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  • My Journey so far

    For those taking the 100 Day Challenge. Share your journey, seek support and track your progress here!
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:32 am

    My Journey so far

    Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:40 pm

    DAY 1
    I started gambling again 2.5 mths ago after 4 years of not even entertaining a thought towards gambling.
    2 days ago, my wife confronted me when she found a credit card addressed to me in the mail. She knew something wasn't right because we usually always discuss something like that.
    I had no choice but to come clean, again. I thought I would get home to an empty house but she stayed. It made me so sad to see how I hurt her again.
    I am not a bad guy; I love my wife and kids more than I could ever explain; yet when I gamble nothing seems to matter to me except winning. I have a gambling addiction and I need help and I will do that

    DAY 2
    Today was an okay day. We stayed at home and mowed the backyard, gave the patio a general tidy and organised the shed and did a dump run. We spent some quality fun time in the pool because it was so hot. I had absolutely zero urges to gamble today. I did however throughout the day feel sad. Not for myself but for my wife and son and how my actions hurt them even when I knew that my bad choices would affect them directly. I'm glad I feel those rushes of sadness because it's a very real reminder of what I have done and that I have a very long road ahead of me.

    DAY 3
    I spent a lot of time talking with my wife. The biggest question on her mind is why did I do it. I swore to her 4 years ago to never gamble again otherwise no matter how much she loved me, she would leave. I don't know how to explain why I did it. I knew going on that online casino was wrong, yet I still typed the URL into my browser and pressed enter. I felt so guilty as I typed in my bankcard details to deposit money into the account. There was nothing about what I was doing in that moment that felt right to me and yet I didn't stop. From then on, I can't explain who I was as every time I logged on to that online casino and deposited more and more money, all the memories of how much pain I caused the first time Played over and over in my head with absolute clarity and yet I couldn't stop. It was like as soon as I was gambling, the rest of the world just became a blurred background. I need and want to find an answer to my wife's question as to why I did it.

    Today we also sat down and did our budget. We went through bank statements, added up all the bills and incorporated the new loans I had taken out to see how much was left over so we could estimate is long and hard the financial recovery would be.

    When my wife found out I was gambling again a couple of days ago she asked me how long it had been going on. I told her it was about 3 months, even though I wasn't certain. The sad part for me tonight as she was going through bank statements was that in actually fact, I had only been gambling for 4 weeks and caused the huge financial loss in the last 4 days before my wife finding out.
    I am so angry and disappointed in myself to think that I could do so much damage and knowingly risk losing my family and also ruining their future.
    It sucks to have to see the hard truths of what I had actually done, but in another way I am relieved and ready to do this the hard way.

    DAY 4
    It rained last night and today was wet and cold. I felt good when I woke up this morning. My wife only had to duck out to work for an hour or so and I had planned on working on an unfinished project of mine and my wife's in the shed. Unfortunately today decided to teach me another hard truth.

    As my wife turned the ignition on in the car there was loud crunching sound and then just a whirring sound and the car wouldn't start again. Immediately I felt annoyed and angry with myself because I could already see the bill to repair this problem (starter motor) and I was angry because any other time we would have money put aside as rainy day funds, but because of my gambling addiction, it is an unforeseeable cost on top of all the other bills that are due.

    I realise that whether I was gambling or not, the starter motor on my car could break but the difference is that if I had not of been gambling, we wouldn't have to shuffle money around to attempt to fix it.

    So yes it made me feel angry because I could have avoided this.
    Now the last few days have obviously been tough at home. I think all the stress, worry and the additional burden of looking after the finances has taken a toll on my wife. She‘s taken on 2 jobs as a means of damage control to salvage our finances and I can't even imagine what it would be like for her to work so much, Miss out on so much time with our son and at the end of it all, she sees no reward.

    I did that, my gambling and the negative results of my gambling are the cause of why my wife misses out on spending more time with her little boy. I stress her out, I am the reason she's tired.
    I keep asking myself over and over, how could I have inflicted so much hurt on someone I love so much? How could I not see that I was also hurting our son indirectly by risking his future of a good education and a better life? I always say how I want the best for our family and then I make a choice that near on destroyed our family.

    Today was tough mentally but it was a day that showed me exactly how badly my choices affected those closest to me and I won't ever forget that.

    DAY 5
    Today Is day five since I signed up the challenge? I think imp doing okay so far, I have not had the urge or even the interest to gamble.

    My wife and I had another chat, one of very many we have had this week, which in itself is an improvement in my ability or will to communicate my feelings and thoughts. Don't know why I didn't think I could talk to her earlier, because it has been so refreshing to not only feel so anxious and afraid of what she might think of me but to realise that its not hard or embarrassing to express how you feel, you just have to do it.

    During the chat last night my wife mentioned that she feels that I appear to try to keep very busy from the moment I wake to the moment I got to bed, and she felt that she was almost trying to compete with whatever I was doing in order to even just get me to sit down and watch T.V with her. At first I disagreed but as we discussed it and she told me that earlier in the day she tried to have an important conversation with me that she actually had to ask me to look at her as I was still doing whatever I was doing. When she said that, it dawned on me that she was right because that's something I would usually never do, as I would give her my full attention. it was the first time in a long time where when I did something that frustrated her or annoyed her that instead of getting angry with me and starting an argument she explained what she saw I was doing and how it made her feel and if I could maybe work on being more aware of it. Instead of getting defensive or making excuses, her way of talking to me made me acknowledge that she wants to help me though this journey in every way she can and I feel that I owe it to her to listen, accept and try to improve my way of thinking.

    I will be congnisaint of spending more quality one on one time with her without having to be reminded to do so.
    0 x
    Posts: 75
    Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2014 4:49 pm

    Re: My Journey so far

    Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:58 pm

    Thanks for sharing your days and journey. I read it again and again...I saw myself in you and did exactly the same thing to my husband.
    I was gamble free for 7-8 years and I had to confess when my husband found me at the casino. Sadly, I then relapsed last two years and went to a counsellor as I felt I needed a professional help badly. I went together with my husband and I was grateful for his support. He paid off my debt ($5000);. Then I was GF again for six months before another relapse. Another confession to my husband last month where he paid off my credit card debt of $6,000.

    I relapsed again last night with the online casino. I only got to know the online betting devil last month. I lost another $7,000 last night and lost my sleep...I lost count of how much money I lost.

    I don't think I was playing to win. I only stopped when nothing left, not when I won. I played to kill my boredom. My life is a bit too easy sometimes so I feel like I need something to fill the hole and excite me (my guess). So I don't know when you talked about your gambling to winning...sorry, I don't think that is your true goal. Addiction is very hard to understand. I have enough money and I don't need to win but I keep throwing money away...bizarrely sad!

    My experience is quite similar to you. My husband is extremely supportive like your wife. I had been hiddenly occupied myself with online betting while pretending that I was watching TV next to my husband. It is that bad and I hate myself very much as I dared to even do it next to my husband!

    I don't know how long I can stay away. I hope we both will be strong and think more of our partner and family. I want to stop being selfish like this.

    Last night I lost $7,000 online while my husband was sleeping....truly horrible thing one can do :-(
    0 x
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:32 am

    Re: My Journey so far

    Fri Apr 13, 2018 12:55 am

    Day 72
    I feel amazing

    Friday, 13th April 2018

    72 days and not a single tempting thought to gamble! But the journey wasn't easy.

    obviously in the past I have proven myself untrustworthy, evident by the many lies i told to hide my gambling Addiction. There were also a number of other secrets, not gambling related that my wife found out about, and that in order to have any chance of salvaging our marriage, I had to come completely clean and tell her everything down to the very last detail of everything.

    I still have a long way to go in proving to my wife that she will one day be able to trust me again, but I feel that we are both in a strong positive honest place in our relationship that we together as a team will work towards improving our family's future.

    i feel for the first time in my life that I have completely and honestly let someone in to see the real me, emotions, fears, flaws and all. I always wanted my wife to stay in love with the guy she first fell in love with. I didn't ever want her to see that I was vulnerable, or that I had negative emotions. What that meant though was that I was only ever 80% of the real me for her and that's not fair on her.

    Ive promised myself that I will never ever be anything less than 100% me for her and our kids. No secrets, never again.

    we both feel closer to each other now and it truly feels like from this point onwards , we are on the road to a better future....

    I am and forever will be a gambling addict

    I have suffered depression, and I acknowledge that I had depression. I asked for help and reached out.

    i have no more secrets from my wife

    i will always tell my wife anything that is bothering me or affecting me.

    She has never judged me and never will

    she loves me for me the 100% me, flaws and all

    i am a great husband

    i am a great daddy to our children

    i won't forget this journey and I have realised that so much of this could of been avoided, if only I had not been selfish and scared believing that the woman that I love more than anything would judge me or think of me as a lesser man. She thinks more of me now that's ever before because she loves me and no matter what, that was always enough for her.
    0 x

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