So lost

Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns and get some helpful tips.

Re: So lost

Postby Calvin (facilitator) » Wed Aug 08, 2018 4:50 pm

Hi User 5b394a4b6e39c,

It is always so difficult when a partner is going through this because most of the time the person that also suffers is their partners.

All you can do is communicate and provide resources but also boundaries. You can only do so much as a partner and as a human.

No one is made to fix others problems, they need to want to fix their own issues.

Please remember to manage your own self-care at this time because sometimes we can become overly consumed by our loved ones issues.
Maybe some psychological support would benefit you ?

Regards,

Calvin.
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Re: So lost

Postby Shinagawahagi » Thu Jul 26, 2018 11:41 pm

Hi 5b394a4b6e39c,

I have just joined this forum. Your post is the first that I read and it resonated with me so deeply. I don't have any solution to the problem, as i am here also to find some help from outside of my family and find out what I can do for myself and my 2 children. My husband's gambling is obviously mental problem, he is hardworker, he is professional, but no matter how much money comes into our account - 97% goes on his gambling. The most overwhelming part for me in here is to deal with my inner anger, stress, emotions, helplessness and dissapointments. Sometimes we dont have a cent to get milk for kids, i feel we are survivors, and I hate all the stuation around, hate myself that I can't get out of this cycle. I have constantly thoughts about separating from my husband as the only possible way, honestly i don't know how it may effect on kids' and our lives either and it scares me. The only light of hope that my husband will stop gamble one day keeps me in this cycle is when I see that he accepts this is his problem and he does his little steps towards controling. Just doent last long and yet again! and now I am at the stage when am looing for help, to see if there other ways of dealing with gambling problem in my family without separating from my husband, and if i try and they dont work then i will use my back up plan, which I wish never will have to use.
So far what I do for myself is i do meditations. I opened separate account that he doent know about, I save as much as I can. Sometimes could be $20, sometimes $100, and when have chance to hide my income I can save more. With this I feel emotionally more stable and unhurted.
I have just realised, how it is important especially for us women sometimes to be independent in making desicions, to have financial freedom, act as an individual, to be 100% responsible for my 50% in relationship and it doent mean I lose my partner and sense of being in a relationship, but means I am strong enough to go through crisis and I have more chances to help him and my family. My emotional state is so important for me at this moment as my kids need me as normal mum.
I have a couple stories with happy ending my friends shared with me, so I just keep them in my mind to strive. Hope our stories will end up happily too))
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Re: So lost

Postby User 5b394a4b6e39c » Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:43 pm

Thank you Calvin and Kate for your replies.
It’s taken me so long to come back to this site because that means I have to actually think about the issue.
I don’t know what I should do, I really don’t.
I’m not in the right head space to even talk to him about it because the backlash will just leave me distressed.
I have just been reading through some other posts that talk about their partners going through depression when they stop gambling. To be honest I can’t deal with that again from him. It almost sent me into a depressive state last time I dealt with his depression... I’m a nurse but I just can’t go through that again. I know it sounds horrible but self preservation is all I can think of right now. ... I just get so frustrated because he is so selfish!! I understand addiction is a disease but at some point it’s also a choice! Someone with cancer doesn’t choose cancer, an addict makes the choice. It’s hard for me to understand as I don’t have an addiction and I’ve never been clinically depressed. It’s just hard. Thank you for the support, it is greatly appreciated.
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Re: So lost

Postby Kath9 » Mon Jul 02, 2018 2:20 pm

Hi there... not sure I can help but do understand how you feel... my husband has been gambling (I don't know for how long.. and I only put 2 and 2 together when he accessed the offset in December). He continued to deny it until I had withdrawal evidence from bank account. Since then there has been very little remorse and if anything, he's angrier and blames everything on me. We've fought for 6 months. I've tried taking over all money (then would experience anger when I asked questions if he requested money which was daily). I handed his money back over and now get less than before but he cannot get angry about his money as much.
We've got 2 small children and I can't help but think they deserve better.
My husband eventually told me he'd leave if I gave him 25000. This has forced me into a predicament (I need space and will not continue to enable him by paying all bills and providing him with shelter).
So... I'm leaving.. I'm trying to sort a consent order.. to pay him that amount and transfer house title.. long process and we are still in same house. I still love him but I know he's in denial. I cannot help him and need to focus on myself and the kids. It's a terrible road.. I liken it to the grief I experienced losing my mum.. this time ther person is alive but I just don't recognise them anymore.
I guess what I want to say.... look after yourself and kids... what are you prepared to live with? X
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Re: So lost

Postby Calvin (facilitator) » Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:13 am

Hello user 5b394a4b6e39c.
I'm Calvin one of the facilitators here on Gamblers Help Online.
Firstly, I would like to commend you for reaching out on the forums, I think you will find that a lot of people do provide useful advice and support and you can also learn from other people's experiences.
It's always difficult when a partner faces a gambling problem because as you have explained it also affects yourself and the family.
Although your relationship seems a little rocky at times, keep in mind that if he has tried to ban/stop himself, that means it has been a passing thought for him as recognizing his gambling as an issue. It is common for people that feel depressed to go and gamble.
If you would like someone to chat to, Gamblers helpline has counsellors that are there to support family members/partners as well. The counsellor can also give a referral to a face to face gambling counsellor. You can contact Gamblers Helpline on 1800 858 858.
It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of stress at the moment, so I would encourage you to stay in touch with you're own self-care to help manage the level of stress.

Take care,

Calvin
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So lost

Postby User 5b394a4b6e39c » Mon Jul 02, 2018 10:00 am

Hi,
I don’t know where to begin and apologies in advance if this is all over the place!
My husband has what I believe to be a gambling problem. He bets on horses almost every day, online so access ALL the time.
We are currently in the process of selling our house and buying another house, it’s stressful (for me!). Anyway he makes a great income, around $130k and I’m making around $55k part time. We *should* be doing so well but we’re not! I go through stages of denial where I won’t look into our finances thoroughly because it upsets me to see all the $$$ going to the various sporting betting places. But what I struggle with is Is it actually problem gambling yet? We pay all our bills, we have debt but we don’t miss payments or anything like that.. I feel like it’s problem gambling but I just don’t know. He can spend from $500-$1200 a month. He has tried many times to limit or put bans on himself from various sites but he usually just starts up somewhere else. He gets angry when confronted and I just end up feeling worse. I don’t even know what I’m asking but I’m just so alone and so scared of the unknown. We have three kids and I have threatened to leave before and he said we would never see him again because he wouldn’t be one of those people who have the kids on the weekends, he rather never see them again. I should also add a few years ago he went through a stage of depression which I helped as much as I could. He was medicated for a short time, he changed jobs and that helped a lot (his job was horrible). I feel like I have been there for him through so much but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. Should I just accept his gambling while we *can* afford it and wait and see what happens or do I leave? I am too embarrassed to speak to my family or friends about it. I have told one friend but I downplayed how serious it was because I was so embarrassed and felt so so so stupid. Sorry for the long post... I’m just so lost.
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