Just now i lost 3800 dollars since thursday. The week before i won 6000 the week before i lost 2000 blah blah. Ive been doing this stupid crap for so many years now and im sick and tired of it. Exactly what you're say you use to do im doing and have done for many years. Its a vicious cycle of isolation and depression. I have a stressful buisness massive tax debts now due to this crap and i need to bail myself out. All gamblers are in the same boat. But maybe talking about it might help. One thing i noticed mate is gambling has cluttered my mind. Im not the same person i was. Hopefully if i can get through 100 day it will snap me out of it and i can focus on getting to where i was and make up for lost time. This all started 10 years ago with a 100 dollar sports multi that won 5k. I wish i never put that bet on.Jc wrote: ↑Thu Apr 04, 2019 10:23 pmOk guys.
I’ve been meaning to post but here I am.
Last year I went 8 months gamble free...but this year has been shaky. I don’t know what it is. I wouldn’t say I’ve ‘relapsed’ because all my bets have been small in comparison with my own past. In saying that...it’s not the amount of the bet, it is what the bet represents. The last six years of misery for me.
Some people are telling me I’ve ‘controlled’ my addiction to the point where I can ‘gamble for leisure’. Even if I’m only betting small at the point...at some point it’ll escalate into something bigger. I don’t want to go down that path again.
It just feels so weird, last year I was so determined to quit, I had so much willpower. Now I can barely make it through a weekend.
So I’ve decided to make a new thread, and restart 100 days challenge.
What a bet (irrespective of the amount) represents for me:
1. Misery. The amount of times over the years I was just miserable, day in and day out. And I just could never stop betting.
2. Anger. Every Sunday night looking at my bank statement getting angry with myself for my own lack of willpower in being able to cease betting. I would hate myself.
3. Loneliness. I would spend weeks and weeks alone...just gambling. No joke, from Friday night to Sunday Night - I would be gambling. Foregone nights out with friends just so I could sit at home and bet on the sports. I never realised how lonely I got when I had stopped betting.
4. Lies and Deceit. I’ve had to make up so many stories for why I didn’t have money. ‘Oh my credit card got stolen’, or ‘I had a big unexpected expense’ etc. There was always an excuse for why I didn’t have money. And when I say I didn’t have money, I mean like I couldn’t even tap my card to buy a coffee. $0. Or I had to steal a few hundred dollars from my father just to repay small loans. I don’t want to do that anymore.
5. Tiredness. I’m so tired. Tired of life. Tired of living a double life. Putting a smile on for people, for my family - pretending I’m happy on the outside. That was just a facade. On the inside I felt so depressed, that I was just wanted to break down in tears in front of people. However I had to hold it all in for my friends and family...remember, this was all my own doing so they wouldn’t be too forgiving. There were times where I were just a hollow shell, dead on the inside putting on a show for everyone, until I could get to my pillow and cry.
6. Tears. I’ve cried myself to sleep on so many times. Many times I’d weep black tears after losing money.
7. Thoughts. Gambling was all I’d think about, it was the last thought that left me when I’d fall asleep and the first thought that came to me when I awoke. Doesn’t matter what I was doing, I’d always have a bet on. I remember being at a funeral and checking the scores of an NBA game.
8. Vicious Cycles. The amount of times I’d swear I’d never bet again after heavy losses, then renege on my own oaths after a few days...and the cycle continues.
9...That’s all I can think of for now. Feel free to add your own here :)
I just want to be free of this. Now I’m not going to say ‘I’m never going to bet again’ because the concept of forever is really daunting. As gamblers anonymous says ‘a day a time’
So yes, it is Day 1. Sorry for the essay, but somethings need to be said.
Today I’m not going to bet.
Day 1 for me too mate lets do this