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  • Newly separated after 22 years

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Actionorientated
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2021 10:26 am

    Newly separated after 22 years

    Sat Nov 06, 2021 11:32 am

    Hi, Thankyou for all your posts. This is my first post & first time ever on a forum

    I am newly separated (4 weeks) from a problem gambler & drinker after 24 yrs together. We have 2 children aged 15 & 12.

    My husband has always gambled (& the first warning sign came early on in the relationship when we were at the races & he asked me to draw $500 out of my own account & I refused so he jumped in a cab & he refused to speak with me. I also now remember telling him on many occasions that he was aggressive when he would go out with certain mates & he would be nasty & push things over when home. At this stage I was 8 months pregnant & I remember we were in the process of building a house & I wished I could have left then.

    About 15 years ago there was a knock in the door & it was someone serving on behalf of a bookmaker. When I opened it that were asking for $50 000. At the time he sought advice from a lawyer (a contact of his friend’s dad he worked with). At the time he said he was able to get out of it as the bookie was taking bets with races he wasn’t registered for. To date I’m not sure if this is true or if someone else paid it.

    We later got married & the gambling & drinking has always sat uncomfortably with me (coming from a non gambling family). He is also very egotistical, has immersed himself with those with a lot more money & different lifestyle to him (of which he wants to be a part of) & talks down others worth & contributions including mine.

    During this time he also had shares in 2 horses (one he said was given to him, but now that seems ridiculous on its likelihood).

    Self reflection has meant that during this relationship I have pulled back from friends, doing things I enjoy & have become just the working mum who is always mindful of what I’m spending. My husband is completely the opposite, he does what he wants, when he wants & spends what ever he likes on himself.

    From a gambling & drinking perspective I have asked him to stop many times in the past. Last year on October after my mum’s passing & my dad moving to a nursing home due to dementia (which there was no support from him) I reassessed my life. I noticed our savings account (account where I wanted $10k as a minimum for a rainy day) had been emptied. I then confronted him & checked all our accounts for the first time. I saw multiple withdrawals from uni tab & finally said this was time to separate. After being asked to seek counselling he advised he did.

    Fast forward one year later, October this year, I had realised that I didn’t enjoy him spending all weekend at the bowls club, going upstairs after dinner each night with his phone watching races, his nastiness, swearing at kids, 12 alcoholic drinks a day & having to ask him if he could help out with the kids as my work situation needed.

    He also had some issues at work & he sent me a text from a coworker saying that she wanted to text me to say they nearly had an affair & he had said he had stayed at her house & fell asleep watching the foots all which was the first I had heard of it. As a result I went to check our accounts & realised our savings account with rainy day savings (important to me) was empty & I asked for copies of transactions which shows all Unitab transactions. That day I started sleeping on the couch & changed my accounts & said no more. I felt guilty for tearing the family apart & was told he would give up gambling after Melbourne Cup & Xmas parties but that his work expected him at these events. He also said he would change & when pressed about changing the year prior, responded he wasn’t ready.

    I have held strong, I have found that he has tried to redraw on our home loan & has in the past due to hardship without my knowledge. We both earn really well, so I guess this money was to cover gambling losses or pay bills. I have also seen how he is borrowing money off others & flashing the cash with expensive presents for the children. What others don’t see is the threats to physically harm me if I don’t agree to an unfair settlement (38% to me) & if I don’t give him $ from our redraw on homes.

    I am holding strong & have realised even with his life falling apart he continues to prioritise drinking & gambling each weekend including Melbourne cup, to day is my fourth week I a row where I finally feel in control of my life, my happiness & my finances
    4 x
    Lovely Cat Lady
    Moderator
    Posts: 665
    Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 9:30 am

    Re: Newly separated after 22 years

    Sun Nov 07, 2021 4:36 pm

    Hi @Actionorientated,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us!

    I'm really sorry to hear you've been going through such a difficult time and I'm sorry about your mum's passing and your dad's diagnosis and moving into a nursing home, both not easy at all situations for anyone.

    It's very normal to have seen the red flags and not have left so many years ago like you've said because you had no idea of the extent of his problematic gambling. It seems like your children are a great motivation for you and you've shown a lot of strength for you and for them.

    Would re-reaching out to friends be something you would like to do now for yourself? And have you sought financial counselling regarding the shared savings account?

    I'm going to tag a few other members that have gone through similar experiences: @CaffinatedCathy @Jimap @Yelyah @Actionorientated

    Please keep reaching out and let us know how you keep going.
    0 x
    Jimap
    Member
    Posts: 70
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: Newly separated after 22 years

    Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:57 pm

    Hi @Actionorientated I am truly sorry this has happened to you and you have had to make some very difficult decisions for you and your children. You are brave and show such strength in a situation that sounds dysfunctional and when you write he has threatened physical harm it potentially could be unsafe. Please seek support for your safety, even if he is only threatening and hasn’t acted on these threats. You deserve to feel safe.
    When I made the decision to leave my relationship I sought good legal advice about my property settlement and children. Please don’t be pressured into signing any agreement he wants. It is best to seek legal advice and make the solicitor aware of his addiction. You can both still have a fair property settlement however it sounds like he is only motivated by money so won’t want you seeking advice from a solicitor. My ex was the same. I ended up with a 62/38 split..62 going to me..not that there was much left but I feel it ended up being fair for both of us.
    The way you describe his addiction sounds scary with the amount of money he is spending and the drinking that comes with it.
    I know I felt a lot of guilt leaving mainly for my children but also worry for him even though he caused the issues. I have accepted this is normal and is grief from losing my relationship.
    It sounds like you have done all you can to help this man and you now need to put yourself and your children first. Your children will see over time what their father is like. He can buy them expensive presents if he likes but at some point kids see through this.
    If you like podcasts have a listen to Love over Addiction you might find this helpful in understanding addiction. If you can seek support for your emotional health it will help keep you strong while you go through such a terrible time in your life. I saw a psychologist for 12 mths and it was very helpful.
    Again stay strong..you have made the right decision given he sounds like he has had multiple chances and has done nothing to deal with his addictions. I feel for you, it’s hard but this is not your fault.
    Stay safe and stay in contact..❤️
    1 x
    Resilient
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2021 8:13 am

    Re: Newly separated after 22 years

    Mon Nov 08, 2021 10:40 am

    Thanks!

    Yes I have spoken to a solicitor, my accounts are now separated & I am now looking to find alternative accommodation (we have 3 houses - 2 rented). Hopefully today I’ll hear we can move into the apartment. Through the solicitor we agreed to go halves in the redraw on the loans. I had found out only 2 weeks ago whilst trawling through transactions that he had managed to access our redraw through saying hardship (supposed to have 2 signatures) & over the next 3 days he tried to draw $35 k out. I have now advised the bank I wish to be reimbursed for this. Everyday he was bugging me for his share, like he had no money but at the same time managed to get tattoos done, get his car pimped, bought lunches for many & set up a tinder account. He has been moving money to another account.,, unsure if he stashed it or used it…
    2 x
    Jimap
    Member
    Posts: 70
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: Newly separated after 22 years

    Mon Nov 08, 2021 3:16 pm

    Hi @Resilient..I don’t know how they manage to access so much money sometimes..I am sure my ex had other accounts I didn’t know about. I am glad that you will have somewhere to go and you have sought legal advice and have your own account.
    It must be difficult knowing he has already set up a tinder account. This is no reflection on you..he sounds like he has many addictions and maybe this is a way for him to make himself feel better. It would still hurt though given you were together so long. That was one of the hardest things for me to accept.. the moving on so quickly and feeling discarded…
    Stay strong…❤️
    0 x
    AGHS
    Member
    Posts: 64
    Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2017 10:43 am

    Re: Newly separated after 22 years

    Thu Nov 25, 2021 12:40 pm

    WOW... I really feel so so sorry for you. Not your fault but you are carrying all of the burden. Move on, you deserve it, show him you can be happy and live a meaningful and fulfilling life without him and his issues. Be strong, fill your dreams, don't worry, karma will come back to get him. Just be aware when he does fall in a heap he will more than likely reach out to you by default and it will happen........this is your time to enjoy and be the master of your life, you deserve it after everything you have been through. You have developed may traits in your journey, resilience, compassion, care, use these for you, heal yourself. I really hope that you find happiness and love that you so obviously deserve.
    2 x

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