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  • The Cycle of Deceit

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Joan
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:37 am

    The Cycle of Deceit

    Fri Mar 12, 2021 6:07 pm

    Hi all,

    This is my interpretation of being caught up in the gambling cycle of a loved one. I'm sure some, if not all friends and family of CG can relate to this on a week-by-week basis.
    I've written this piece by directing it to my partner whom I've been with for 9 years now.


    You create a dramatic sympathy-provoking situation after you fail to keep your word to make repayments or when your disappearances and periods of unreachability has bound to leave me feeling angered, hurt and/or frustrated. You adopt a "poor-me" attitude, love to play the blame game and manipulate me in giving in to your sob stories so that I can soften and forget why I was mad at you in the first place.

    You become irritable, childish and demanding when you don't get what you want (money) or when something interferes with getting what you want (money to gamble). You are totally unrecognisable during this period of the cycle, to the point where i wonder where you've gone.

    Like a flip of a switch, you become kind, calm and pleading once you've blown your week's wages and are in desperate need of money again. Being flat broke makes you dish out words of affection to further evoke sympathy and understanding in order for me to help you get by for the rest of the week.
    Promises to repay are made, loved ones are sworn upon and so, regrettably, money is lent.

    The week of borrowing has come and gone. Pay day has again arrived. Excuses are sometimes set early during the day to act as a perfect cover up for the night ahead.
    Phone calls are missed. Text messages are ignored. Feelings of betrayal and self-hate sky rocket. Tears are shed, food is untouched. The need to distance myself as far away as possible becomes unbearable. Every excuse given so far is scrutinised and calculated. My suspicions about his true whereabouts rise along with my gut.

    Promises that were made earlier in the week have been forgotten. Intentions to fulfil those promises are suddenly not so important anymore. Because cash has arrived and the more for yourself, the merrier you'll be.

    Feelings of thankfulness and appreciation for having lent you money for food, fuel & cigarettes during the week no longer exists. Exploitation sets in and the cycle ends only to restart and repeat itself every.single.*****.week.
    5 x
    the_penguin
    Moderator
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:16 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Sat Mar 13, 2021 2:47 pm

    That's an incredibly powerful piece you've written there.

    I can really feel your anguish, and I'm sure many others can relate to your situation.
    1 x
    LizzieC
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2021 11:21 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Mon Mar 22, 2021 11:27 pm

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you. This has been the same feeling that I have had watching my sister's life completely fall apart over the last 12 years from gambling and alcohol addictions.

    I can't stand the lies, even the smallest ones like I am heading to the store to buy groceries and then she is gone for over a day. It makes it frustrating because you don't know if they're safe or what they are up to. Makes my stomach knot just thinking about it.
    0 x
    HiddenDragon139
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:59 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Sun Mar 28, 2021 5:02 pm

    As a cumpulsive gambler ur post brought tears to my eyes! I feel so confronted and ur partners not alone I’m in this cycle myself and to be honest I’m done I’m ready to end it all!
    1 x
    Hello3 [facilitator]
    Community Manager
    Posts: 129
    Joined: Thu May 21, 2020 8:49 am

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Mon Mar 29, 2021 8:45 am

    Hi @HiddenDragon139 thanks for your post. I'm just checking in with you to see if you're okay? If you need some support our Counsellors are available 24/7 for a chat - see here --> https://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/t ... ep-forward
    0 x
    Jimap
    Member
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Thu Apr 01, 2021 4:21 pm

    Hi Joan,

    Your story sounds like my story was for over 13 years. I recently left my 15 year relationship due to the gambling. It was beginning to cause me serious emotional and physical health problems. We are coparenting amicably and even though the last few years there was a lot of anger and resentment from me I have now been able to find compassion towards my ex partner. I miss him terribly but I don't miss the gambling and how is has destroyed our family..it feels like someone has died the grief has been so bad. Since leaving I found I have reached out more and really begun to work on myself. I realise I can't change him but I ended up having to change myself to get out of the cycle. There is a podcast 'Love over Addiction' that really opened my eyes to see I was enabling a lot of his gambling. I didn't even realise how I was playing a part in the cycle. I actually had become addicted to his addiction. I have also learnt I do have co-dependent traits and this is something that I am learning more about and reflecting on how this impacted my relationship. Spend time doing things that make you happy. Take care...
    1 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Moderator
    Posts: 635
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:31 am

    Hi @Joan
    Thankyou for sharing that piece. You can really feel the pain and hurt that you have experienced. Its difficult being in that cycle with a loved one.

    How have things been going since you last shared with us?
    0 x
    Joan
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:37 am

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:30 pm

    Hi @LizzieC, so sad to hear about your sister. Im familiar with that sickening feeling during their disappearances, not knowing whether theyre locked up, lying in a ditch somewhere or worse! Best wishes to you both, take care if yourself.

    Wow @HiddenDragon139, I didn't know my piece of writing could have produced such an emotional response. You can do it! I wish you all the very best, take each day as it comes.

    Thank you @Jimap for suggesting that podcast i will definitely give it a go. And also thanks for your advice on remembering to take care of myself. Because to be honest all my time and energy has been spent researching and educating myself on the addiction and the services available. Ive been so absorbed in downloading and printing self-help booklets for him to try fill out that i can't think of the last time I've done something for me. Ive even lost touch with my girlfriends. Your helpful post has made me realise just how deep ive buried myself in my own shell.
    0 x
    Joan
    Junior Member
    Posts: 12
    Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:37 am

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Fri Apr 16, 2021 11:45 pm

    Thank you for reaching out @Calvin (facilitator).

    Since my last post, things have started to improve with my CG partner. I told him that things had to change if we wanted to live a stable and comfortable future together. I asked him what I could do to help him quit gambling, perhaps there were certain things I said or did that influenced him in any way (such as trying not to be on his back so much and calling every so often, even though I couldn't really help it).
    I suggested if he was willing to give up his access to his money by handing over his bank cards and internet banking details over to me so that I could pay his rent, bills, loans etc.
    Ive suggested this many times over the past 10 months, I wasn't forceful in any way I just simply told him that I was happy to do it until he felt confident enough to handle it himself.

    He finally agreed and its become the best thing for both of us. So for the past 4 weeks, ive had full access to both of his accounts, where I make sure necessities are covered first before transferring gradual amounts of his spending money throughout the week. He has restarted the 100 challenge and so far (well to my knowledge anyway) he is 30 days gamble free. He hasn't gone on his infamous disappearing acts and the communication between us has improved.
    So yes things have been going smoothly. I hope I dont seem fussy or unappreciative but things are going a little too smoothly, to the point where I'm starting to stress about it all being a charade so that im under the impression that all is good and well.

    Because at the end of the day, how can an 18 year long gambler be so non-chalant about this new non-gambling lifestyle? Im fearful that he's found some other avenue to gamble, something that he hasnt used before that I haven't picked up on? I understand that relapses are normal so why is he making it seem as if willpower alone is strong enough not to give into the triggers and urges? Am I simply overthinking things?

    The loss of trust and betrayal have made it hard for me to differentiate the truth from a lie. At the back of my mind, I always have that voice warning me not to be so gullible and to always be weary since I have been told countless times before that he hadnt experienced any strong urges or that he hasn't gone to a venue or even logged into his online casino account. All those times I was constantly reassured, turns out he was lying and gambling his week's earnings the entire time.

    Anyway, my apologies for the long rant but in answer to your question, things are looking much brighter than before but I just can't seem to let go of all the doubt and suspicion.
    1 x
    TheTiges
    Moderator
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 4:32 pm

    Re: The Cycle of Deceit

    Sat Apr 17, 2021 12:25 am

    Hi @Joan great to hear that things have improved, and please don't apologise, that's what we are here for. Take care and all the best. Please keep using this space for support. There is also Gamblers Helpline 1800 858 858 for you and him to call for counselling if you need. :-)
    0 x

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