Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Bada » Thu Jan 05, 2017 5:51 pm

Yeah so things got harder again today. I sensed my wife was continuing to gamble because of her moods & aggressive conversations with no other logical explanation.
I felt bad for doing it, but started trying to find out where she was gambling or where she was going. After a couple of days I worked it out and found her gambling at a local hotel's Pokie lounge. I saw her in there but felt sick and did not want a confrontation at the hotel and left. I then waited in the carpark by her car, contemplating what to do, when she saw me. An awkward moment in the carpark and headed home.
Since, she has said she will break up, take the kids & move out, but I need to pay for a new place for her to live... that it is not worth staying with someone who 'spies' on her.
Her denial continues to be unbelievable. She will manipulate, including using the kids as pawns, to get what she wants. I know she will not move out... if she does, she will only be spiteful, controlling and take some sort of revenge to take whatever she can in the process.
I feel torn with the need to look after and protect our kids. I love her and would be accepting and supportive of her recovery every step of the way, if she would admit there is a problem and get help. I don't know what I can take away from her, or what consequence I can give that will prompt her to get help.

Bada
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Noah (facilitator) » Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:12 pm

Hi Bada,
I'm Noah, one of the facilitators here... sounds like a very difficult time for you and your wife. If you would like to speak to a counsellor to help you navigate this situation, please do not hesitate to contact Gamblers Helpline on 1800 858 858
Take care,
Noah
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby pamela » Fri Dec 23, 2016 8:41 am

Hi Bada I feel your pain I really do..your wifes behaviour is out of control and action needs to be taken before those kids get hurt.your wife has obviously become very addicted to put her kids in jeopardy..you need to take control of the situation..I understand the addiction and it can be hard to break but I dont understand how anyone could leave kids in the car to play..she needs help and so do you..try and get some counselling to see how you can help her .she has to want to stop but needs to know how serious her addiction has become..dont give her any more money..I really wish you all the best
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Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Bada » Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:57 am

About 6 months ago, I discovered the extent of my wife's past-time of playing the pokies, when she burnt through around $15,000 in a month, while 8 months pregnant. I was devastated, I researched so much and also thought it explained much of her other aggressive and emotional bullying that I lived with around the house. I urged her to get help. In hindsight, she gave it lip service and failed to see the impact her hobby has on me, our children and our future. Our new baby was born shortly after and she convinced me she would never touch the Pokies again. I wanted to believe her, and probably did.
Some time ago, things just weren't adding up with her activities around home. I suspected she was playing pokies again, and I found her car parked in the parking lot in front of a local club. I walked in and saw her playing the pokies. I asked her about it later that day and she tried to deny everything, was hostile and threw wild accusations back at me, and then threatened to belt me up (she physically assaulted me once before in a rage) for being so disrespectful in spying on her. I reassured her that I love her and just want to help and protect my family. She came around and thanked me for giving her unconditional love, care and believing in her. What this time showed me though was the extent to which she was willing to lie, cover up and play diversionary mind-games, that have often lead me to think that I am going crazy or lying.

Well, yesterday another bombshell came, but this one is even harder to deal with. I could see her behavior changing the last few days and knew something was going on, but couldn't quite place what the issue was. She was moody, distant, short tempered with myself and the kids. She made cases for why I need to give her money, and gave excuses for spending more on the weekly budget than usual.
I hated doing it, but I threw a GPS tracker on the car to see where she is going. I found my car parked at the back of some rough club that I am sure she thought I would never visit or see. The car was idling there for over an hour. The only thing in that place are pokies. After spotting the car in there I turned around and walked away. What I learnt later though, which makes me feel sick, was that the Nanny was not home that day, and she left our three kids in the car, in the carpark with the engine idling,while she was in there playing f'ing pokies!

I feel in a dilemma now. I want to confront her on this, also for the sake of our children, but can't feel I can let her know that I used a GPS on her car. I am deeply stressed and anxious by what I found out. When I asked her about her day after getting home from work, and also asked how she is going with managing her gambling urges (which we agreed to discuss openly) she turned the conversation around saying I was "Accusing her of leaving the kids in the car, playing pokies" and "How could I be so disrespectful and uncaring of her, when she is so busy looking after the family just before Christmas". I did not make any such accusation or even raise the topic of what had happened, but she basically came out and described exactly what she had been doing!! This time, I can't believe the lengths she will go to, to continue gambling and attempt to push me away through any sort of diversionary or manipulative tactics when her actions are in discussion.

I am so hurt and disappointed, I can hardly keep myself together around her. I don't want to spend Christmas with her. I feel her life is all a lie.
Very sad, and busy trying to keep myself together and work out what to do next to help her.
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