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Posted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 10:38 pm
Hi,This is the first time I have sought help for my partners gambling but I don't know what else to do anymore. I am 24yrs old and have been with him for 6 yrs. We have a beautiful 4yr old daughter together. He has been gambling since I met him at 18 (he was 22) and I really thought I could 'fix' it. This is the first year I have worked, I had our daughter and then finished University, I am a Registered Nurse and a clever woman.
We constantly argue over money and he says he recognises he spent too much this week and that next week will be different- I have heard this a million times and he still gets upset that I don't believe him. At his worst he has spent hundreds at the pokies and left us with nothing. Now he plays online poker at home and it is $10-$400 a day.
I am a complete mess, I check the bank account online every half an hour at work and when he is on the laptop in the other room. I have tried to set a limit of $150 a fortnight so he can still have 'fun' but so that I don't have to worry all the time. But there is always the excuse of boredom or frustration or simply wanting to enjoy himself and the limit is lucky to last three days.
I have threatened to leave a million times and then he says he won't do it again and I believe him. I want this to work. I love the person he is when he isn't gambling, but I hate him when he does. Ifeel like he just forges about me and us and everything we want together (wedding, house etc). He agrees sometimes that he has a problem but I truly think he believes that next week he will be able to stop as well.
I need some help and some way to show him how much I lobe him and how much I am beginning to resent him and how much this is ruining the future for us.
Help, I'm lost and trapped.
Posted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 11:51 pm
Welcome to our community. It can be really tricky for partners to navigate this territory with their significant others. On one hand you want to offer love and support to assist them to overcome the problem and on the other hand you may start to feel angry, frustrated or betrayed and it may be difficult to behave in supportive ways when your needs are not being met and you're feeling trapped. Is this something you can relate to?
It sounds like the gambling problem in the relationship is really affecting you emotionally and financially. You might find it helpful to speak with a counsellor either online, over the phone or face to face. It may also be important to talk through how you could protect yourself financially while you and your partner are trying to figure this out together. This may make you feel at least a little less trapped and more in control and also help him feel more in control of his gambling too. You could talk about how to go about doing this through speaking to a counsellor or a gamblers help financial counsellor too...
Here are the options:
Call GH Line on 1800 858 858 24 hour telephone counselling, anonymous and confidential.
Web or email counselling https://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/login/
or free face to face counselling and financial counselling - a web counsellor or email counsellor can give you more information about this.
You have entered a very warm and supportive community here.... perhaps other members might have some words of wisdom?
Take care and keep in touch and please let me know if you have any other questions about any of the options I've raised.
Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 10:28 am
I am a gambler and have used every line your partner is using.....the thing is...he believes what he is saying...he does want to spend less on Gambling....the problem is as you know he has a addiction and that at present is trumping everything else especially your relationship. As Noah said get help, but protest your own finances....I ruined my partners finances through gambling...it doesn't mean you don't love him...just protect yourself until he is ready to get help for his problem. If nothing else....it may save you a bit of pain etc in the relationship knowing that at least there is money there...don't let it get to you have no money. He has to want to get help and change no one is going to convince him until he is ready...I know everyone is different, but I truly loved my partner and wish that her enabling stopped way before we broke up, maybe we will still have a relationship now.
You are a great person for supporting him thus far, it takes a lot to go through lies and deceit associated with gambling addiction, but again I know everyone is different, but the lies and deceipt are part of the gambling addiction and not necessarily what the gambler is truly like.
I hope things are getting better for you....take care.
Posted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 10:38 pm
Thank you for your beautifully sculpted response Michelle...how are you travelling over there ?
Posted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:15 am
I am OK thanks for asking......this is a great site...I have learned a lot by reading about everyone's experiences, partners and Gamblers. You never feel alone and with this site you ALWAYS have understanding....
Posted: Fri Feb 21, 2014 9:56 pm
Good on you Michelle I must say that I am, however, upset with the hoax and other inappropriate posts that have seemed to increase over the past couple of weeks. I do generally pick them up, but if have missed one please don't hesitate to send a private message my way (or to one of the facilitator team members...)
Awesome work Michelle, everyone