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  • how to take control over finances

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    emma
    Junior Member
    Posts: 7
    Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:56 am

    how to take control over finances

    Wed Apr 13, 2016 11:21 pm

    Hi there,
    I wonder how people control their partners finances to assist in managing the gambling problem? My husband and I have separate bank accounts. So he just gives me monthly money to put towards the mortgage and living expenses (which I coordinate and pay everything). Recently I found that over the last 2 years - all the other $ I thought he was saving he has gambled. Almost 100k. Sold shares and other things to assist this. I feel that I have a right to know what he is gambling each month... especially as we've just had our second bub and will need just about his entire income just to get by - not including supporting his debt and refusal to give up gambling. He says that I should just ask him - but I don't trust him as he's lied before. Is it unreasonable to get his pin numbers to look at accounts or ask for monthly statements? I dont know how to ask as he's just going to say no...

    Thanks.
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Thu Apr 14, 2016 9:19 am

    That is a tricky one..I dont think it would hurt to ask and I am pretty sure he wont react well because we gamblers like to think we are in control of our finances..express your concerns now you have 2 children...
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    Amelia
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2016 1:49 pm

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Sun Apr 24, 2016 6:09 am

    Hi Emma, my husband has a gambling problem & since I found out the extent of it 3 months ago he hasn't had a bet. Our finances had to change dramatically to support this though. We have only joint accounts so I can see all transactions & I have a separate savings account in my name only. It was the only way to rebuild trust between us. Whenever he had his own account he'd transfer money to me for bills, but he'd always be short of cash & things didn't add up. When I saw his account he spent all his money on Sportsbet & was still getting short term loans to cover other expenses. I think being open & transparent about finances is key, I offered the same to him that he could check my finances because I didn't have anything to hide from him. We were at breaking point though & he realised things needed to change, and he has changed a lot. Good luck with everything. I hope things get better for you 😊
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    Jo-Anne
    Senior Member
    Posts: 457
    Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:40 pm

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Sun Apr 24, 2016 2:37 pm

    So good to see your comment Amelia. Well done to you and your husband. If I had allowed my ex-husband to take control early in my relapse, I'm sure we would still be married today. I'm very happy for you both and even happier that you have posted such a well considered response to Emma. I would love to hear how you are both doing, if you are happy to post again at some point . :) :)
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    emma
    Junior Member
    Posts: 7
    Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:56 am

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Tue May 10, 2016 12:39 am

    Thank u for replying everyone! Your post was encouraging amelia.
    I dragged him to a counselor which was difficult... however something that was spoken about at the end is that i wouldnt be able to trust again without transparency... and he agreed in front of councelor that he would show me his statements. However that was a week ago and im the one who is going to have to bring it up and ask for them- its tiring being the nagger... it takes me a good.week to build up the courage to bring the gambling issue up in conversation. plus its something im going to ask for every month as i dont think he's ever going to voluntarily hand them over. Is it too much to just have his online bank passwords? He knows mine, even though hed prob say he's forgotten them.
    I just think if he has to be aaccountableat least he may stop... im honestly so upset and angry by it all.
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    Miette (facilitator)
    Member
    Posts: 59
    Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 11:11 am

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Tue May 10, 2016 2:03 pm

    Hi All,

    Wow Emma, sounds like a tough space to be in. Good on you for taking the step to gain support from a counsellor. It is important to remember that you are not alone in this, and that there is support out there for you, and your husband. It is lovely to see the collaboration and support on this forum as well.
    How are you going Emma? I wonder if others can relate to the anger and sadness that Emma is experiencing?
    Take care,
    Miette.
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    Jo-Anne
    Senior Member
    Posts: 457
    Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:40 pm

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Wed May 11, 2016 1:04 am

    Hi Emma......I know I sit on the other side of the fence from you but here is my experience that I hope may help. I used to make similar promises as well under pressure. It is imperative to follow through and ask for the bank statements. If I had that accountability to my ex-husband, we would still be happily married. I made promises I did not keep and continued the lies that all was well and that I was not gambling. This may not be the case with your partner, however it will certainly help him think twice about gambling if he knows you will be checking regularly.

    I wish you both well.
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    emma
    Junior Member
    Posts: 7
    Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:56 am

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Thu May 12, 2016 12:27 am

    Thanks Jo-Anne, I'm finding it both scary and hopeful reading through all these forums. I read your 100 day challenge one - congrats!!!!

    I worry that as he's in denial - it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better - especially as I really lack the confidence and assertiveness get those statements and accountability that i'll be somehow allowing it to happen. I want to be supportive and not make ultimatums etc but it feels like he's just not meeting me half way at all. I feel so sad when I imagine how he feels after each big loss, only to bet again to try and win back the loss and be unsuccessful time and time again.

    He's FIFO, his 2 weeks away he works really long hours and under a fair bit of stress I think - then his week home he generally still has a bit of work to do at home, phone calls etc so any time he has free i feel like i'm intruding his non-work relax time by bringing up gambling in conversation- but then i think thats not fair - why am I the one bending over backwards. So I wrote him an email last night - not ideal... asking for statements or access to view them. I'm sure no doubt he'll ignore it. We'll see. Otherwise i'm just going to have to ask face to face next week when he's home and perhaps re-book into the counsellor and she can ask how we progressed on the transparency.

    Anyway - I value your posts from your side of the fence! Thank you.
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    Jo-Anne
    Senior Member
    Posts: 457
    Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:40 pm

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Thu May 12, 2016 2:34 pm

    Hi Emma I read what I wrote earlier and because I get so emotional about my failed marriage, I may have sounded a little harsh. I may not have worded that quite correctly, and meant to say that it will ASSIST your partner to abstain if he knows that you were going to ask to see his statements. I was being a bit hard on him and that is not fair, given I have done exactly the same as he (many times). I sincerely hope that I did not cause any problems for you, as I would be devastated as I always try to be supportive. I think I have learned a lesson here and will leave the counselling of family members to the professionals. I think that is why you don't see many posts in this forum from we problem gamblers as we are frightened of saying the wrong thing.

    Thanks for reading my 100 Day Challenge thread, that means a lot to me. You would have seen similar struggles to your partner...... triggers and urges. The support I received from my peers has certainly been a great strength during those 100 days. It would be wonderful if your partner was able to access the same support.

    I also want to mention that I used to be FIFO as well and understand the stress of it all, and if your partner is not getting a proper break on his R&R, this is not good for either of you. There may not be anything that can be done about that, except talking about it so you are both on the same page.

    Thanks for replying Emma because it would be difficult for you to acknowledge another gambler when you are going through so much yourself. I do wish you both the very best.......Jo
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    emma
    Junior Member
    Posts: 7
    Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:56 am

    Re: how to take control over finances

    Sat May 28, 2016 12:20 am

    Hi Jo,

    Don't stress about what you wrote at all. All good. Actually I appreciate people talking tough to me as I find it really difficult to talk about to him, make excuses for him etc but am realising that I need to stand up for myself and my girls. He didn't want to come to second counselling session - so I went alone.

    She talked tough too, basically said it wasn't fair - half of any debt he has, is half my debt since we're married, so its not fair if i don't even know how much debt we are in if I have no access to his accounts. Of course its true as when i go back to work post maternity leave - my income will be supporting his credit card debt and prob allow more gambling. Its also not fair that my bank accounts, phone etc are an open book, but its not reciprocated. Totally unequal. The night after my session f2f with counselor - I told him again that i want to see all the online bank and credit card accounts he has and it was non-negotiable. I have a right to know where we stand. That was 3 nights ago and he hasn't shown me zip. He said after that id find something else to be upset about. In hindsight I wish I had got angry when he said that. Deflecting the problem onto me. Its also not fair that i'm walking on egg shells - being scared to bring up our finances or the whole gambling issue into conversation as not to stress him out but i'm pretty stressed myself and surely if you can't open up to your wife and be completely honest about things to, who can you.

    I feel like a door mat and not respected. I appreciate its an addiction and i'm reading all the posts from 100 days challenges and I totally feel for the people suffering from relapses etc and have so much respect for seeking out support and help. Surelymy hubby has 10 minutes in the day he isn't thinking about gambling and can reflect on the family unit. How can you have maxed out credit cards and still be in denial.

    Anyways - just wanted to say don't stress about any posts - you're honest with your experiences and I really appreciate it. I'm going to see this counselor again and shes a bit of a girl power rockstar.

    Em
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