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  • New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Macharri
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:34 pm

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:41 pm

    Hi, I am new, my partner has a horse gambling problem. We have had to cover thousands of dollars to clear her credit cards after the last $10k occasion she told me she was never going to do it again. I have trusted her but by pure accident opened her account this evening and discovered she is back on the sports bet up to $200 a day for at least the last couple of days. I was too afraid to look any further back.

    I immediately went and spoke to her about it, I don't know whether that was the right thing to do or not I remained calm, said there was no judgment asked if there were any problems I should know about etc?

    Any suggestions on what I should do now or how I could have handled this better would be just awesome.

    Deflated :-(
    3 x
    Shellie
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:26 pm

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:59 pm

    Hi not sure if this is what you do to post on here.
    I am the mother of my 28 year old daughter who has a chronic gambling addiction. It has been going on for years now.. she steals money and my most sentimental possessions some that are not able to be replaced and pawns them for money. She then lies and denies taking them and makes me challenge my own thinking and doubt myself this is a terrible feeling. She has recently moved in with me with her 2 children after leaving her partner. She recently had a hospital admission in a psychiatric hospital. I have asked her to come clean with me with all the things that she has stolen, as it’s just emotionally destroying when l keep finding out more and more. She saids that’s it and then l realise something else is missing… then it’s denial and lies. She is attending a gambling counselling sporadically. I have also linked into the gambling service for support around the significant impact it has on others. What l am finding difficult is having no one to talk with who has been in a similar situation.. l just want to hold on to some hope that she can beat it. I have family and friends around me but they don’t understand they have just told me to kick her out.. again it’s not that simple, or easy their are my 2 grandkids to consider. I carry a lot of shame and guilt and now don’t talk with anyone. Will l ever be able to trust her again. I love her but it’s tough at the moment. 😞
    3 x
    Anita44
    Senior Member
    Posts: 357
    Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 9:30 pm

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Thu Jul 29, 2021 10:05 pm

    Hi shellie
    I am so sorry that your own daughter did that to you, must be very hard for you.
    It's hard when we addicted to gamble, all we can think of it's how to get more money for gamble, we didn't think that how much we hurt the one we love.
    But every gamble addicted are different than other, I use to take my daughter saving to gamble and I gamble all of my daughter saving.
    But I get to the stage, I lost all my money in one day, than I was thinking why I'm doing thing like that, that not me.
    My determination to stop gamble are 100%, I don't want to loose my family and my business that I work hard for.
    So I decide to get help and that why I am here in this forums. Before thing get too late.
    What I try to say is you can't change your daughter unless she wanted to change for herself and for you and for your grandchildren, sorry I am only say what I think and be honest with you that all.
    I feel great since I stop gamble and I start give back to the one I love in my life, if you read my 100 day challenge you will understand, I enjoy my new life without gamble now.
    I have great support from this forum here and my wonderful partner, I couldn't thanks enough every day.
    If your daughter wanted to give up gamble, she can do it too, it's will take some time and she have a great support from you, I understand why you can't just kick her out cos flood thicker than water, if family not help her, who else will help her.
    You are a very wonderful mum, your daughter are very lucky to have your support, I hope she grateful for that and I hope your daughter can give up gamble soon, life it's great without gamble
    1 x
    Printemps
    Moderator
    Posts: 332
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 8:12 am

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Fri Jul 30, 2021 10:07 am

    heya @Macharri and @Shellie it's really great that you've both come here and shared your stories, it takes a lot of strength, so good on you both.

    It can be incredibly difficult to see someone you love struggling with their gambling. What @Anita44 has said is true, we can't force someone to change unless they are ready for it, so right now the most important thing is to look after yourselves.@Shellie it's really good that you're connected in with a support service, do they offer any counselling services? You have come to the right place to find people to support you and discuss with you what's going on. It can feel incredibly isolating feeling that you don't have people around you that understand, so it's really great you've reached out. Do you have any self care things you can do to help protect yourselves?

    @Macharri It sounds like you handled the situation very well. Being calm and non-judgemental is the best place to come from. If your girlfriend knows you're there for her and aren't judging her then she may feel more comfortable opening up to you and hopefully connecting in with support services. As I said above, please be careful to look after yourself, we cannot pour from an empty cup. Do you have people you can speak to for support, or any self-care techniques to have in place?

    I'm going to tag some members who have had similar experience, as they may be able to provide some support @Jimap @Joan

    Remember we're all here for you :o
    1 x
    Damaged_Armour
    Senior Member
    Posts: 104
    Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2020 3:17 pm

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Fri Jul 30, 2021 12:18 pm

    Shellie wrote:
    Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:59 pm
    Hi not sure if this is what you do to post on here.
    I am the mother of my 28 year old daughter who has a chronic gambling addiction. It has been going on for years now.. she steals money and my most sentimental possessions some that are not able to be replaced and pawns them for money. She then lies and denies taking them and makes me challenge my own thinking and doubt myself this is a terrible feeling. She has recently moved in with me with her 2 children after leaving her partner. She recently had a hospital admission in a psychiatric hospital. I have asked her to come clean with me with all the things that she has stolen, as it’s just emotionally destroying when l keep finding out more and more. She saids that’s it and then l realise something else is missing… then it’s denial and lies. She is attending a gambling counselling sporadically. I have also linked into the gambling service for support around the significant impact it has on others. What l am finding difficult is having no one to talk with who has been in a similar situation.. l just want to hold on to some hope that she can beat it. I have family and friends around me but they don’t understand they have just told me to kick her out.. again it’s not that simple, or easy their are my 2 grandkids to consider. I carry a lot of shame and guilt and now don’t talk with anyone. Will l ever be able to trust her again. I love her but it’s tough at the moment. 😞
    Hi Shellie
    There's alot to unpack in that scenario. When she's stealing thing things to pawn, she in a frenzied state. At my worst, before I had a withdrawal limit, my hunger was insatiable, in that frenzied state I could burn $5k in an evening and not bat an eye lid.

    It's in our nature to ask questions we already know the answer to but don't want to believe. Instead of asking if she has stolen item x or y, when something goes missing, tell her to stop stealing your things. This implies you know and she should stop insulting your intelligence. You could set her up with a little hidden camera, the one that's hidden in a phone charger and connects to your phone.

    If you want her there, regardless of the reason, you have to adjust the way you do things. You know she will steal and lie, so don't give her the opportunity. Don't leave money out, not even a 5 cent coin. If she's fleecing your cards carry them with you In your bra, same goes with your cash, until she comes to the realisation your house is shelter and food, and nothing else.
    3 x
    There's No such thing as "Just Once"

    You want to stop gambling? Ok great, put your boxing gloves on.
    Paris196563*
    Junior Member
    Posts: 20
    Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2021 6:19 am

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Fri Jul 30, 2021 7:37 pm

    Macharri wrote:
    Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:41 pm
    Hi, I am new, my partner has a horse gambling problem. We have had to cover thousands of dollars to clear her credit cards after the last $10k occasion she told me she was never going to do it again. I have trusted her but by pure accident opened her account this evening and discovered she is back on the sports bet up to $200 a day for at least the last couple of days. I was too afraid to look any further back.

    I immediately went and spoke to her about it, I don't know whether that was the right thing to do or not I remained calm, said there was no judgment asked if there were any problems I should know about etc?

    Any suggestions on what I should do now or how I could have handled this better would be just awesome.

    Deflated :-(
    I understand you would feel so deflated. I may be wrong but it seems to me with your reaction she may not see the problem is as bad as it is. Obviously it’s her money but as you said you have both had to cover the last lot. I know if it were my partner I would feel bad if I saw that I had disappointed or betrayed the trust. You sound like a really nice person. I think you need to be honest and tell your partner exactly how you feel if it is going to be affecting you.
    This is how I feel others may feel differently.
    2 x
    Paris196563*
    Junior Member
    Posts: 20
    Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2021 6:19 am

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Fri Jul 30, 2021 7:43 pm

    Shellie wrote:
    Thu Jul 29, 2021 8:59 pm
    Hi not sure if this is what you do to post on here.
    I am the mother of my 28 year old daughter who has a chronic gambling addiction. It has been going on for years now.. she steals money and my most sentimental possessions some that are not able to be replaced and pawns them for money. She then lies and denies taking them and makes me challenge my own thinking and doubt myself this is a terrible feeling. She has recently moved in with me with her 2 children after leaving her partner. She recently had a hospital admission in a psychiatric hospital. I have asked her to come clean with me with all the things that she has stolen, as it’s just emotionally destroying when l keep finding out more and more. She saids that’s it and then l realise something else is missing… then it’s denial and lies. She is attending a gambling counselling sporadically. I have also linked into the gambling service for support around the significant impact it has on others. What l am finding difficult is having no one to talk with who has been in a similar situation.. l just want to hold on to some hope that she can beat it. I have family and friends around me but they don’t understand they have just told me to kick her out.. again it’s not that simple, or easy their are my 2 grandkids to consider. I carry a lot of shame and guilt and now don’t talk with anyone. Will l ever be able to trust her again. I love her but it’s tough at the moment. 😞
    So sorry your going through this Shellie
    Hopefully we can be some support to you. I think what @Damaged_Armour has said is great advice. It’s hard when children are involved. Please look after yourself first and foremost. Your daughter can change but she has to want to.
    2 x
    User 61047ff408644
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2021 8:48 am

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Sat Jul 31, 2021 8:53 am

    I am the partner of a long term gambler, I feel very alone. My family and friends would tell me to leave. I have no one to talk to.

    He gambles online and does some morally flexible things.

    It's the lying and deceit that is the hardest to take.
    2 x
    Printemps
    Moderator
    Posts: 332
    Joined: Tue May 04, 2021 8:12 am

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Sat Jul 31, 2021 1:45 pm

    @User 61047ff408644 Thank you for sharing your story, it takes a lot of strength to open up. I'm incredibly sorry to hear that you feel so aloe in supporting your partner. It's awful feeling that you can't reach out to those around you. You've come to the right place, this is a judgement free space for you to connect with others who understand what you're going through.

    @Joan @Jimap @Damaged_Armour @Paris196563* @Anita44 do you guys have any words of advice?

    Please remember we're always here for you :o
    1 x
    Jimap
    Member
    Posts: 48
    Joined: Thu Apr 01, 2021 2:17 pm

    Re: New here? Friends & family introduce yourself here!

    Sat Jul 31, 2021 6:51 pm

    Hi @User 61047ff408644
    My situation is a little different to yours in that I am no longer with my partner but I was in a 15 year relationship with a long term gambler. He has been gambling for 30 years. Mainly horse racing is his first love. We separated last yr but have lived separately for now 7months. I know all too well that terrible feeling of loneliness, never feeling a priority in their life unless it suits them and they need money or are feeling guilt, having to sit there and listen to lie after lie, feel manipulated, betrayed, let down, made to feel like you are going crazy…actually writing this out makes me start to feel physically and emotionally sick again. I don’t regret anything in my life. We have 2 beautiful children, my job allowed us not to go bankrupt, my children have what they need. What I regret is not getting help for myself sooner to see how this cycle of addiction sucked me in and basically ate my soul up. You have to find anoutlet to talk or begin really looking at what is keeping you in this cycle. If you make changes in your life then he may decide to make changes in his life or he may stay the same. Check out ‘love over Addiction’ podcast,‘it’s really helpful. I have been working on myself for the past 7 months, getting my life back, opening my eyes up and seeing that my relationship was toxic. A relationship with an addict who is in active addiction is unhealthy. It’s like having a third person in your relationship that you can’t get rid of. Put yourself first, I know it’s hard to do but things won’t get better until you can see this for what it is. He may never change…can you live like this for the rest of your life??? Most people will be understanding and supportive if u talk and if they aren’t then remember it’s highly likely they don’t understand addiction and how the disease works. Keep in contact❤️
    1 x

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