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  • It is so hard

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Yelyah
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:23 pm

    It is so hard

    Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:37 pm

    Hi everyone,

    My BF of 5 years admitted his gambling addiction to me 6 months ago. I had my suspicions over the years but didn’t want to believe it I guess. He only came clean because I had caught him out. Not because he wanted to. He admitted that he has been playing the pokies almost every day for 15+ years now.
    Since then he has ‘self excluded’ himself from all the pubs and clubs in our local area under my request. I was under the impression that he had not gambled since then. Yesterday he has told me that he gambled last week. I am so shocked and hurt. I want to scream and cry but then I don’t want him to feel like he can’t be honest with me in the future. It’s so freaking hard. He also came clean with his parents recently which has been a huge relief as now I have some more support but everything is so real now. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He is the most amazing person and our relationship with this put aside is incredible. But the more he opens up about it the more I hate that side of him. It is really confronting. Thank you for giving me this space. Many thanks
    0 x
    the_penguin
    Moderator
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:16 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:59 pm

    So sorry to hear about your struggles @Yelyah

    You need as much support as you can get during these times. You will always be welcome here.
    Feel free to reach out whenever you need to.
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    Yelyah
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:23 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Sat Dec 19, 2020 10:10 pm

    @the_penguin thank you very much for being there and for understanding.

    I have had to put up with a lot of addiction within my family. It is very hard to deal with this after thinking for so long that he was my rock in this crazy world.

    This intense thing happens when he is honest about his gambling... in my eyes I don’t recognise him in the moment. He turns into this dark/evil figure right in front of my eyes. It’s like I can see the dark side of him. It’s terrifying.

    The other really concerning thing for me is that I can fully see that he over compensates with me. He goes above and beyond for me every single day. Treats me like a princess. I can tell that he is trying to make up for what he is doing wrong. But I love the attention and support so much. I badly need it in my life after what I have been through. But I can see that this treatment is actually hindering me as I’m getting used to it. But it’s not real.

    Thank you again for letting me vent.
    0 x
    JB-nsw
    Member
    Posts: 71
    Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:03 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 am

    @Yelyah i am sorry to read how you feel. I can understand how you feel that your bf is overcompensating and treating you like a princess to apologise or make up for gambling.

    For me, my girlfriend (became fiance) was one reason i didn't want to go, and made me somewhat accountable. I would feel horrible when I went, and double guilt for myself and guilty for letting her down. I wouldn't compensate or try and make it up to her because she wouldn't know the extent of my losses, I would just put on a fake face and pretend it didn't happen or that I didn't lose much. Fake happiness I guess.

    But any present, careness or love only came fro genuine feelings, not guilt or obligation. Nothing to do with my gambling, but my honest love for her.

    I am no longer with her, and found we broke up (not gambling reasons) that she was a big barrier to me gambling... I went off the rails when she left, which has taught me now that I need to change within myself for my own reasons, barriers like that only work when the barrier is there. Not her fault at all.

    Everyone is different, but I really hope for you in your situation that he is like I was and how he treats you is actually genuine and not a by product of guilt.
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    Yelyah
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:23 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:42 am

    @JB-nsw thank you very much for sharing you story. That definitely does make me feel better.

    He is seriously the most giving/caring/thoughtful person that I know. If only he understood that the one thing any of his loved ones actually want from him is too see him happy and free from this.

    Thanks again
    0 x
    the_penguin
    Moderator
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Sat Nov 14, 2020 12:16 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:24 pm

    Hi @Yelyah

    It's been a while since we connected here.... how are things going? You're always welcome here, even if it's just to vent. Every little bit helps! :);
    0 x
    Yelyah
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:23 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Tue Feb 09, 2021 11:02 am

    Hi there,

    Thanks so much for reaching out.

    I am struggling big time with the decision on wether to leave or not.

    But my body is basically forcing me out. There is hardly any attraction anymore, I am doubting EVERYTHING. I don’t believe a word that he says and everything is triggering me.

    He has started seeing a counsellor who I am also going to see in a couple of days. But I just don’t think that we can come back from this. Somehow we would need to get the trust and attraction back.

    I have basically already left in my mind. I know for sure that I need to atleast move out for a while but that is so much easier to say than to actually do.

    I want the life that we have right at our fingertips SO MUCH. I just can not commit to someone that I can’t trust or rely on.

    He says that he is trying and doing everything that he can but the most frustrating part is that everything that he has done so far has been what I have asked him to do. Not what he actually wants to do himself. It feels like I have a child.

    There is my rant.

    Many thanks
    0 x
    Wenna (facilitator)
    Moderator
    Posts: 68
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:02 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Tue Feb 09, 2021 4:50 pm

    Hi @Yelyah ,

    It sounds like a particularly challenging time for you at the moment and a rant sometimes can help ease a bit of the frustration/tension.

    What are you doing for self care atm? Its important you look after yourself.

    Warm Regards
    Wenna
    Moderator
    0 x
    Yelyah
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2020 7:23 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Tue Feb 09, 2021 5:29 pm

    Hi Wenna,

    Thank you.

    I am also really struggling with a full time, busy and stressful job so both my work and home life are in complete turmoil.

    But just recently, enough was enough and I needed a break so I’m currently on leave, am giving my self lots of love and well needed rest. It is amazing.

    Apart from that, when I’m working, I have baths, meditate, read etc for my self care. I also have a counsellor who I haven’t seen for a while but will go back to see soon.

    I just can’t live in this world of uncertainty anymore. I am on the edge of breaking.

    Why can’t he just sort his **** out. Devastating.

    Thank you
    0 x
    HelpfulBee
    Moderator
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Mon Jul 22, 2019 6:15 pm

    Re: It is so hard

    Thu Feb 11, 2021 2:22 pm

    Hey @Yelyah ,

    Goodness! It sounds like you're going through a bit right now, it sounds quite stressful and overwhelming.

    I love that you're doing things to look after you and that you're listening to your internal cues and taking the break you need.

    It also sounds like you've got lots of self-care strategies, which is wonderful!

    Have you been able to schedule a time to see your counsellor?

    Please continue to vent whenever you need! :);

    -HelpfulBee
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