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Feeling Resentful (wife and mum)

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 12:31 pm
by Devo
Hi anyone that wants to hear my story. My husband has relapsed this year when our first born turned 16 months. After being free from it for 5 years maybe a couple of minor relapses. But this one was the biggest relapse. He opened up a hidden account and was transferring money out of our joint account into it. I didn’t notice initially. I’ve been with my husband forever. Married almost 3 years. I’m mostly annoyed at this point. He makes me feel guilty when I buy some new clothes for like $200 for the month but in that month he would have spent $4000! So to make it fair I think I should get to blow $3800 on clothes or whatever I want... obviously I won’t because we need to save for our child our future a future house I hope one day. But I’m so annoyed and resentful. Is it too much to ask for that future? He earns more than me but does that mean he should get to spend more than me. Heck no! I am a full time mother who has sacrificed so much! And if he was mostly the stay at home parent I’d be earning more. Just annoys me. I’m all about fairness. I’m grateful my situation is no where near as bad as others on here. Luckily he earns enough and we are debt free. But I want a debt a normal mortgage debt but we can’t even save up enough for a home loan 🤦🏼‍♀️

Re: Feeling Resentful (wife and mum)

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:08 pm
by Jimap
Hi @Devo Sorry to hear you are going through this. I lived with my ex partners addiction for 15 years. Recently we separated, we both of have good jobs and like you I am all about fairness… why should he spend $1800 a week on gambling and then get annoyed at me for spending $300 a week on food for family of 5..it doesn’t make sense. I have begun to realise nothing makes sense when it comes to someone with an addiction. The lying, the sneaky accounts and credit card debt, never getting ahead for a second home or upgrade of our family home as your bank statements are filled with sports bet transactions..it’s also the emotional distance in the relationship that is cruel. Not being there for someone emotionally as they are so caught up in betting, watching the form guides, watching the races or trying to find ways to get more money and hide it from you. I can only strongly encourage you to seek help, maybe a counsellor who understands addiction to help you understand what this disease is. I also thought he would just stop, learn his lesson, realise how it was upsetting me…he never did. He just spent more and more money and denied he has a problem. Get yourself some financial advice and really think about whether you want to go into a mortgage together..it’s a massive financial commitment. My ex is a beautiful man he just has a terrible disease. I know your situation may not be as bad as others but it’s still a break of trust, honesty and commitment in a relationship. I found some good podcasts.. ‘love over addiction’ and although you aren’t single there is a great story from a lady about her marriage to a man with a gambling addiction. It’s called ‘single mothers survival guide’.
Take care.

Re: Feeling Resentful (wife and mum)

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:09 pm
by Damaged_Armour
Ill start by saying nothing excuses spending 4k a month on the punt, way over the top....but Gee this guy sounds a lot like me...unfortunately I have the same mentality. Although partially justified from my pov, that is if I'm earning 3-4 times as much as my missus, you ain't gonna tell me what the crack is, and I've had this conversation with her, but at the same time I come forward and admit when iv overdone it (more than a few hundred a week).

When I wanted to tackle my habit head on, one of the things I did was get a joint account with my missus so there was transparency, so my evil twin had less room to play with. It didn't stop me gambling, but it was a hurdle that was in the way if I wanted to.

Sounds like there's a good income there, get a deposit together and buy an investment property, when there's financial obligations it can make people think twice about pissing money up the wall.

Re: Feeling Resentful (wife and mum)

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 5:32 pm
by Printemps
@Devo I can hear how frustrating it must be, especially when your partner get's annoyed with your spending on family necessities. @Damaged_Armour and @Jimap both have some good advice there! I'd also recommend that you give Gambler's Helpline a call on 1800 858 858. Thy offer free 24?7 telephone counselling to people who are concerned about their own or someone else's gambling. They can also refer you onto services in your area.

Remember we're also here to support you. :);

Re: Feeling Resentful (wife and mum)

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 10:52 pm
by Anita44
Hi Devo I am addicted with pokies, gamble addition are evil , the way we think are different, we rather spend all our hard earn money in the pokies machine than spend on self care or spend on our family .
You are not wrong at all, don't be too hard on yourself, he the one needed help and only him can stop that.
Maybe you can advice him that he should needed help now and have a better life for the future.
I only been here last 42 day and I been gamble free, my life change I start paid off a few big bill, my stress level are 0, treat my family stay at Hilton, and getaway to stradbroke for the weekend, a day out shopping with my girlfriend, which I have not done thing like that for such a long time. I love my partner so much and I don't want loose him and my own business either. I was very lucky that I have very supportive partner and I won't let him down.
We are human we all make mistakes in life, when we fall it's just nice to have someone special to pull us up and get back to right track.
What I try to say is if he not addicted to gamble I'm sure he will treat you like a queen and I am sure he will spend his hard earn money with you, cos I am a mother too and I know what it feel like been their before.
I hope he let you in charge of his bank account until he can beat this evil demon.