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How to feel better

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:15 am
by Yelyah
Hi everyone,

Ok so the cats out of the bag, he has admitted his problem to myself and his family.
But, the trust in our relationship is already gone.
What can he do to help save our relationship at this stage?
He is open to whatever needs to be done but I’m not sure what that is!?
What plans have you guys put in place to get through this?
With the extra challenge of him owning his own business. Lots of money goes in and out, it would be impossible for me to keep a track on it.

Many thanks,

Hayley

Re: How to feel better

Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 3:22 pm
by JB-nsw
Hey @Yelyah , or Hayley (clever username by the way), don't forget to ask yourself too about what you need from him in order to restore trust. It could go beyond just not gambling. Forgiving is not forgetting, and I don't think trust is a quick fix, as you establish trust over time so it needs to be rebuilt over time, through lots of gestures.

Relationships are two ways, so don't forget about yourself and what your needs are, or also what responsibilities you have yourself to help restore relationship trust. For example, even if he doesn't ever gamble again you may find down the track you need a way in yourself to move past resentment for previous actions. Thats merely an example, not saying that will happen.

For the financials, how to control spending etc, I hope someone can offer advice on this one for you.

Take care, reaching out for advice shows me you have strong intentions of working through this with him and have some hope that trust can be restored.

Re: How to feel better

Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 1:37 pm
by pricey1981
Yelyah wrote:
Mon Dec 28, 2020 11:15 am
Hi everyone,

Ok so the cats out of the bag, he has admitted his problem to myself and his family.
But, the trust in our relationship is already gone.
What can he do to help save our relationship at this stage?
He is open to whatever needs to be done but I’m not sure what that is!?
What plans have you guys put in place to get through this?
With the extra challenge of him owning his own business. Lots of money goes in and out, it would be impossible for me to keep a track on it.

Many thanks,

Hayley
Hi Hayley
First thing is step 1 has been achieved. He has admitted his addiction not only to you but his family. This is great.
You have said the trust is gone, it's extremely hard to get this back speaking from experience but there are two things that have to occur for this to have a chance....
1) You need to forgive but not forget and 2) He needs to prove to you he is being honest with you and stay gamble free.
This is going to take time but if you both want to be together its definitely achievable.
It will be impossible to keep tabs on the finances in your situation but there will always be signs whether he is gambling again.
Be open with each other about what you need from each other, especially early days as this will be hard on both of you so you will need to be there for each other.
I did this with my wife and stayed the course but very early she decided that she could never trust me again and the damage was already done amongst other things.
You need to want to give him another chance if this is what you really want, if you are not sure if you can forgive him then it wont work. Just my opinion
I hope this advice helps in anyway

Re: How to feel better

Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 4:22 pm
by Dockers6 (facilitator)
Thanks for sharing Pricey1981, your thoughts are valued, and I can see will be very helpful.

Dockers6