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  • The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    For those taking the 100 Day Challenge. Share your journey, seek support and track your progress here!
    jahmun
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:40 pm

    The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Thu Mar 21, 2019 11:14 pm

    Its been a long time since i have been back to this forum, but just browsing some of the posts has inspired me to share my experiences.
    I have a long history of addiction, and pokies have played a major role since i was 17 (fake ID LOL!)
    Now 40, i had almost 7 years total abstinence including gambling from 2005-2012. My life transformed from self hatred, desperation and hopelessness, to my debts paid, properties bought, travel, partner, kids etc.
    but i made the conscious decision that i was ok to dabble, and spent the following 6 years catching up on lost time. I shudder to think of the exact figure, but am confident its in the hundreds of thousands lost.
    I spent 18 months stopping and starting, going back to 12 step recovery, until i was so broken and scared and had damaged my relationships and decimated my finances, that I found the gift of desperation again, and went to rehab..... twice.
    I am now 9 months ‘clean”, but the disease of addiction just keeps finding a way, and my insanity of rationalisation, justification, secrets and lies, just keeps dragging me away from the hope i was feeling in those early days. I have been playing during work hours, and doing the silly dance of pulling out cash, and if i win, putting it back in, keeping the remainder, losing that the next day and pulling out the cash again, losing that, waiting a few days for the negative recall to leave me then start it all over again. I consider myself a fairly intelligent, competent person, very successful in my chosen career, but the pokies make a fool out of me everyday, and the guilt and shame weighs me down like boulders around my neck. My partner is understanding, but frustrated, and is fearful that this is just the start of a return to the old days.
    I know what needs to be done. I know the 12 steps. I know i need to hand over complete control of my finances. I have many beautiful people in my support network i can call. But i dont, because i know if i do they will discourage me, and the beast is not done.
    So this is my attempt to claw my way back, to tray and break the cycle, despite my lack of 100% commitment.
    I have all the war stories, i have all the sadness, anxiety, fear, shame, guilt... but its still not enough, and i am scared about what is going to be enough, and whether ill actually make it back from there..
    3 x
    Mona58
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1130
    Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 12:44 pm

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Fri Mar 22, 2019 5:56 am

    Hi Jahman,

    Stay Strong! keep fighting!

    Mona
    1 x
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
    jahmun
    Junior Member
    Posts: 13
    Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:40 pm

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:35 am

    Almost made it through the day. Kids and the missus went to bed early. I would love to say it just happened, but it was brewing all day. 2 hours later $1500 gone, money we definitely cant afford to lose. Back to juggling the creditors until payday more than a month away. This thing has such a hold on me. Tomorrow i wake with that all too familiar misery of remorse and fear. I have deleted the bank apps, tomorrow i confess to the missus and hand over complete control of the finances. The ego must be put aside. Too late to get humble, i am humiliated.
    I know theres hope though. Ive done it before, i can do it again. As terrible as it is, part of me feels glad i had this brutal loss, to remind me there is no strategy, there is no way to win my way back. It always ends the same way.
    I have to be a man, accept the storm thats coming and ride it out.
    2 x
    Chunkyquitter
    Member
    Posts: 78
    Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:34 pm

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Wed Mar 27, 2019 7:55 pm

    Holy **** mate. I’m now 41, I’ve found myself back on these forums after a period of anstenance also. It started again Melbourne Cup day last year. Started up again. Back winner after winner now I’ve gone beserk. Lost heaps and can’t believe I’ve found myself in this position again.

    I’m about to do the 100 day challenge again, just need to kick this habit and stop sneaking out of the house for pokie sessions or silently horse betting while family around.


    Good luck mate with telling your wife. It’s better to face the music and stop than keep punishing yourself and playing machines
    2 x
    Chunkyquitter
    Member
    Posts: 78
    Joined: Mon Dec 12, 2016 11:34 pm

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Wed Mar 27, 2019 7:56 pm

    Meant to say I’ve been gambling since about 14. My kin used to give me $24 to put trifectas on. I used to clean up, I’ve also been playing pokies since 16, I was a big kid and my Mum used to take me to the clubs.
    0 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 518
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:23 am

    Hello!
    Good on you for continuing to reach out after such a long journey!

    Its great to hear that you are really trying to tackle the gambling habit.

    Have you ever considered seeing a gambling counsellor/financial counsellor ? All the services are free and can provide you with extra support and strategies along the way .


    Kind regards,

    Calvin
    1 x
    User 58e3730e58708
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Mar 30, 2019 10:05 am

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Sat Mar 30, 2019 10:19 am

    Hi there,
    This is my first time posting and I just really want to stop the insanity myself and remember how good it felt not gambling!
    I have been in this vicious cycle for nearly 13 years myself with the pokies. I know I shouldn't and plan to not gamble but find myself back each time. I want to be able to make myself proud and my family. I feel I have come a long way over the years but it seems to rear it's ugly head from time to time. I want to connect with those who understand it and work together
    3 x
    dragon007 (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 191
    Joined: Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:07 am

    Re: The insanity of addiction- pokies eating their way back into my life

    Sat Mar 30, 2019 4:39 pm

    Hi @@User 595ea4b09fd79

    Welcome to the forum and well done on reaching out and asking for help.
    Keep posting and we look forward to hearing your experience and I hope you find the support you are looking for.

    Take care
    dragon007
    1 x

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