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  • Do I stay or do I go?

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Natasha
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Sat Sep 27, 2014 1:42 pm

    Do I stay or do I go?

    Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:03 pm

    Hi,I'm the partner of a problem gambler, and I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so sick of the secrecy, debt, selfishness and manipulation. He managed to get his hands on a GE credit card 18 months ago, and used it to withdraw $13,500 in cash at an exhorbitant interest rate, it all went into the pokies. I only found out a few weeks ago, because we went to refinance the home-loan and got rejected because he has a court order against him because he defaulted when he couldn't pay it back. We now own that money, plus he can't get a car loan and his car got totalled. The insurance company paid out most of the loan he had on it, but now he can't get another car loan, so he's driving my old bomb, which won't last much longer. We have tried different tactics to stop his access to money, but if he really wants it, he'll blackmail me - eg he cut up my work shirt, threatening to cut up all the others until I gave him back his debit card. He picks fights every payday so he is "so angry he has to go to the pub" and in his mind, at that moment, it's my fault. Once he's broke he always apologises and says it will be different from now on, but I know it won't be. He says he doesn't want to lose me, and that will be the last time, but I know it won't be. He gets angry that I don't trust him, but how can I?I want to go on holidays, not worry that we can't pay bills, trust him, feel safe..... but none of that will ever happen. We have been together 8 years, and while the gambling has been a bit of a problem, flaring up over time, the last few months are the worst it's been and I don't see how it can get any better. I am so stressed every fortnight now, as despite the reassurances that he won't be going to the pub, that's what happens. I don't know what to do when he's sitting at a poker machine, putting his fortnightly wage into it. I've made a complete arse of myself on many occasions going to confront him, but he is surrounded by all the other pokie players who give him complete support. I can't settle down till I know how bad it is - not that he'd tell me the truth anyway, but at least I know if he has ANY money or not. I spend night after night unable to sleep, trying to work out how to fix the latest problem, going to work tired. If I leave him alone at the pub he keeps going till he has no more access to funds, and he won't answer the phone. I don't know what to do.I'll never trust anyone again (my 2 long term relationships have been with a pot addict and a gambling addict - both a secret for years) - so if I leave I'm likely to be alone forever. No matter which future I see for myself - alone or here - I can't see any happiness. If I leave I have to leave my home that I love, my 2 stepdaughters (I am unable to have children), and any chance of having a family unit. I'm just really, really sad. I want to have the life we could have if gambling wasn't a problem, but I guess it's just an illusion. My couple of friends I've confided in tell me to leave, and think I'm an idiot for staying, so I don't want to disclose to anyone else, coz they'll just think I'm an idiot too - I guess I am. He can be a really
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    User avatar
    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:15 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Sun Sep 28, 2014 12:49 pm

    Hi Natasha,

    Welcome to our community! It's so good to see you posting here and reaching out for support and information. Sometimes it can take a little bit of time for people to respond. From reading about your situation I was struck about how difficult it can be when the person we love, share a life and dreams with, is gambling. It sounds like it is taking a heavy toll on you, not only emotionally but also physically. I'm sure that the community here will be able to talk about their experiences.

    I'm also wondering if you'd be interested in getting some support from people who talk with partners all the time and understand the dilemmas that it can bring up such as whether to stay or go. If you are, just email me here or you can call the Gamblers Helpline on 1800 858 858 and speak to a counsellor. They can give you some direction and can even link you in with free face-to-face gambling counselling services. These services are there for you too, not just the person who gambles. They also offer free financial counselling so you can protect yourself financially.

    Take care
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    User avatar
    Noah (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 308
    Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:53 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Oct 01, 2014 2:26 pm

    Hi Natasha,

    I'm Noah one of the facilitators here... just wanting to check in with you... wondering how you're going?
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    Dave68
    Senior Member
    Posts: 320
    Joined: Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:38 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Oct 01, 2014 3:36 pm

    Hi Natasha.....Tough gig for you, and i did post this response in the other thread where you dis say many had read but nobody replied...Here is a copy of that post.

    It must be extra hard for a family situation when a partner is the gambler and is lying and obfuscating about their use and the money they are losing. I cannot really know that aspect of it, as i'm single and have been all through my gambling life, so the crap that i have put myself into has exclusively affected me alone. It would somehow need for the gambling partner to really face up to the true cost of his (or her) actions and make a concerted effort to either stay in the relationship or almost ship out if they are unable to accept that their actions are destroying the fabric of the relationship. I think there are several on here who are either the gambler in a relationship or the partner of one, perhaps putting the topic in a different forum could help as well. In any case, good luck....the fact is the longer they gamble and lose, the future is pretty much doomed anyway, so they have to make a choice one way or the other.


    As i said, being single all my the impact upon a family dependent on me has never been a factor, so i didn't think what i had experienced would be able to do much to help. But when we get down to tin tacks, the fact is that your partner is spending time and money doing something that offers nothing but pain and hurt to himself and to you. He just somehow has to really look at what he's doing and see exactly how it's hurting your family. How that can be done is tough, but maybe tough love is what's needed. I guess my situation was that i noticed that whatever money i lost in gambling resulted in me falling behind in payments, and getting phone calls from all and sundry. I had to stop, it would have bankrupted me without question. Am still in almost as much trouble now, but at least the phone calls have stopped. And most importantly, the outflow of my hard-earned money going to the rapacious jaws of those machines has stopped!


    Good luck with your circumstance, there are people here who can relate to your situation and appreciate how tough it is.
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    Jacques
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:24 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:09 pm

    Hi Natasha

    Just like you I am also sitting at a cross road with regards to my marriage. My spouses gambling addiction has come to a point were every thing feels like it is falling apart. Our relationship, finances and even our relationship with our kids are being effected by this. The empty promises and lies just never stops and to make things worse is that I blame myself for this completely.

    I am aware of her problem, but still I let her gamble believing that this time it would be different. Yet each and every time I get proved wrong. She admits to having a gambling problem and admits that she needs help, but when it come to getting the help she needs it is where it ends. Only talk but no action taken. There is days that she does keep to her promises, but then there is days that she completely looses it. The later started to happen more and more often and every time it ends in us having a fears argument. Normally when we have an argument she would spend the night at the casino and only come home when there is no monies left. Then she is normally very depressed and very sorry for what she has done promising to never let it happen again. She admits in doing wrong and understands what she did but yet is does not seem that she understands completely. I have spoken to her, got her parents involved all to try and get her the support that she needs both physically and emotionally but nothing seems to help.

    The thing is that she is a different persons at home and the casino. At home she would see the reality about the casino and admits that it is a bad place but as soon as she sets foot into the casino she looses all prospective. She would blame me for not providing enough support to her, but I really do not know what to do anymore.

    I have really come to a point in my life where I need to look after myself as well as the wellbeing of my children. The life that we are living at this moment was not meant to be. The arguments just keeps on getting worse and worse.

    I gave her an ultimatum last. She must choose. Either gambling or us her family. Sad to say that it has been 12hrs since I last heard from her. She again choose to stay at the casino last night.

    This is properly not the response that you wanted.
    All I can say is I know what you are going thru. The road ahead is a tough one, but one that needs to be taken. I can only hope and pray that my spouse would make the rite decision.

    Best of luck to you.
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    Noah (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 308
    Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:53 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Wed Oct 15, 2014 10:31 am

    Hi Jacques,

    You sound like you've been dealing with this on your own for a very long time.... could I ask, does anyone close to you know what you're going through at the moment?

    Sometimes Partners of people with gambling problems can feel so powerless and responsible all at the same time - just as your describing. In acknowledgment of this, Gambling Help Services provide free face to face counselling and financial counselling to Partners/Husbands/Wives of people with gambling problems to provide them with some emotional support and practical strategies that could make a real difference to the gambling problem in the relationship. If you live in Australia, you can call 1800 858 858 to find out more about these service.

    Your spouse may not be ready to seek help or to make changes but it sounds like you have gotten to that point... but this stuff can be very tricky to navigate without some outside support. Let me know if you have any questions and feel free to send me a private message if you prefer.

    Let me know what you think...

    Take care,

    Noah
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    kylie4
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 8:59 am

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:42 am

    I am in the same position except it is horse racing that Is the problem, along with the drinking and socialising that goes with it. I am at a point where after 10 years I am sick of the deceit from huuby. I have a bub to worry about and don't know what to do either.
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    GameChanger (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 156
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:48 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:34 pm

    Hi Kylie4,

    Thanks for posting in your first post. Although it sounds like you're wondering what to do about your gambling problem, I'm sure you'll find a lot of helpful advice and support in this community.

    It also sounds like you've reached a turning point in your history of gambling and that you're reassessing how gambling fits with what you really value, like honesty in the relationship. It might be helpful to make a list of all the things you enjoy about gambling, and also the ways gambling adversely affects your life too. This should help clarify the decision making process a little.
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    Richard6
    Senior Member
    Posts: 109
    Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:35 pm

    RE: Do I stay or do I go?

    Tue Oct 21, 2014 1:38 pm

    I would leave if I was a women.Once a gambler starts it is very hard for them to stop.

    You may think that he has stopped but more then likely it is not the case.
    Us gamblers cheat, lie and destroy people due to our addiction.
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    Michelle3
    Senior Member
    Posts: 109
    Joined: Mon Feb 03, 2014 9:02 pm

    Re: Do I stay or do I go?

    Mon Dec 29, 2014 9:01 am

    Hi Natasha
    I haven't been on here in a while but read your story and can understand how you must be feeling....
    I am a gambler who new they had a big problem, sort all kinds of counselling over many years some of which worked for a period of time some not so much.... I lied and deceived my partner for 20 years about gambling and money never about how I felt towards her.
    I stole money from my work and facing criminal charges, this happened 2 years ago.... It took a lot of self reflection and change but the biggest thing for me was to admit to myself I was the only one who can fix my problem.... I haven't gambled in over a year now.... I have new employment and am trying very hard to be the person I want to be which is truthful, honest and respectful. Yes there is times where I wantto run to the pokies but I try and keep busy and when I have this urge, I just think of how much I lost ( not money) due to my addiction.
    I lost everything and then realised what was really important to me.... Which was my partner and job... Respect from these people.
    I am awaiting sentencing.... But believe some people can change it depends on how much they want it.... I never will put gambling ahead of a relationship again...or anything else for that matter....I am paying a huge penalty for what I believed for at least the first 10 years was harmless fun. Good luck mate and I really hope you partner can see the light before it gets to the stage I am at.
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