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  • Am I being selfish?

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Phyll
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2016 2:38 am

    Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:17 am

    My partner and I are supposed to be buying a house together but I am scared about making that financial commitment with him.

    He has always gambled on horses but over the last few months this has increased. It is only recently that I have realised that it is becoming a problem.

    We have a joint account which although he doesn't add to it, he has taken all of the money out of.
    Despite a number of conversations he has continued taking money out, even after I took his card away from him.

    Again it is not big sums of money, but over time it adds up.
    When he keeps breaking his promises and my trust how can I trust him to manage his part of a home loan.

    I want stability for us and our own place. I am worried that if the mortgage is in both our names and he can't pay it then I will be saddled with all the debt. I am committed to helping with the repayments but don't want the risk of being financially responsible if things go wrong because of his gambling. Am I being selfish?

    I don't know the right way to bring this up with him or the words to use. I don't want to upset him or make things difficult, but I need to protect myself too.

    I don't have many people I can talk to about this so would appreciate anybody else's thoughts.
    0 x
    malvina
    Member
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:36 am

    Re: Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:41 am

    Dear Phyll
    How wise of you to come here. You can see exactly where you stand and the problems you have to face. You can see that your partner has a gambling problem.
    So you have a joint account - does that mean you have put money into it and he has removed it all? If so this is tantamount to stealing.
    Without any delay open an account of your own and don't allow him access to it. This is for his benefit as well as your own.
    Then tell him you are seeking counsel and advice over your finances.
    Do you know anything about his past finances? How long do you think he has been a gambler? He may have a secret tucked away
    He will remain a gambler unless he makes a real decision to quit and no one can make him do this it is entirely personal so all you can do is take advice yourself
    Keep a check on your possessions Get your family to help you with this and make sure he can't take anything of yours - a gambler will go anywhere for the money.
    God Bless You
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:55 am

    Hi Phyl..start an account just in your name and protect your income. If he has been taking money from the joint account it is stealing..i suggest you get financial counselling before you make such a commitment to protect yourself..and you need to sit down and share your concerns
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    Arni
    Member
    Posts: 30
    Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 9:23 pm

    Re: Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:54 pm

    Ummm sorry but I dont agree that its stealing,the account is in both names so legally he is entitled to withdraw funds from it regardless who puts the money in.Morally is it right and fair....HELL NO!!! Like others have mentioned open up your own account its the best solution.You have to realize in his mind its *our* money because the account is in both names.So for him its easy access with no accountability and a sense of entitlement as his name is on the account.Easy fix ....have your own account....close the joint one if you have to.Dont support his gambling he will send you broke as time goes on.Just my view Good Luck & peace to all
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    malvina
    Member
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:36 am

    Re: Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:58 pm

    Yes you are right Arni
    0 x
    blastoise (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 222
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 4:49 pm

    Re: Am I being selfish?

    Wed Dec 14, 2016 4:38 pm

    Hi Phyll,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I agree with the others in that protecting yourself should be the priority, given that you have mentioned the gambling has increased, and that he is withdrawing money from the joint account. Another option is to consider holding off on the mortgage until this has been resolved.

    Whether it be 6 months or a year, all parties need to be committed, so I would sit with them and ask: why they think the gambling has increased? Has it always been a problem? Protecting your finances is the most important step, and another question that comes to mind is: if he is using your income in the joint account, where is all of his money going?

    I encourage you to speak to a gambling counsellor, or financial counsellor through Gamblers Help 1800 858 858/ They can provide advice as gambling counsellors to you and/or your partner. Your partner has to be motivated to change though, no one can make someone stop gambling, and I do not think you are being selfish at all.

    What do you think the next step is?

    Blastoise
    0 x

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