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Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2018 9:57 pm
I have recently separated from my husband. It is not your normal separation he comes over and its like we are together but have 2 houses. We thought this would be easier on the kids and we still have feelings for each other more so him I am starting to resent him. So every weekend its the same stuff over and over and the promises come in thick and hard. We have a good weekend and then he cracks and begs for forgiveness. We have been together for almost 28 years and I think it is time to move on. He knows he has a drinking and gambling problem. both go hand in hand, after 4 years of the same discussion we tried talking about it and lots of arguments I have had enough I have lost a piece of me in all of this I didn't and still don't know who I am anymore. I have covered up for too many years how I feel to others and it is time to start living in reality "he is never going to change" and yes he has tried and tells me the same thing "I promise this it I don't want to drink or bet" so come Thursday what happens...... yes the same repetitive events. I can no longer go on like this anymore. But he wont let me go I have begged him to let me go I am not happy but he emotionally blackmails me with " throwing it all away, what about the kids" well he threw it away and the kids already know what he does and wont do! If he really loves me and the kids then he would try harder....I am so unhappy with it and it is affecting me draining the life out of me. I told him I had met someone else so that he would hate me and let me leave.......but he wont. He begs me to stay with him that he will change but how long do you wait, until there is nothing left but an empty shell. I have tried a counselor but just didn't feel the connection. I just don't know where to begin I have family but he doesn't have any close to us which is hard and then I feel guilty for that too. I wish I had a magic wand.
Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2018 10:47 am
So sorry that you are in this dilemma!
All I can say is PLEASE do not feel guilty ... it is what could be holdIng you back.
l remember many years ago someone told me l needed to decide whether to think with my heart or think with my head. It took me a while to understand and make my decision.
Deep down you know what you have to do.... Do not let guilt hold you back.
Wishing you well on your journey.
Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:21 pm
I'm Calvin, one of the facilitators here on GH online.
It sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment.
These can be quite difficult decisions that you've mentioned.
In the mean time, it is important to mange your own self-care, find things that help keep you relaxed for your own wellbeing.
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:55 am
I am more in your husband shoes and you are on my wife's
Broken promises, bad habit, lies, all come hand in hand. It's over and over again in all these years.
When I saw your message, my heart sank. Becoz the story's pretty much the same. The difference is now I finally admit I'm a loser after 30 years of gambling. I deleted all apps and cut out old ties. Focus more on the family coz I don't wanna hurt them. I'm now 2 weeks clean and rebuild my confidence and trust from others
The heavy debt is still here, but at least I don't increase it.
Your husband needs to accept the fact that he can't win, house and bookies have the edge in the long run. Then face the reality
Love him, treat him as a patient. Seek professional support. The situation will change. More resentment won't help the situation but distancing each other. Pull him back to reality
You know u are not giving up in him, otherwise u already packed ur bag and left instead of writing this post, right?
My heart is with you, stay strong. Look after yourself and the children
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2018 11:34 am
Hi Ruby, I feel for you. My husband loses control over his gambling when he drinks. Going to the pub has become his just about only social activity. He drinks and plays the pokies, loses all reason and then gets super annoyed and mean. I had a gambling problem myself which I dealt with some years ago but this dragged me back in - no excuse just fact. I have now made the decision to stop gambling but he keeps saying he will but doesn’t. As soon as he gets a few beers in him or is bored he is off to the pokies. He has great intentions but I don’t think I can keep watching this while trying to stay away. The drinking and gambling go hand in hand for him. I can’t help him with either because he thinks he can deal with it. I have discussed triggers etc but he just won’t avoid them.