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  • 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    For those taking the 100 Day Challenge. Share your journey, seek support and track your progress here!
    Springhope17
    Senior Member
    Posts: 234
    Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:16 pm

    100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Mon Dec 23, 2019 4:09 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Its been a while since i have posted or been online. Things were going well.
    But i have been relapsing lately. I now feel like i am at rock bottom and its time i start all over again!
    I dont want to be this person who is desperate and out of control.
    I feel like i am once again trapped on the pokie merry go round and i havent been able to get off.
    Constantly chasing my losses, trying to win, just to save myself from this crippling debt. Its suffocating. I feel like i cant breathe. I just want to be free from this cycle, from the despair of gambling!
    I have titled this thread 100 Days yet again hopeless to Happiness. As that is my goal. It is what i want to achieve.
    Its 2 days to Christmas i have overdue bills, i owe family money, my rent is due, i could go on and on about how much debt and trouble i am currently in.. but you all know the story.
    I have all the tools, yet i struggle so much to just stop, to break away from the pull of the pokies. I know they are destroying me yet i am blinded and see them as the only answer to my problems.
    Well no more! I must stop before they completely destroy me!
    I really hope this is the end of the pokies being in my life. I need to be free and start living my life.. rather then wasting away in pokie venues for hours on end.
    3 x
    Ducky89
    Junior Member
    Posts: 23
    Joined: Wed Jun 05, 2019 11:48 am

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Mon Dec 23, 2019 4:26 pm

    @Springhope17 it must be so frustrating to be back in that difficult place when you'd been going so well recently but it's really lovely to see that you're hopeful you can turn things around once again. I hope the forums continue to be a place of support and connection for you on this journey.

    - Ducky 89
    1 x
    ryan1019
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:43 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Mon Dec 23, 2019 7:25 pm

    Feel for you mate, i always cover my credit and bills but yes get sucked in too to the machines. Not sure if you can private message here but maybe people like you who know what its like can give each other support although wont work some of the time and the devil you know dismisses it but ill be here, not dead yet and dont plan to be.
    3 x
    Springhope17
    Senior Member
    Posts: 234
    Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:16 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Tue Dec 24, 2019 10:37 am

    Thank you for those who have responded. It feels good to be heard and understood.

    I just wanted to take some time and write down similarly to @JC what a bet represents to me. I have been thinking since reading the post last night. What does gambling mean and represent to me so here goes;

    1. Shame- constantly feeling ashamed of my behaviour.
    2. Desperation & despair- trying desperately to cover my losses, to put on a happy face, to hide my pain from loved ones
    3. Exhaustion- tiredness trying keep up all the lies, trying to keep on functioning like nothing is wrong, gambling constantly being on my mind taking over my thoughts
    4. Loneliness- time spend gambling alone, time spend hiding away from the world, missing out on time with family and friends, having no one in the world to confide in about what you are going through.
    5. Misery, lies, deceit- life becomes so miserable when you are constantly hiding things, i dont even recognise myself at times, this isnt who i am or who i want to be
    6. Failure- i feel like a failure in life
    7. Hurt, anger & disgust- i hate myself and i what i become when gambling
    8. The cycle- the vicious cycle which i view as a merry go round or a Ferris wheel it just keeps cycling around and around i so desperately want to get off and never get back on again

    I dont want to be the above person i dont want to feel the above thoughts anymore.

    I can do this. Day 1.
    4 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 465
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Tue Dec 24, 2019 12:18 pm

    Great awareness ! Keep this list handy as a reminder!
    1 x
    Mona58
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1124
    Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 12:44 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Tue Dec 24, 2019 12:53 pm

    Hey Springhope!

    So sorry you are feeling disappointed and down at this time.

    I wonder... would it help to also write a list of all the good things about yourself?

    Mona
    2 x
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
    scuba
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Dec 25, 2019 11:27 am

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Wed Dec 25, 2019 11:42 am

    Hi Mate , Feel for you , I had only 2 weeks up and yesterday some how schemed and planned to act out and yes went and gambled .I hate myself and looking at your list I too want to get rid of all these feelings and sadness and find content and happiness in my life without gambling . I love your saying Hopeless to Happiness and I sincerely hope I can share your journey of recovery and a new and exciting way of life .
    As they say only changing will bring about change and Iam determined and willing like you to change my life for the better I know one thing for sure I am not going to find life in a dark corner of the poker machine area in a club or pub !!
    2 x
    Springhope17
    Senior Member
    Posts: 234
    Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:16 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Wed Dec 25, 2019 4:52 pm

    Thank you for the responses! As always much appreciated.
    @Mona i will make that list ill give myself a bit more time cos i dont feel much positivity towards myself currently.. but i know that will pass in time!
    @scuba please keep in touch with ur progress we can work towards the 100 days together.
    @ryan1019 how are you currently going?
    I am always happy to receive private message. To be honest i will try whatever it takes to try and beat this addiction!!!
    Day 2 Christmas Day.. putting on a brave face pretending all is right in my world to loved ones so i dont inflict any of my self brought pain on them. Thats the thing with gambling there is so much shame. I dont want anyone to know. So i suffer in silence. I deserve it i know the consequences! That i will never truly win on those devil machines! So today i will try to enjoy my time with loved ones be thankful to be able to share this time together. And i will plan for my future have some goals short term like which bills to pay first and long term what i want to change to work towards.
    I hope you all have a very merry day!
    0 x
    ryan1019
    Junior Member
    Posts: 19
    Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:43 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Wed Dec 25, 2019 6:19 pm

    That brave face is the feeling i have although having a nice quiet xmas i do have fears what will happen if the job falls through. Going to work in the new years and putting the hard yards in again burdens me as i go back to the start line. Seeing my brother who I haven’t seen for years on Friday will meet and greet. I dont see an option for private messaging here maybe the moderators can help.
    1 x
    Springhope17
    Senior Member
    Posts: 234
    Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:16 pm

    Re: 100 Days.. Yet Again - Hopeless to Happiness

    Thu Dec 26, 2019 5:50 pm

    Day 3 - busy with family. Its good to be busy its a big distraction! I have made list with all the oustanding and bills coming up over the next month. I have also looked at trying to cut down where possible. I need to know exactly what to pay as soon as the money hits my account so i dont have anymore lapses. I am also scheduling things for payday and the day after which is my danger time! Even if its a family dinner etc. Something planned so i dont have any choice to run off and gamble. Hope you all are having a great boxing day.!
    2 x

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