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When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 4:37 pm
by ConcernedPartner17
I posted in here several months ago about my partner who had developed a serious gambling problem and had lost over $19000 in one weekend. He had stolen $5000 from his dad and also drained the bank account of mine he had access to.

After advice from the online chat and the intervention we held as a family unit I believed everything was going ok. We were able to borrow money to pay the business bills we had and he had worked so hard to pay that loan off.

The past couple of days he was presenting with some strange behaviors and ever since Christmas he has had not a cent to his name. This was despite working 7 days a week and completing several big jobs. I put it down to Christmas time and have been working my bum off to attempt to get back in front.

Well today curiosity got the better of me. I logged into his computer and his PayPal account was logged in. There I found several $1000 deposits to SportsBet, but no payments back. I then got into his sportsbet where I found in the last 14 days he is already down $5500. Mind you I have been scrapping the barrel to ensure we have food and rent has been paid. He has sat there and watched me cry as I've dragged myself to work, for night shift, despite being completely exhausted.

I suggested that when he gets home from work we could go for a walk and have a chat. He instantly started calling and would not let up until I told him what was wrong. All I had to say was “I know everything about sportsbet”. He went off. Told me that we were done because I had breached his privacy and called me every name under the sun. I have let him have his rant and also let his family know as I can not handle this on my own. Plus one of his parents is partners in the business and was starting to ask questions about money.

I have just dropped my children off to stay somewhere else for the night due to the fact I have to pull it together to go to work. I know that he will be at my house in the next hour to begin packing his stuff.
My biggest struggle is do I beg him to stay so that I can help him or atleast be here to support him or do I let him walk and potentially lose him forever.

Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:23 pm
by Mona58
I am so sorry of your situation. Only you can decide what You want to do.
Take care of yourself & your children and I wish you strength on your journey,

Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 6:29 pm
by Jeddie
Hi there, I have heard councillors say that until an addict understands the problems that the gambling causes they will never understand. Personally (and because you asked) I would let him walk away. My partner unknowingly used to bail me out and I did not learn one thing. It was so easy to lie to him about why I needed to borrow money.
Good luck to you and always put you and your children first. If he is not ready to admit his problem and is very angry he won't stop..

Best wishes

110 pokie free days with the wonderful help from this site

Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:16 pm
by ConcernedPartner17
Thank you so much for both of your replies. I appreciate them.

Yes when we went to his first counseling session in July 2017 he did mention that until they realized that there was an issue there would be no improvement.

He has officially left the building. Came and collected a few things and told me that due to my behavior of snooping will not be coming back. He is hiring a truck to move the rest of it out over the weekend. Going to be an empty old building.
I reached out to my mum and explained what was going on to her and she wants to help me get back on my feet. So over the weekend we are going to sit down and come up with a plan to ensure I am able to move forward financially. Also she has offered to help with child minding until I can work out a realistic plan for child care. So that's also something.

Sucks that I have invested so much emotion, time and effort into this relationship only for it to go down the drain like this. I did make it clear to him that I was not the one walking away and that I hope the person I love hasn't disappeared, but also makes me question was any of it ever real.

Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 7:44 pm
by Jeddie
He has an illness so deserves some compassion. Until he can admit the problem tho you need to look after yourself. Getting mad at you is his way of dealing with his guilt. Don't fall for it. Thank goodness for your Mum, she is wonderful.

Gambling reaches all corners of the gamblers life so there will be a lot of backlash. Be strong. I get the feeling that the children aren't his? Hopefully it might be a bit easier for you (sorry if I got that wrong)

As a pokie Addict myself I know I would not want to be living with me 😐

Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:13 pm
by Oregon
Unfortunately the gambler doesn't change until there are serious negative effects - for some this means losing family, friends, a house, or going without food because they have gambled all their money.

You have been patient and reasonable and worked together and the behaviors have not altered, I hope he realises what he has lost and for your families' sake he can try again.

Thoughts and prayers with you and your kids.


Re: When do you walk away...

Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:50 am
by Siobhan
wow this sounds very much like my husband, however he gambles at the pokies so I cant track the amount he has spent. I always have a sick feeling in my belly and when I confront him he blames me or the nights he gambles because he doesn't feel welcome at home, and wont own his ****.
UI feel for you, but know you are not alone although god damn it feels like a very lonely place.
Its just so selfish that they do this, and when they turn it around I feel like walking too. I would also like to know when enough is enough. My dad is a gambler and has never stopped. He is the reason for my mum and dads split and I feel like I am somehow following mums exact path. She said she cried every day and that me, never a week goes by without tears.
If only things could just get better.
Today I decided to get his dad involved. My husband needs to be accountable and start to get help. I may lose him because of this, but i cant continue like this. This is my final shot.

Good luck