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  • blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane pleas

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    LaraT
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2016 11:38 pm

    blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane pleas

    Fri Dec 23, 2016 11:47 pm

    Hi all I'm new to forum I just need someone to talk to a new perspective as I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall.
    I've been blamed for cg partner losing all his money again before Xmas. I didn't reply in time to his txt this afternoon and as a result I made him stay at the bar and lose the last of his dollars - now I've ruined Xmas again too. How can he sit there and get so angry about something that sounds completely crazy to me and he says I'm acting bizarre as I'm trying to talk to him about his accusations. Recently moved to a new town I'm completely isolated so don't have anywhere to go and clear my head :(
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    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane p

    Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:04 am

    Hi LaraT..how difficult for you but you are not to blame for your partners addiction.Unfortunately its an addiction that affects not just the gambler but their family as well..there is a lot of help and support which might benefit you and your partner if they want it..good luck
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    Arni
    Member
    Posts: 30
    Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:23 pm

    Re: blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane p

    Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:59 am

    Dont even entertain that thought one bit you are not responsible for his gambling one bit.It is all his own doing his choice unfortunately not just his loss when he loses his/yours/our money.Its a common thing to blame anyone or anything.Its one of the downfalls of gambling..... tunnel vision see only what you want to see,when you lose look for excuses.All the best Merry Xmas hope it all works out better in the future & peace to all :)
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    Noah (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 308
    Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:53 pm

    Re: blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane p

    Tue Jan 03, 2017 11:14 am

    Hi Lara T
    I'm Noah, one of the facilitators here. It sounds like you are in a tricky place with your partner at the moment. Just wanted to make sure you knew that you could get free counselling about this from Gamblers Help. The service is for significant others as well. It sounds touch with no one there to support you through this! If you call 1800 858 858. They can let you know your nearest service. Thought you might also find some information in this link useful as a starting point too... http://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/he ... g-yourself
    Take care of yourself,
    Noah
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    Bada
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:12 pm

    Re: blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane p

    Wed Jan 04, 2017 3:45 pm

    Hi Lara,

    I have been in your shoes... blamed and challenged for anything that went wrong around the house, and under constant accusations and pressure from my partner. When I discovered her gambling habits, and researched what it is all about, it started to make sense. It was painful, and no matter what I tried it seemed impossible to offer help or help our relationship grow.

    Your gambling partner does not want you to get too close, despite your best intentions to help. This is because to have you really engage with them in an honest, constructive way may mean that they need to acknowledge that they need help and that you are not the one with a big problem. I have learnt from experience that there is a good chance that whatever you are being blamed for, or accused of, or the 'problems' you are being told you have... are most likely what the gambler is actually doing or dealing with (despite their denial). For example, just the other day when I asked my spouse simply "What did you do today?" when I returned from work, she said "You are pathetic.. now you are accusing me of wasting time gambling during the day, and next thing you'll be saying I neglect my kids and leave them in the car!! How dare you not trust me. When are you going to shut up and trust your wife!? What kind of person are you? Do you even want a wife that works her arse off looking after the kids while you are at work>!" A big response and a lot of hurt in there for simply asking what someone did during the day. And guess what... everything she said was later found to be actually true. She had been gambling... she had neglected the children. What I copped was her guilt for her actions and an attempt to divert and distract me away from the problem, to the point she actually wants me to think I have a problem.

    I am sorry, but I know it is very painful to go through this with someone that you love and want to help.

    This is a form of, or at least very similar to, emotional abuse. Read books on emotional abuse and identify it, and how to respond. I don't recommend putting fire on fire, to show them how bad it feels when receiving what you are receiving. That may seem logical, but the gambler is not logical. They will use this against you as further evidence that you are crazy, a problem and need help.

    So.. what do you do? First I recommend taking the steps recommended on here. Limit the practical damage gambling can do to your finances and future.
    As for the emotional aspect, and blaming. Read and identify the language that is unhealthy. Consider talking to your partner about his separately to any discussions around gambling. Maybe form an agreement that states you both will not tolerate emotional abuse as part of your relationship and be clear on what that is, and how you will both respond when it occurs. I found a book by Patricia Evans titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" as very helpful in building confidence and strategies to deal with this. Do not be intimidated. Be strong and transparent, but learn what you are dealing with and how to respond.

    Tackle this and restore proper, respectful communication, and you will be on a better footing to discuss the hurt and damage that your partners' gambling is causing. I know it doesn't seem fair that you have to do all the work to learn new skills, methods, and take ownership of these sort of strategies but if simply leaving the relationship is not a viable or desired solution for you at the moment, then I do suggest it.
    I hope this helps. Remember, you are not crazy or the one with the problem. Listen carefully to the noise he is making when the hurtful comments come out... in all likelihood he is describing himself, not you.

    Maybe a bit of tangent, but I hope this maybe helps. Learning what emotional abuse was, and how to confront that, was the first step in me being able to start tackling and helping my wife with her gambling problem.

    Bada
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    blastoise (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 4:49 pm

    Re: blamed for losing any advise how to stay somewhat sane p

    Wed Jan 04, 2017 5:40 pm

    Some great points Bada, Pamela, Noah and Arni!

    How have you been since posting LaraT? Has there been any change? How are you coping?

    Blastoise
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