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What can I do now?

Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 11:19 am
by Peace Lily
Hi everyone, I guess I’m here because I am lost, I have no one else to talk to and I need some help.
My boyfriend of 10 years has what I consider a bad gambling problem. I am at a point right now where I don’t know what to do anymore, I have fallen into a deep depression myself and wonder how I can help him, his children, and now myself.

I had never been around gambling until I met him, so I guess I don’t realise the extent of what was happening for a long time. When we met he was separated from the mother of his children, his car was repossessed and his house was sold by the bank for not making repayments, he blamed this all on his ex and I naively fell for it. He never had any money, his house had no food and I was paying for everything from the get go, which I guess I did as I felt he had been going through a rough time because of his ex.

On my way home from work everyday I had to drive past the local pub, his car was always parked out the back, he would come home hours later telling me he had to work late. I said nothing. Then I found tab tickets in his work pocket, average spending $600 a day on the horses. I still said nothing.

Christmas comes and goes and every year i buy everything for his 3 kids, because apparently his ex takes all his money in child support.

Fast forward we rent a house, one week I am to pay rent/him the next, real estate turns up whilst he is not home to give us an eviction notice, we are 8 weeks behind and he had been telling the real estate he would fix it up soon and they had had enough. I tried to sort it out with them as I didn’t want to move, They offered me to stay on alone, but i couldn’t afford to, I had to rent a house in my name only as they black listed him, move to new house, he isn’t on lease, I pay all the rent every week and all the bills.

One day I snapped and confronted him on his gambling, he flew into a fit of rage and started calling me demeaning names and hit me. He left, I took him back.

Long story short, he is a business partner, he steals from his company to gamble and lies to accounting and his business partner, he spends all his pay on pay day on the horses and then borrows money from his mum everyday till next pay day. He did a cash job for $30k recently and lied to me about it and gambled the lot, he is never off his betting app on his phone and tries to hide it from me when I am in the room.

Recently for Melbourne Cup his betting provider and personal account manager for the betting company sent him a massive hamper of alcohol etc, he lied to me and said he must have been randomly selected. He denies he has an account manager but they send him messages all the time with deposit matches and bonus bets, I know this because when he got a message he asked me who it was, I read the message out and he laughed and said it must be a random one they send to everyone.

He made me leave my job to work for him so he knows how much I get paid, now he borrows money off me every week and rarely pays it back.

We had an argument recently and I tried to talk to him about it all, he pointed to the door and told me to leave or shut my mouth, putting it politely.

My children have grown up and left home, we have his children regularly and I am worried for them.

His moods are constantly changing yet he will not admit to anything, worse thing is he lies to me and everyone all the time about anything even trivial things and everyone is none the wiser as he presents well.

Sorry to go on, there is so much and I really need an outlet, I no longer have friends as he just gets mad and says people will poison me against him.

In the last 8 weeks he has borrowed over $20k from his mum as well as getting paid weekly, cash jobs at work, a directors payment weekly Of $1000 on top of his wage and money from me. I feel like it is spinning out of control.

I recently watched the show addicted australia with him to see if this could gently prompt him to seek help, nope no reaction other than him calling people pathetic and laughing.

He is 44 now and I am 38 and I just don’t know if he wants to change......... Is it possible he is happy with his life as is and seriously does not think he needs help? I don’t know if I should leave or if I should keep trying to help him............... What hurts the most is he treats me like I’m stupid, he obviously believes he has tricked me and I fall for all his lies, I feel like a fool.

Re: What can I do now?

Posted: Sun Dec 06, 2020 11:22 pm
by Bluetack2
You’re an extremely strong woman! It sounds like a very complex situation. Most importantly, make sure you’re safe and put your interests first as hard as that may be. So much respect for you tirelessly trying to help your partner, but as so many of us can attest to on here, nothing will change unless the person in question is willing to accept help.

Professional help would be best - maybe give the gambling helpline a call or start a written chat with a counsellor through this website to discuss more strategies - but look after your own welfare too 🙂 best of luck

Re: What can I do now?

Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2020 4:21 pm
by the_penguin
Hi @Peace Lily

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. And I have to agree with @Bluetack2 on the subject of professional help. It would be great if you spoke with the Gambler's Helpline, and also 1800RESPECT. It sounds a lot like what could be classified as domestic violence, as emotional abuse falls under that category.

Please stay in contact with us on the forums and know that you are amongst friends here.

Re: What can I do now?

Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2020 4:33 pm
What can YOU do now???? Peace Lily said you are in a DV situation and his children are being exposed to it also. You should also consider a CARL report relating to the children, they should not have to experience or witness their father treating you as he does just so as he can satisfy his gambling needs and as their father he has a responsibility to provide for them. From reading your story it appears your partner has many enablers around need to seriously seek some professional help before you get really hurt. There is an abundance of research that shows DV and gambling harm go hand in hand...things WILL get worse. He will not stop gambling until he realises he has a problem and seeks help, he will need to hit absolute rock bottom and I would be really concerned for your safety and wellbeing when he does get that will happen, just a matter of when. It is not your responsibility to support his gambling problem.

Re: What can I do now?

Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2020 3:02 pm
by pricey1981
@Peace Lily I'm really sorry you are going through this.
The bit that struck me was the child support stuff and i used that as an excuse when i was at my worst. Yes i paid a lot but i used it as an out when there was money missing from my pay, i would say they took extra etc.
To say you are strong and have endured a lot is an understatement. In the end you have 2 choices, you decide you want to stay with him and he accepts his addiction and tries to fix it with you or he won't change and you walk away. It's extremely tough to think about i know but you deserve to be happy and have a good life and not be going through this,