away from your life. Had a lazy week, trained once, been swimming couple of times with friends, cooked nutritious food and some new recipes mainly plant based, had some wine, spent too long on social media, wonder how I can build a residual income. Many questions wizzing round my head.

[sherpa09 (facilitator)]

Hi Squeaky,

Great work in staying strong and remaining gambling free! As you said it's all about being mindful of your actions.
If anyone else has any other suggestions in moving forward or can relate to Squeaky we'd love to hear from you.

Well done again Squeaky and look forward to your future posts :)

Regards,

Sherpa 09 (one of the moderators on the forum).

[Squeaky]

Hi all. Next step now, had my first call with counsellor for gambling so more back-up support for me. So pleased have not played pokies after my relapse on day 58 of the 100 day challenge so now at 67 days minus 1. Being aware of the trigger, they will come and go, still in my system. Made me aware that the gambling has been a coping aid in my life. This so interesting. To shut out what I didn’t want to face, gave me a buzz away from my reality of what is. Accept that gambling part of me, time to channel into something else of more benefit to my psyche. This is the first time I have really faced it, always thought I was somewhat different and could get away with it with no consequences. How there has been so many.

[TimTam]

Its great you are now having this insight @Squeaky
Will be very important to your journey to know this.

[Kaydeos4494]

Thats awesome mate

[Squeaky]

Resisted today .. so happy. Those thoughts floating through my mind of being pulled to go in the venue when of all things was getting my hair done, I visualised in my mind how I would feel afterwards if I did walk into the venue, and that did it. Got over it. Feeling so much happier. Bought myself a lovely outfit from the new clothes shop on Monday and felt a bit indulgent at the expense, however never felt indulgent when I was continuing putting money into the machine, I didn’t think anything of it; these comparisons are helpful for me. Day 74 minus one relapse at day 58. Proud of myself and life opening out.