Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:35 pm

Hi Bada,

I really hope we have been able to support you in some way, I came back to your post as sometimes I can go on too much and despite being a gambler with an addiction now have the clearer head to see things differently. I just read a post you wrote early Jan in response to another affected partner and copping abusive behaviour, from your reply it appears that you have been reading a good book, one that I read many years ago about verbal abuse , it was helpful to me and also made me have a good look at how I behaved and the words used during heated arguments.

Unfortunately when one is open to learning and gaining further insight it doesn't help the situation if the other person is not on or can get on the same page.

Hope you can work through this, wishing you all the best & take care.
annnie
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Fri Feb 03, 2017 10:52 am

HI Bada,

I am sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in, it must be very exhausting emotionally and physically trying to balance work, children and your wife's issues with gambling. It seems like no matter what you do, the issue is not resolved. I guess the concern I see is that she replaces gambling with alcohol, which we want to avoid.

I can't add much more to Annnie's advice, but I would suggest that you see a counsellor as well. You come under the banner of 'affected partners' and are eligible for Gambling Counselling. I also strongly encourage you to speak to a Relationship Counsellor, which can provide a platform for both you and your wife to discuss issues.

What I would also suggest is speaking to a lawyer/solicitor or a financial advisor. I strongly recommend this be a focus as if the relationship deteriorates further, to protect yourself and your income. Allocate some time to doing these things, if you need to take a day off or finish early then do this.

You are doing your best in a difficult situation Bada, and I hope that things improve for you. Please keep us posted and ask any questions, I am sure we will all help you where we can.

Blastoise
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:02 pm

Hi Bada,

Please speak to a GH counsellor on the phone and they will point you in the right direction. Sorry to hear things have not gone well for your family.
Did you manage to attend counselling with your wife or on your own ? I would think that both need to be involved to work through this together. There are going to be lapses , Some can stop straight away, some cannot , but as time goes by it is possible to cease. I have been in weekly counselling for around 5 months now and still struggle. I am determined and have found understanding as to why I gambled, put all strategies in place and dealing with PTSD along the way. It can take time, but in the meantime you and the children must be the priority and the discussions mentioned should not take place in front of the children. Your wife is fighting an addiction , fighting you and anyone else who is wanting her to stop, she has to want to and perhaps if the realisation that what she is saying is so far from reality in regards to care of children etc. she may take a step back and give it some serious thought and take the necessary steps to recover.

Whilst she is being psyched out by the machines she cannot be rational and be able to look at the situation clearly. I hope you have had a lengthy discussion with either a phone or face to face counsellor and also a relationship counsellor.

In saying the above, both parents need to look at behaviours as sometimes we neglect to see our own in certain situations. Underlying issues need to be addressed and also the chance that depression or any other mental health issue.. An immediate cease of gambling may not be possible until all is put on the table with professional help to work through the pile.
,
It is past the time for not taking things further, please seek professional help for yourself and the children, it doesn't mean it has to be over , it is supportive and the children can be cared for appropriately whilst your wife seeks help . Unless there is a reason that by placing the children in your care would not be in their best interest, there is no reason that you cannot be in the house with the children and your wife finds other suitable accommodation or a rehab program if there is one to help her and ultimately the whole family. It can be arranged that she spend quality time with the children.

Unfortunately , it would be looked at that you are not protecting the children from family violence by not taking action. In regards to relationship counselling there is opportunity to work things out if possible ( I think it's mandatory in regards to family law ) and make agreements . please don't get caught up with lawyers until absolutely necessary as that is where the fight begins and there are some that play hard and dirty. It is not pleasant for anyone and certainly not for the children whilst either party is in fight mode or pokie psyche mode.

If you would like to pm me for further insight on how having a nanny may affect the family & allow for gambling time ,please feel free to chat if it could be of help to you.

Take care & keep posting if you feel it helps you to get through this.
annnie
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby User 586eee5282d07 » Thu Feb 02, 2017 6:46 pm

Hi bada,

You are in such an incredibly hard and stressful situation and my heart and thoughts go out to you.

The first thing i would say is make sure you and the children are physically safe from harm. Maybe some relatives or friends could help out? I think you need some sort of repreive from this; at least somewhere safe and comfortable to sleep so you can think more clearly on what your options are.

Did you try speaking with a counsellor?

One thing i do know is it is not your fault for her gambling and drinking. I sincerely doubt that a counsellor would have said that.

I wish i could offer more support bada but i think this needs professional advice rather than my amateur opinion when i am a gambler. I am sure a facilitator will respond soon with some options for you to think about.

In the meantime please stay safe. You are obviuosly a caring father and husband doing the absolute best you can in this situation.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Bada » Thu Feb 02, 2017 3:44 pm

I appreciate everybody's words of support, but just when I want to believe things are heading in the right direction for my partner and family, things get harder all over again.

My spouse goes to exceptional measures to access and find cash. I learnt she continues to divert into local pokie places. Only things in her purse at the end of the day are notes contianing my visa card numbers and bank withdrawal slips. She told me she got rid of all ATM cards, yet refuses to share accountability for her bank account which once upon a time had 50,000 in it. It would have much less than that now.
She has started seeking support from a counsellor, who she holds in high regard and I am thankful for, but she will still look me in the eye and reassure me that she is making amazing progress and never touched the pokies, when in fact she has.
I am told that the counselor helped her identify why she gambles, and it is because of apparently how i treat her... her gambling (and now drinking) is apparently my fault!

Last night, after arguing all day, and gambling, she then proceeded to tell me she is sitting on the balcony and planning to drink a bottle of Bourbon until sun-up. The house was a mess, the kids were up running around at 10pm, but when I tried to help get them to bed and clean up I was told that I am insulting her and making her feel bad by accusing her of not doing the housework. She verbally abuses and threatens us.
When things got too hard to take and I was concerned about an verbal or physical abuse in front of the kids, I departed the house to avoid verbal confrontation only to receive phonecalls and text messages telling me I am weak, gutless and not supporting her.... always 'running away from my problems'.

I have been sleeping in my office at work on the floor, in my car in a carpark and am exhausted. I want her to leave but she threatens to extort me for money, take away the kids and get thugs to harrass me. I am exhausted and pretty well at wits end. I wish she could just see the damage, stop attacking and manipulating those trying to help her (including her counsellor).
Bada
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:48 pm

Hi again,

Sounding hopeful that the first steps are being made. Your story touched me and was still up early in the morning trying to find the right words for you. Thankyou for having the courage to post your story , every word on the forum has the ability to help others whether the gambler or the affected family & friends.

Encourage & help to put in place all necessary support services, work together & remember who you both were before this horrible addiction took hold. The addiction has the control over your family until your wife manages to regain the control and recover, she has an illness and her self esteem will be down. Even though you have been going through absolute hell, be kind to her and yourself. As the letter seemed to have an effect, continue with written words , nice words of love and hopes for the future . Maybe the odd bunch of flowers or a massage voucher ?? Take it slow you need to look after yourself too.

From withdrawal there will be tough times for both, it doesn't just go away. We all wish it would but that's not how it works. I am sure you have read many other posts and have become familiar with the effects of problem gambling whilst we are in recovery.

Today you regained some control, stay focussed , on guard , keep the boundaries in place & take control of the finances until later..( organise a card with no cash withdrawals ) Make gambling a non negotiable. Hoping over time things work out well for your family .Hang in there you are doing a great job , many others have just walked away.

Keep in touch & take care.
annnie
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby blastoise (facilitator) » Fri Jan 06, 2017 2:19 pm

Hi Bada,

Thanks for sharing your story, sounds like you have really been through a hard time.

Pamela and Annnie make valid points I think and I agree that being supportive of recovery is important, but ensure that there are boundaries like the others have mentioned - your priority is yourself and ensuring that you have support, and then your kids. I guess there is a bit of concern when you mentioned she has assaulted your previously and the 'walking on eggshells'. Combined with the threats and blackmail, I really encourage you to speak to someone, you have been patient and understanding, but she sounds like she is in denial and somewhat ambivalent that it is a problem, which makes it really hard to make her see the error of her ways.

Given the circumstances, you (and possibly the children) are eligible for Gambling Counselling which is covered by the Government because it is an 'affected other'.

If you call Gamblers Help, and give them your postcode, they will find the funded Gambling Counsellors around you. If you are worries about finances and the fallout of what may happen, also ask them for the contact number for a Financial Counsellor, and look up the state trustees.

Keep us posted on what happens Bada, and if others have any suggestions let Bada know

Blastoise
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby Bada » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:06 am

Thankyou. After confronting the issue, and after the angry outbursts faded, my partner finally came forward to acknowledge she has a problem and promised to get help. I expect her to do that and will support her with this challenge. I also gave her a letter as you suggested and made it clear where my boundaries are on the issue, especially with respect to our children. I hope the first steps are made of getting real help and wanting to change.
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby pamela » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:01 am

I really feel for you but I agree that the childrens welfare comes first..I think once your wife appreciates that you are only trying to help her you might be able to work through her problems..I would certainly seek professional advice but I personally would not finance her ..dont be drawn into the web of deceit we gamblers spin..remain firm but understanding.do you have family you could go to for awhile ? show her you will no longer tolerate her behaviour ..sometimes something drastic has to happen before you make the decision to stop..I wish you all the best
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Re: Wife goes underground to keep playing Pokies

Postby annnie » Fri Jan 06, 2017 2:02 am

Hi,

Your'e in such a difficult position & need professional help in dealing with this. As your children are involved they need to be the priority. If she feels that leaving is her only answer at present., then let her go, ( with an understanding that you will support her recovery from a gambling addiction , but you will no longer support the gambling and have the children be involved whether by them being left in the car or in the home environment as it is.) you have to put the children's best interest & safety foremost. there comes a time when the line is crossed and this has occurred. No one wants a situation like this to happen but this is real and she is not in the real world whilst continuing to gamble.

You must feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time, perhaps if you write her a letter offering to help get her life on track & give her your understanding that the continued gambling is an addiction/disease and that you know that's not who she really is ,maybe she will take up your offer of help & support rather than let this horrible addiction tear your family apart.. If you are prepared to work with her , let her know but also list your options so she can see the position you are in. Conversations can easily turn into arguments but a letter may get through somewhat. When something is in writing it is harder to ignore & I hate to say it but it may be of benefit for you to have a copy.

Saying that was easy, easier than what you are going to have to do. Please talk to the help line and get advice on how to deal this. Don't stress about a place for her to live, (, it may do her good to find a friend to stay with until things can be worked out )) at this point you have to stand firm on putting the children first and from what you have said any professional would say that she is not capable of providing a safe environment for them at present. Have a chat with your doctor and tell him/her of your concerns for your wife ( in regards to where her head is at )

if you would like to pm me please do .

Wishing you all the best.
annnie
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