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  • My Story

    For those taking the 100 Day Challenge. Share your journey, seek support and track your progress here!
    puggles
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:29 pm

    Re: My Story

    Sun Feb 18, 2018 3:36 pm

    Hi Team,

    Just an update...

    So back at day 1 unfortunately. After 31 days GF i slipped up and lost $1100, all in the pokies.

    I felt so terrible last night, which is a good thing. Thats the only silver lining i can take from the experience. I would previously lose that much (or more) and wouldn't be too upset about it, it was part of the process.

    I've been thinking about thr trigger, and it was both loneliness and boredom. I usually have my son on the weekends and for the first time since i've been on this journey i didn't have him, and my other plans fell through. So there i was; bored, lonely, sad and feeling sorry for myself. What a combination! And i defaulted back to what i've done for the last 19yrs, and gambled.

    Started out a little, but before i knew it i was literally on autpilot, getting more and more desperate, feeling more and more guilty. Then a lady next to me won a couple of thousand, when i was down $200 and i wished i'd never seen it. All of a sudden, this became a fixation for me, its possible. Not rational.

    It took a startling amount of energy today to resist the urge to chase. I just keot repeating to myself "i cant win". I always find the day after a binge the hardest to navigate.

    Anyway, after beating myself up for the last 24hrs and thinking about the things i can no longer do because of the lost money, i really now need to shift my focus to the positives in life.

    Thanks for listening. Stay strong people.
    0 x
    Pea pod
    Senior Member
    Posts: 182
    Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:23 pm

    Re: My Story

    Mon Feb 19, 2018 8:56 am

    Hi puggles. You have recognised your triggers and that's part of our recovery. Lonely , bored, plans change, funeral, big bill in the mail, fight with partner, to much housework, not liking your job, all these things make my desire to gamble and many more. After 20 years I have to learn how to manage triggers and do something else. Think about a DVD, a nice coffee in a cafe, visit a friend, go to the library, go for a walk, sleep, eat and call the helpline for a chat. Hate the pokies and hate the venues get angry at them. All the best keep strong.
    0 x
    DFP
    Senior Member
    Posts: 182
    Joined: Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:56 am

    Re: My Story

    Mon Feb 19, 2018 8:38 pm

    Hi. Are you able to limit your access to cash? I found it very hard to resist urges - and like you, once in a venue I hit autopilot and lose all control. Better to not go there in the first place, and without money there's no point going. I have found limiting access to cash to be the most essential baseline strategy for me. All the best - keep working hard at staying quit.
    0 x
    Always a 'work in progress'
    Oregon
    Senior Member
    Posts: 122
    Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2017 1:08 pm

    Re: My Story

    Mon Feb 19, 2018 9:41 pm

    Hi Puggles,

    I'm sorry to hear that you relapsed and lost money. To be honest my first relapse I got up and thought "well it doesn't count because I didn't lose anything". So I didn't have that horrible feeling until I had a big loss, like yourself.

    Hopefully next time you are feeling these urges you remember to come onto the forums or ring the gambling helpline first... even when you're alone you can still reach out.

    Oregon
    0 x
    Gamble free since 29.05.18
    puggles
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:29 pm

    Re: My Story

    Sun Mar 04, 2018 8:02 pm

    Hi everybody, can't believe it's March already....!

    So it has been two weeks since my relapse/slip, and i've not gambled since. So since i've joined this forum, i've managed to reduce my gambling frequency quite significantly, although not yet to zero.

    One thing I am finding quite useful at the moment is that i have written on my fridge the amount of money i have lost since the start of the year. This has been powerful in that i see it all the time, and i tell myself that i do not want that number to increase. That number is sitting around $1500. If i compare that to the same time period last year, it would have another zero on the end of it...

    Still, my goal is to have a complete calendar month of no gambling, i'm keen to make that March!

    Stay strong and positive people.
    0 x
    DFP
    Senior Member
    Posts: 182
    Joined: Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:56 am

    Re: My Story

    Sun Mar 04, 2018 8:29 pm

    Well done - congratulations on your progress. And great idea about being visibly accountable against how much money you've lost. Keep it up.
    0 x
    Always a 'work in progress'
    puggles
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:29 pm

    Re: My Story

    Sun Apr 15, 2018 10:49 pm

    Hi team,

    Just checking in.

    After a good run of non gambling, I crashed. $5k in one week. Feeling pretty terrible to be honest. Really fell into the trap of chasing and ended up down the rabbit hole. Just when i was starting to get ahead.

    I know i'm better than this, but this has been happening now for 10 years. It feels horrible to be back at day 1.

    I really struggle to forgive myself, and to not let gambling define me, It holds me back, the shame of it all. How have others beeb able to address this?

    Thanks
    0 x
    Jo-Anne
    Senior Member
    Posts: 457
    Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:40 pm

    Re: My Story

    Sun Apr 15, 2018 11:31 pm

    Hi Puggles....sorry to hear about your week. It is so frustrating when we think we have control over our gambling urge and then something sets us off and totally devastates us again. I have managed to relapse every 6 months over the past few years myself and I totally understand how you are feeling. The thing with relapse is it doesn't last so long, because we know the pain we inflict on ourselves and/or others if we continue. The first few days are rough I know, once you get through those, you will make your plan to go forward from this. I look forward to travelling the GF road with you.......One day at a time.....then one day more.....Jo
    0 x
    puggles
    Junior Member
    Posts: 15
    Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:29 pm

    Re: My Story

    Sun Apr 29, 2018 8:31 pm

    Its been two weeks dince my last update, it feels a lot longer than that.

    The short story is I binged again this weekend, to the tune of $5800. It was money that I was owed from work and earmarked for debt paydown and some things fir my son. All gone in a three day haze.

    I jist feel like im going around in a circle. In a way i feel almost glad the money is gone as I feel like I cant gamble again.

    I had a good week, took my son away for school holidays. Handed him back to his mum on Fri arvo and then the pain started. I hate taking him back, it is a constant trigger for my binges.

    I thought i could trust myself but i cant. Ive cut up all of my ATM cards except for one, and also got a prepaid phone number to change my bank details over to so i cant use cardless withdrawal.

    I know that i will eventually feel a bit better, but its tough right now. I am contemplating going to a GA meeting tomorrow night, can anyone recommend that?

    Thanks for listening.
    0 x
    How the F did I get here
    Senior Member
    Posts: 263
    Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2018 11:05 pm

    Re: My Story

    Mon Apr 30, 2018 7:46 pm

    Hey Puggles,

    Sorry to hear you are not doung as great as you would like.
    Yes Def triggers for me also have been boredom, lonliness, I gambled when I was depressed, gambled when I was happy, but yes boredom and lonliness I hear are a lot of peoples reason for gambling.

    Seriously give the meetings a go! You have nothing to loose!

    I previously had the opinion of the meetings that;
    1 I didn't want to listen to other people's depressing stories.

    2 I didn't want to relive the nightmare of my gambling over and over again.

    3 I felt embarressed.

    I thought the best way was to just try and block the pokies and gambling out and preoccupy myself with anything and everything else.

    Well that didn't work, so this time I am taking a new approach and living and breathing pokies and gambling. Im day 10, had attended 5 meetings in 9 days, im constantly on this forum reading everyone's posts, i do the same on a fb group, Ive downloaded a couple of apps.
    Long story short Im consuming my life with gambling and pokies and it seems to be working.

    Its not something ill do long term, I plan to consume myself this way for a month until Im a bit stronger. So far in these early days it has been a very good approach for me!

    But def give the meetings a go you might be surprised, it feels good to be in a room of people who truely understand where you are at.
    ☺
    0 x

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