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  • How do I trust him?

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Stressed
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:07 am

    How do I trust him?

    Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:20 am

    Hi,

    Well I'm a wife of a gambler. I had no idea that my husband had a problem until 2 years ago when he confessed because he stole money from his employer and basically was backed into a corner and didn't know what to do. To cut a very long story short (well kind of) he went through Court and got a community service order which finishes in a few months (thank God!). He was lucky that he found another job within a month of being dismissed from the one his stole from. He went to counselling for a few months through Wesley (who were a fantastic support) and I don't believe he has gambled since this all came out.

    We went bankrupt because of all the debt and now living with relatives to get our lives back on track. It's been a nightmare. His problems started (apparently) when our 6 month old daughter died 7 years ago. He told me loads of lies. I helped him through the court case and counselling and tried to be supportive. I'm just so angry. We have been married almost 15 years with 2 kids. We used to be well-off with our own home, nice cars, holidays etc. Now we have nothing. I always thought I would be a stay at home mum but now I'm forced to work to try and give our kids some sort of life.

    How do I just try and forget about what happened? How do I trust him? Every bit of money that he takes out I'm left wondering!!??? What if he has a secret bank account that I don't know about that he uses for online gambling? He tells me he doesn't do it anymore but he lied before, what's stopping him now?

    I'm going crazy! :crazy:
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    User avatar
    doug
    Senior Member
    Posts: 360
    Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:51 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Wed Sep 04, 2013 1:44 pm

    Hi Stressed,

    I can't really offer you any advice on how to trust him.

    But I can say to you that your concerns my be valid, us gamblers are have a lot of emotional turmoil.

    But don't overlook the fact that you come across as a very " honest, caring and concerned person "

    and others can certainly understand you and want to help you..

    Notice I mentioned help YOU instead of your husband. Hang in there.


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    Doug who's the good dog?
    Stressed
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:07 am

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:26 pm

    Thanks Doug
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    User avatar
    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:31 pm

    Hello 'Stressed',

    We are very saddened to hear that you have been through so much with your husband's gambling problem and that you now have to work to cover his debts. I can sense that even though he promises that he is not gambling, you are really struggling to trust him. You have come to a great place to discuss these concerns and to explore what you can do to support him and to protect yourself. So, on behalf of the team, I would like to welcome you to the gambling help online forum

    I think it would be helpful to know what treatment he is currently involved in? Also, what are you doing to protect yourself in all of this?

    Hope to hear from you,

    Hang in there, you are doing a great job...

    Angelina
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    Stressed
    Junior Member
    Posts: 3
    Joined: Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:07 am

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Sat Sep 07, 2013 11:35 am

    Thanks Angelina,
    He was having counselling and then we had couples counselling which we stopped earlier in the year. I keep a watchful eye on the money but he often uses money to purchase parts for a project he has to finish and there is no way of me knowing where that money is going. Anyway, I have some comfort in the fact that he can't obtain finance as we are bankrupt.
    I have my ups and downs. I feel ok today but then another day I feel so depressed.

    Thanks for welcoming me.
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    User avatar
    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Wed Sep 11, 2013 12:46 am

    Hello again 'Stressed',

    Understandably this would be a difficult time for you and it may be a while before you feel that you can trust him again. I can imagine that you would be feeling betrayed and very angry. But, it is also wonderful to hear that the two of you participated in couples counselling together.

    Hhhmmm...in regards to his 'individual' counselling/gambling treatment, what was the outcome of this? Has he continued with this? Also, what strategies/interventions do you think have been working?

    Warm regards,
    Angelina
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    Aileen
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:26 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:28 pm

    Gambling craving is no joke, as it's estimated to cost the country as billions of dollars per year. More states are permitting lawful gambling and though the habit is fine in moderation and when done for fun, but people who get hooked are doing damage to themselves and to others.
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    User avatar
    POPEYE
    Senior Member
    Posts: 664
    Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:28 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:44 pm

    .
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    User avatar
    Dave
    Junior Member
    Posts: 24
    Joined: Thu Mar 14, 2013 10:06 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Wed Nov 27, 2013 3:26 pm

    I guess the bottom line is you can't trust him. Not yet anyway. It will take you time to rebuild the trust you once had. especially coming from a position of financial strength to where you are now.

    Please understand that your hubby is unwell. Addiction is not unlike any chronic disease. Without treatment, very few ever get better. I know it's hard to imagine and to show pity. But why would a man who had a family and and wealth of possessions screw everything up to the extent he has. I know it would appear he is selfish. And believe me when I say it is, and we as gamblers know it, but for some undescribable reason, we ignore all of this in exchange the punt.

    You are doing the right thing by not letting your guard down. By all means take over all the finances. Give your hubby the lowest amont of cash as you can. Do not be fooled by his conning as we are expert manipulators.

    And good on you for sticking with him and obtaining help. It shows you have stregnth and maybe, just maybe he will get better and you will be back where you once were.

    Good Luck

    Dave
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    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: How do I trust him?

    Thu Dec 05, 2013 4:40 pm

    Thanks Dave (and Popeye),

    Wise words. Great job in taking the time to share your thoughts.

    Gambling (addiction/disorder) is often (and there are exceptions) not developed or executed in spite to hurt loved ones, but yes, can be conceptualised as an ongoing condition/illness that requires support. Reasons behind gambling are more than not very complex. Reach out for as much support as you can, being the loved one of a 'gambler'.

    Chin Up


    Warm regards,
    Angelina
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