Husband problems..

Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns and get some helpful tips.

Re: Husband problems..

Postby DesperateWife » Tue Jul 03, 2018 2:27 pm

Hey Kath,

I really hope things start to move in a positive direction for you. I can relate to the feelings of batreyal, fear and anger that it seems like you’re feeling. I really hope he reaches a stage where he can confront his demons for the sake of you and your children.

Please keep posting and reaching out for help because you are not alone in this. We will get through it together.
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Calvin (facilitator) » Mon Jul 02, 2018 5:35 pm

Hello Kath9,

I'm Calvin, one of the facilitators on gamblers help online.
Sometimes we have to make tough decisions in order to look out for ourselves and know what we deserve. It must've taken a lot of courage to come up with a decision. It is important that during this time you are managing your own self-care.

If you need someone to chat to call the helpline at 1800 858 858

Take care,

Calvin
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Mon Jul 02, 2018 3:29 pm

Just an update... I thought maybe it was worthwhile as so often i wonder how others have ended up...
So I'm leaving.... I've continued to be met with denial "I don't do that anymore"... there was never any real remorse.. no tears... actually just anger and apathy..
I decided that I deserve better. My kids deserve better.. I cannot fix him... unfortunately he is het to move out while I arrange legal stuff (as I have no doubts he is in big financial trouble and needs this quick fix to get back on track momentarily).
It has taken me 6 months to come to a decision... but I saw nothing positive from him during this time.. I'm gutted as I loved him.. but I no longer recognise him... :(
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:44 am

Thanks Jerry. Hard for him to really feel consequences at the moment when we live in the same house. If mortgage etc doesn't get paid it has consequences for myself and kids.
I'm not seeing a person behaving in a way that is about to lose everything. He's not pulling out all stops and doesn't seem overly remorseful. He told me the other night that I couldn't look at his business account (was working for himself for a while this year and I was constantly asking when he was going to get paid). We've been fighting over finances and his lack of communication for years.. I feel like he's sponged off me for ages.
The stress and betrayal really does feel like too much for me at present. I've read a lot about this problem and don't think I could live always watching over my shoulder and being a mother figure.
I'm working on getting time for counselling. Life was already very hectic with being a full time working mum in a stressful job. I'm also getting legal advice on where we both stand in ordee to weigh it all up.
Have a great Christmas everyone and thanks for your support. X
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Jerry (facilitator) » Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:57 am

Hi Kathy,

It's great that you have started to separate your finances.

Gamblers change when the consequences of their actions outweigh the benefits.

Gamblers often get others to rescue them from the consequences.

They often get people around them to pay more than their fair share of bills and expenses. If a gambler lives alone and gambles their money away when the electricity bill is due, they get their electricity cut off. Consequence. If they gamble away their money when the electricity bill is due and their partner pays for it. No consequence.

Gamblers often get their partners to pay for groceries, fuel, bills, rent, mortgages, credit card debt, xmas presents etc.

In these situations the gambler rarely contacts our service. It is the partner that contacts, as they are the ones on the receiving end of the consequences. His gambling is causing negative consequences for YOU.

Ask yourself, how would his finances be different if he had to live alone.

Separating your finances as much as possible will allow him to start experience some negatives of gambling.
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Mona58 » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:32 pm

That's great news Kath!

Your husband is a lucky man to have you! I'm sure he knows this. It is great he has admitted the problem. l hope he will get all the help he can... AND you for yourself.

Stay strong! the path ahead may get a bit rough.

Wishing you all the very best.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Sat Dec 16, 2017 4:04 pm

Thanks everyone. Managed to get to the bank with HB and have had all accounts apart from his removed from his internet banking. To do anything more aggressive would require reapplication for home loan in my name.... anyway hopefully this is one step.
He admits he has a problem. I don't know if I will ever trust again at this point but I will try and help him to get the professional help he needs. Now just have to prioritise making the time for this.
Thanks for your comments. They are helpful :o
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Springhope17 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:48 pm

Hi Kath,

You must protect yourself!
I can only relate as a gambler and if there are no consequences to our actions then we will keep doing the same things.
It sounds like he is still in denial about his problem and while he is in this stage he may keep doing the same things.
So protect your money and assets.
As a gambler I felt so many times that I was at rock bottom and things couldn't get any worse but I couldn't stop chasing my losses even tho I could see all the negatives effects! I thought so many times once all my savings were gone that things were so bad but i still managed to get myself in $80,000 debt from taking out loans and credit cards all used to put in stupid pokies - the more I lost the more desperate I became.
Him moving out might be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out!

Take care of yourself and protect yourself and your children.
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Kath9 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 2:28 pm

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It means a lot.. :D
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Re: Husband problems..

Postby Mona58 » Fri Dec 15, 2017 9:51 am

Kath...

Don't go blaming yourself... it is that the gambler has been caught and will respond in defensive and aggressive ways ... say things he may not truly mean...

There is no right or wrong way to handle things . You have every right to question him ... he now knows you know.

Hang in there as the path ahead is going to be tough BUT it CAN be fixed. To survive something like this will make your marriage stronger! All relationships have their ups and downs... there's something to gain through every transition.

Ring those numbers 1800 858 858 for gamb helpline AND 1300 364 277 for Relationships Australia to talk to some-one.... it will help to unload all those thoughts raging in your mind...

PLEASE do NOT blame yourself nor allow ''the gambler" to stand over you.

It sounds harsh and awful to say ''the gambler" :-but my meaning is that your husband is in there... and is controlled by the gamblIng addiction so he is not entirely himself ...

Mona
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.~Confucius
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