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Is there a future?

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:13 pm
by Jasmine
My boyfriend of nearly 3 years struggles with gambling, I myself work in gaming & have done for years prior to meeting him. I must say whilst I see problem gambling daily & know it's not easy to stop I struggle to understand it at the same time.
I have tried all i have ever been taught over the years (being supportive & being able to discuss gambling openly, not blaming, trying to figure it out together, counselling) when none of that worked I was also honest on how his gambling effected me & us I have also tried recently saying that he is losing me as this is not how I want to live & I want a future (buy house together rather than just living in my house, get engaged, kids etc) he's 41 & I'm 36 so there's not a great deal of time left.
At the moment we live together but have our own separate finances he buys our food & I pay for my House. There are many occasions he can't afford his share of the bills or I have leant him money and he Owes me at least $1500 not to mention what he has borrowed from his family, I don't dare ask how his credit card is as I can guess the answer!
Having a case of should I stay or should I go? I love this guy but I don't know if he is ever going to get his **** together & give us a chance of a future need advice from both gamblers & family who have experienced this please

Re: Is there a future?

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2015 10:00 am
by Michelle3
Hi
I am a gambler......I want to say how I admire you for trying to help and be supportive...
I truely believe that he needs to find how to stop on his own, and that all you can do is keep finances seperate keep being supportive but not financially supportive.
My partner was not and is not supportive at all, I love her with all my heart and this is one reason I have been gambling free for 12 months.
My gambling has taken a huge toll on our relationship, we split up for 18 months after I was charged with fraud, I will also say I stole money from her account to put through poker machines.
I hate what I have done, the person I became and the amount of hurt I have caused.
Our relationship now is not great, and I think this has a lot to do with trust and the fact she believes I will hurt her again, so I guess I am facing a new battle in do I stay or go, we have been together for 23 years and for the most part it was a loving relationship with closeness and warmth.
After 2.5 years since the police knocked on the door I have a cold and distant relationship, something I am struggling with greatly everyday.
I guess my point is and I am a romantic at heart, if you love the person and they love you , it may take time and a lot of frustration but love is worth the fight. Just ensure you protect your finacial situation first.
I don't give up on anything easily ( gambling was one of these things) silly me always believes there is good in almost everyone and that there is a light at the end of every tunnel.
No one really can tell you to stay or go that is your desicision, and a tough one at that. I really hope he sees what a wonderful supportive partner he has and chooses you over a bloody machine. Good luck

Re: Is there a future?

Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2015 7:30 pm
by Noah (facilitator)
Hi Jasmine,
I'm Noah, one of the facilitators here. I know I'm not from either of the categories that you asked for responses from but I just wondered, listening to your story if you had considered individual counselling from a gambling counsellor for you (it's free and confidential) or otherwise some relationships counselling to address the impact of the gambling problem in the relationship. If you're interested, I can give you more information about both options. I know you said you tried counselling before but wasn't sure if that meant he got counselling or you did.. sometimes seeing a counsellor on your own can clarify in your own mind whether you would like to leave or stay in the relationship...
Take care!
Noah

Re: Is there a future?

Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2015 8:56 pm
by Jasmine
Thanks for your advice & I wish you well Michelle I know it's not easy to rebuild trust.
Noah I keep thinking about getting counselling & I haven't decided yet- I suppose part of my brain says to me 'if you need to get counselling to be with this guy you already know you should go' at the end of the day like Michelle said he needs to figure it out himself & I guess if he can show me that he is actually trying that's all I need but at this stage he's no different to when I met him & whilst he says he hates it he hasn't done anything about it either lately and I don't have much left to give in support as a result

Re: Is there a future?

Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:48 pm
by Michelle3
Hi Jasmine
I agree entirely with your last post ..... He really does need to try at least before you should consider counselling .... I hate myself for ever doing this .... But my partner gave me money not that she thought it was for gambling and also used to say if she finds out I'm gambling them I'm out the door.... This made me more secretive and also I think I'm a way made me think she won't get rid of me.... It wasn't till everything came crashing down that I truely realised what was important in my life and what I needed to do at least have a chance at a future with her.... I put gambling in front of everything.... I know you have spoken with your partner many times, try and make him see a life with nothing ( without you) and maybe he may see the light.... I don't want to tell you what you should do.... But don't make empty promises either ...: he will just continue with no consequences all the very best and I really hope he get help