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My Fiancé has left me feeling broken. Need advice!

Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 12:40 pm
by Taz90
Hey all,

This is my first post, after reading all of your stories and pieces of advice, It’s given me some relief that I am not alone.

My partner and I have been together for over 3 years now, I love him dearly and he is a good man. He has been to prison for some odd years and has found it hard to find a stable job or really know what he wants to do with his life. I have always been there for him and supported him in anything he does even if he is not bringing in a Large amount of income, it didn’t bother me so much as we always just got by with anything that we needed. It is always me doing most of the spending as I do have a full time job. (We do not live together, still both living with parents)

Ever since the beginning, there were times we would go to the casino for fun or try out the pokies, but it always seemed like harmless fun. For more than a year now I have pulled him up on his gambling addiction as he would start spending any cent he had on online gambling (bet365, Sportsbet, ladbrokes), and because of this has made me responsible for our phone bill (we have a joint bill), for his ciggies, food, anything he needed. Then I started noticing the lies, money he said he would be getting from odd jobs were coming in late or he didn’t get paid yet, I believed him for a while but then i realised they were just all lies. In most recent times, he had a large amount come in (3k) which he blew in one day. We’ve had tireless fights about it, he’s slowly backing down in the fights now and more understanding that he’s going to lose me because of his addiction.

Last Friday, he gambled his Centrelink payment in one day (he was supposed to transfer the money straight to me so he couldn’t have access). On the Saturday I was weeping to him about it and he also did too. One week later, he got in a part of his repayment for me he was supposed to give me for a cheap car I purchased for him two weeks ago (that he was paying me back for with money he was getting in), and he had to confess that he gambled it all away the day it hit his account.

I need some good advice. We are engaged and supposed to be getting married very soon but I am having my doubts. Is it possible that someone like this could change for the better? Will I ever trust him again?

Thank you all

Re: My Fiancé has left me feeling broken. Need advice!

Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 5:31 pm
by JinxyWolf
Hi Taz and Welcome,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time but glad you found the strength to ask for help,

As a recovering gambler myself I know how hard it is to escape the pull and downward spiral that a gambling addiction can cause. I also know that nothing was ever going to change unless I made a conscious choice that gambling didn't deserve a place in my life. But until your partner makes that choice for himself you have to think about protecting and looking after yourself. You can show him support and give him options, like seeing a counceller or joining a support group but you can not make that decision for him.

Trust is a hard one, I think that you should be wary until he can prove to you that he is trust worthy. Trust has to be earned, make him earn that trust back by showing you that he is serious about confronting and dealing with his addiction. Whether that be by seeing a councellor or joining a support group etc.

I would suggest that perhaps you get in touch with one of the wonderful professional councellors here and get some advice on how you can approach your partner about his addiction and what you can do to protect yourself. Don't forget that you are being affected by this addiction as well, you may not be the one gambling but you are still suffering the consequences of a gambling addiction.

I have been gamble free for more than 3 years so the good news is that this addiction can be beaten, it takes time and hard work but it's is by no means impossible.

I wish you all the best


Re: My Fiancé has left me feeling broken. Need advice!

Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 8:36 pm
by Taz90
Thank you for your reply and it’s refreshing to hear from an ex-gambler like yourself because it has given me some hope!

He tells me he wants to change and he will do whatever I ask of him, but I feel like he says it just so I don’t go off on one. I have my own issues, I’m very emotional and I feel like I’m being a nag. Not fun. I wish I could lay off him and not breathe down his neck about it and hopefully he will be able to come to his own senses.

I have asked him about counselling and he says yes and I should organise it. Should I be the one to organise everything? Or if he REALLY wanted to crack down on his addiction, he should be the one to sought out the help?

I do want us to also do some relationship counselling too as it has really affected our relationship, some days I feel like I hate him, which is really sad. I have a lot of different emotions running through me today.

Thanks for the support!

Re: My Fiancé has left me feeling broken. Need advice!

Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 9:34 pm
by JinxyWolf
HI Taz,

If he really wants to get help then he should be the one to organize it. Don't let him guilt you into doing things for him. He is the one with the gambling problem, he has to be the one to take those first steps to deal with it.

I think it would be beneficial for you to get help on your own to deal with the emotions you are feeling. You deserve to be happy don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

Take care and remember we are all here to support you and if he chooses to your partner as well.