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  • How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Dolphin
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:05 pm

    How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:41 pm

    How do I begin the conversation with my partner? I need help.

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 years. From the beginning, he always gambled and I guess I was young and naive to understand the toll gambling can have.

    Very early on, he would ask me for money. I never questioned why I was lending him money as he would always payback within the week. Now I can only assume it was to fuel his gambling addiction. At the time, I voiced my concerns about gambling and it appeared he has stopped or limited his risky behaviour.

    I have recently become aware of his new (or possibly always) gambling habits. He now secretly uses his phone in front of me. I have noticed multiple betting apps downloaded and I am afraid his friends are encouraging each other to do so as it is all they talk about.

    I don't know if he is aware of his habits and the toll it is now playing on me and I am afraid our relationship. We have planned to purchase our first home together with some point next year. However, it has caused unpleasant feelings as I am now questioning what our financial life would look like together.

    We do not live together and his money is his money - but I do want him to make smart decisions for his and the sake of our relationship!

    I wonder if my feelings towards gambling are blocking him from feeling open about what he is doing or possibly seeking help?

    Any advice, suggestions, comments or resources would be appreciated.

    Thank you!
    2 x
    pricey1981
    Member
    Posts: 32
    Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2020 8:15 am

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Sat Oct 03, 2020 2:12 pm

    Hey Dolphin
    You need to just be honest and tell him how you feel in regards to the gambling.
    This is probably a conversation that needs to be had if you are looking into purchasing a house together, im talking from experience with this as i was in the same position as yourself however i was/am the gambler and i put my partner in the exact position you could possibly be walking into.
    I don't think your feelings would be blocking him from opening up, i would say its guilt or unfortunately possibly not caring. For me it was always guilt.
    If he loves you he will hear you out.
    Its hard giving out advice as an addict cause my experiences could be different to others and i can only tell you how i would react or deal with things from my own experiences.
    Maybe you could ask him to go and see a counsellor together and talk about it?
    3 x
    Dolphin
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:05 pm

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Sat Oct 03, 2020 2:48 pm

    Thank you for the advice @pricey1981

    You're correct, the conversation needs to happen.

    I will keep you posted.

    Thank you again for reaching out.

    All the best.
    3 x
    Johnd
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:13 am

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Sun Oct 04, 2020 9:02 am

    I am much older and have gambled for many years, my wife never new how much I would gamble, the bills were paid and with her work there was always money for a bet, if I was honest with myself, my wife is responsible for the good financial position we are now in but my gambling has and continues to put enormous pressure on our relationship. I not only hide money but I like to put money away for a big night out, have the conversation now, I now what my gambling has done to my marriage.
    2 x
    Dolphin
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2020 12:05 pm

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:46 am

    Hi @Johnd and thank you for your reply.

    It has been great to receive instant support on this forum.

    We had a brief discussion about the matter. I didn't want to have a heavy conversation first. My plan is to slowly ease into it.

    It would be great if I could get him to go through his bank accounts and add up how much money he is actually spending. The problem with online betting, it doesn't seem like you're spending "real" money. From here, I am hoping to support him to set new goals. For example, spending x each month.

    Thanks once again.
    1 x
    pricey1981
    Member
    Posts: 32
    Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2020 8:15 am

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Tue Oct 06, 2020 4:07 pm

    Dolphin wrote:
    Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:46 am
    Hi @Johnd and thank you for your reply.

    It has been great to receive instant support on this forum.

    We had a brief discussion about the matter. I didn't want to have a heavy conversation first. My plan is to slowly ease into it.

    It would be great if I could get him to go through his bank accounts and add up how much money he is actually spending. The problem with online betting, it doesn't seem like you're spending "real" money. From here, I am hoping to support him to set new goals. For example, spending x each month.

    Thanks once again.
    Hey at least he had the discussion, thats a little win right there to hopefully get the ball rolling.
    That's a good idea, when you add it all up it can be a wake up call for a lot of people.
    1 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Moderator
    Posts: 635
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Mon Nov 16, 2020 11:40 am

    Hey @Dolphin How have you been going? :) Haven't heard from you in a while
    0 x
    mystmo
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2020 1:13 pm

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Mon Nov 16, 2020 2:46 pm

    I have just had the conversation with my parents I feel awful, I have hidden my gambling from them. I know its purely my fault but I guess its on the road to a better place. I have never felt so disconnected from a place, part of my core that I gamble ~ escapism . I understand now how coin edge this is between good and bad. I do feel in the future I want to help people with the same affliction. life should be about discovery and experience not a sense of self worth. i feel a bit like a sheep but I will work on the person I am

    hope things work out for all
    1 x
    Calvin (facilitator)
    Moderator
    Posts: 635
    Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:01 pm

    Re: How to begin the fearful conversation? My partner needs help.

    Mon Nov 16, 2020 3:31 pm

    hi @mystmo
    Welcome to the forums! Good on you for reaching out.
    It can be stressful to open up to family and/or friends about a gambling issue and takes a lot of strength to do so.
    You will find that others on the forum may have similar experiences to yourself. Using gambling as an escape tool is very common. Try to think of other ways to distract yourself especially when the temptation and urge is high.
    Also I would suggest you post in our 'Introduce yourself' section so that you can start your own discussion and let other members know a little more about you and your experience. You can find it here: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2240

    Thankyou for sharing! :)
    0 x

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