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My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 10:23 pm
by Jc
Ok guys.

I’ve been meaning to post but here I am.

Last year I went 8 months gamble free...but this year has been shaky. I don’t know what it is. I wouldn’t say I’ve ‘relapsed’ because all my bets have been small in comparison with my own past. In saying’s not the amount of the bet, it is what the bet represents. The last six years of misery for me.

Some people are telling me I’ve ‘controlled’ my addiction to the point where I can ‘gamble for leisure’. Even if I’m only betting small at the some point it’ll escalate into something bigger. I don’t want to go down that path again.

It just feels so weird, last year I was so determined to quit, I had so much willpower. Now I can barely make it through a weekend.

So I’ve decided to make a new thread, and restart 100 days challenge.

What a bet (irrespective of the amount) represents for me:

1. Misery. The amount of times over the years I was just miserable, day in and day out. And I just could never stop betting.
2. Anger. Every Sunday night looking at my bank statement getting angry with myself for my own lack of willpower in being able to cease betting. I would hate myself.
3. Loneliness. I would spend weeks and weeks alone...just gambling. No joke, from Friday night to Sunday Night - I would be gambling. Foregone nights out with friends just so I could sit at home and bet on the sports. I never realised how lonely I got when I had stopped betting.
4. Lies and Deceit. I’ve had to make up so many stories for why I didn’t have money. ‘Oh my credit card got stolen’, or ‘I had a big unexpected expense’ etc. There was always an excuse for why I didn’t have money. And when I say I didn’t have money, I mean like I couldn’t even tap my card to buy a coffee. $0. Or I had to steal a few hundred dollars from my father just to repay small loans. I don’t want to do that anymore.
5. Tiredness. I’m so tired. Tired of life. Tired of living a double life. Putting a smile on for people, for my family - pretending I’m happy on the outside. That was just a facade. On the inside I felt so depressed, that I was just wanted to break down in tears in front of people. However I had to hold it all in for my friends and family...remember, this was all my own doing so they wouldn’t be too forgiving. There were times where I were just a hollow shell, dead on the inside putting on a show for everyone, until I could get to my pillow and cry.
6. Tears. I’ve cried myself to sleep on so many times. Many times I’d weep black tears after losing money.
7. Thoughts. Gambling was all I’d think about, it was the last thought that left me when I’d fall asleep and the first thought that came to me when I awoke. Doesn’t matter what I was doing, I’d always have a bet on. I remember being at a funeral and checking the scores of an NBA game.
8. Vicious Cycles. The amount of times I’d swear I’d never bet again after heavy losses, then renege on my own oaths after a few days...and the cycle continues.
9...That’s all I can think of for now. Feel free to add your own here :)

I just want to be free of this. Now I’m not going to say ‘I’m never going to bet again’ because the concept of forever is really daunting. As gamblers anonymous says ‘a day a time’

So yes, it is Day 1. Sorry for the essay, but somethings need to be said.

Today I’m not going to bet.

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:38 am
by How the F did I get here

Hey JC,

I've just saw this post, will respond tmrw. So tired.
Really good post!
You're back trying again, and that's all that matters!

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 1:09 am
by sml0490
Good luck, you’ve done it before so you can do it again. Have faith in yourself and take each day carefully. Keep occupied

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 9:15 pm
by Cazza
Hey jc,
When i had my relapse i felt gutted and disgust and despair with myself.
I also started thinking maybe next time i will bet low and how can i find time and a reason to be out of the house next weekend.
And just like that i knew I was in trouble. The thing is i still want to play the pokies sometimes I have days where I think about it on and off and i feel i still miss it.
But then i think about all the negatives, and guess what your list of what you hate about betting is nearly my list to a tee.
My least missed moment is the Sunday nights when i used to lay in bed trying to mentally juggle what money or none i had left until payday.
You know it's hard to start, you know it's crap to go back to day one , but sometimes you just have to the days of despair instead of years or even a lifetime of them.
You can do this jc

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 11:50 am
by Calvin (facilitator)
Hello @Jc

Really great self-awareness. You've really taken the time to look both inward and outward of the effects that gambling has brought to yourself and your life.

Its good to hear that you are determined to tackle the gambling issue head on.

Be patient with yourself

Kind regards,


Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:44 pm
by How the F did I get here

I forgot about your post!

I can't even begin to tell you how I can relate to everything you wrote. I also feel the same as you, I don't think I can ever bet for leisure as that one small big like you say will no doubt escalate.
Like you say even that one small bet, it doesnt represent $50 or whatever, you nailed it on the head it represents the misery of the time we were in that dark, dark place.

All of your 8 points are spot on, the misery, depression, lies, sleepless nights, anger, exhaustion of just living that life.
I remember scrounging for coins, other occassions grabbing a few things at the supermarket and frantically doing the sums in my head each item in the basket.

I also missed social events due to no money and depression of hating life.

Literally everything you wrote I get!!
You were doing fantastic before and from what I saw you were a great inspiration to everyone on here back then, I also found your posts and quest to be gamble free quite inspirational especially because you were one of the younger ones on here and you were handling that **** like a boss!!
You killed it before, time to kill it again mate!!

This is just a small bump in your journey, fall down 7 times, get back up 8! 👊

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 11:13 pm
by Jc
Thank you for all the kind words everyone. I need to get through this weekend unscathed.

I felt so terrible last weekend. I mean I was down in the dumps depressed. I cancelled on a friend on Saturday and spent the Sunday teary eyed...

Day 4 today. I just need to get through this weekend.

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Tue May 07, 2019 9:39 am
by BrittV (facilitator)
Hey @Jc, Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Sun May 19, 2019 11:17 pm
by Jc

I’ve been very well. I’ve had a few slip ups here and there over the last couple of weeks. Small bets...nothing as bad as before. But a bet is a bet nonetheless.

I’m on Day 7 right now. First time I’ve actually got through a weekend unscathed for a while!!!

I WILL post more regularly here

Re: My last ‘Last Day One’

Posted: Mon May 20, 2019 1:45 pm
by Calvin (facilitator)
Goods to hear back from you @Jc

Sometimes slip ups can occur but whats important is we keep trying and moving forward, but also being aware of what caused the slip up, what was happening at the time we made that choice, what trigger was it and how to overcome this urge if it shall arise again.

7 DAYS is great !!! Keep it up ! :)

Calvin .