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  • Torn between running a mile and helping

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Belle72
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:17 pm

    Torn between running a mile and helping

    Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:37 pm

    Will try and keep this short

    I've discovered in the past Month that my boyfriend of 1 year has a sports betting addiction. I cried for days when I found out how serious the problem is.

    His son has told me that he has lost tens of thousands of dollars in the past - being the "Real" reason why his wife left him. Apparently his addiction has been going on for many years.

    He is continuously on the phone betting on Tennis games - doesn't seem to care to hide that from me. But insists it is only "bonus" money and betting with money that he is winning or only betting small amounts- which obviously is not true.

    He borrows money from his son, has asked me for money at times - and is always behind in paying bills.

    He sold his house earlier in the year and within a couple of Months the small amount of equity he had is now gone....30k He has recently drawn 8k from his super which is almost gone within weeks.

    I know how much he covers up with his money losses and how much he lies to get money and now I wonder - how much more he is lying to me about
    everything else he tells me.

    The reality is I don't see him changing in the future and I see a lot of heartache... I would find it extremely difficult to ever trust him again even if he says he will get help.

    I am totally in love with the guy but I am ready to run a mile! (And friends are telling me that would be a wise move)

    Such a shame - I am so heartbroken and don't know what to do.......

    Any advice would be great xx
    0 x
    User avatar
    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:15 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:16 pm

    Hi Belle,
    Welcome to our community. It's good to see you connecting here. I'm sorry it is under such heart breaking circumstances. The dilemma you describe in your post is one that is familiar to a lot of us here from all different angles .... as the partner and as the person. I'm sure the folks will have advice to offer. The challenge of negotiating between the head and the heart... Take good care of yourself and stay in touch.
    0 x
    malvina
    Member
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:36 am

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:10 pm

    Dear Belle,
    What a sad and difficult place you are in. The only thing you can do is break up because it is likely to happen later and maybe when you have a child -the longer it takes the harder it will be. Also tell him to join this forum One can stop but no one can help them with it as it's entirely personal.
    You will have to be very strong and make sure you don't get involved yourself because there is an active spirit here that tries to join up with others just as with alcohol and smoking.
    Unfortunately this is the only way you can help him and yourself. People can stop IF THEY DECIDE TO - we can't make them.
    0 x
    Belle72
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:17 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:48 pm

    Thank you for your replies

    Yes it is so heartbreaking..... and moving on will also be heartbreaking for others involved now. I honestly couldn't imagine living without him.

    I just cant see how on earth I can make a relationship work with an issue so serious to deal with.... Especially when he is likely never to want to admit the problem or get help.

    I'm grateful that we don't live together... I cant imagine even more heartbreak having to deal with his debts on my shoulders

    I have so much empathy for people with husbands or wives in this position...... never even thought about how much of an impact gambling has on everyone til it affects you in some way.

    I'm really sad about this situation

    Do the majority of partners just walk away? Or is there a way to make it work?
    0 x
    annnie
    Senior Member
    Posts: 201
    Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:07 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 7:23 am

    Hi Belle,

    This is so tough for all involved, the gambler, wives, partners, husbands, children and affects all in so many ways. After reading your posts and thinking what would I do if I were in your position, My to do list would go like this. 1. Call gamblers help & chat with counsellor on phone. 2. Organise face to face counselling. 3. involve partner in counselling ( if doesn't want to then you know where you stand ) 4. hopefully both yourself &partner will continue with counselling as it will take time to beat this together. 5. If partner doesn't want to stop gambling , then with counselling in place decide which way you want to go and you know that you have done your best in this situation. As I said before it's a tough position to be in and that's the reality of it.

    Protect yourself financially. It's a horrible addiction and hard for many to understand how difficult it can be to beat this.

    Take care,
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 9:08 am

    What a tough place to be in but you have to firstly protect tou and your money..seek counselling..and really evaluate the whole situation..if he wants to stop he will and you can continue a life together but if he has no desire to stop then life will get tougher..you both have serious choices to make but change can happen and be good..good luck
    0 x
    Belle72
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:17 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 12:35 pm

    Thank you so much for your replies and great advice

    Its' really hard to think clearly at the moment!

    I will definitely get onto the counselling to start with. And definitely need to be prepared to walk away if he doesn't want to get help.

    I am bringing the issue up with him within the next week or so but in all honesty I don't think I see him admitting he has a problem yet.

    Thanks so much x
    0 x
    malvina
    Member
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:36 am

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:47 pm

    Hi Belle, You say,
    " I will definitely get onto the counselling to start with. And definitely need to be prepared to walk away if he doesn't want to get help"
    You will find that many of us have 'got help' over the years... but it took ill health caused by the gambling that forced me to be serious as no amount of help will suffice unless the person decides to stop this is the crux of the matter. Getting help and attention will only delay the matter unless the person is serious about stopping.
    I would have straight talks with your friend explain this and really find out if he is going to make that decision for real.... Most of us play around with the idea we never want to give it up because we enjoy it so much. we don't intend to stop and a lot of money, family and friends go under the bridge
    I wish you all the best
    Malvina
    0 x
    Belle72
    Junior Member
    Posts: 8
    Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2016 11:17 pm

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:16 pm

    Thanks Malvina

    I understand that - I guess its not different to him telling me to give up smoking - I know deep down I enjoy that and don't intend to give it up any time soon, so I get where you are coming from exactly.

    They need to be ready in their own time and for themselves - doesn't seem he could get help for his wife at the time so I don't see him doing it for me.

    Honestly I cant even function properly from the worry.

    I'm considering writing him a letter - as I couldn't possibly put it into all of the words that I need him to hear in the moment. And hoping that a letter will give him a chance to think about things without him coming back with denial or excuses straight away.

    The guy has lost pretty much everything already -

    Sad

    thanks xx
    0 x
    malvina
    Member
    Posts: 82
    Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:36 am

    Re: Torn between running a mile and helping

    Tue Nov 29, 2016 3:32 pm

    I pray that you decide to give up smoking.. I lost my father, elder brother, sister, neice grand-niece from smoking. Both my kids left home in early teens before they was ready to go out in the world simply because I didn't like them smoking and insisted on them going outside - I am allergic to it as I had a shadow on the lung from my father's smoking and with my first job - The London Trunk Telephone exchange where you could cut the air with a knife as was common in those days. They healed my shadow on the lung from passive smoking but I finished up allergic to it. If I am near someone who has smoked - or just with it on their clothes - I go into long sneezing fits and finish up feeling ill. I really lost my kids over this for years we had no bond and my son went on drugs and the dole for 10 years before I plucked up courage and gave him some real home truths. I am very close to my son now and my daughter in some ways but we always suffer from the results My son was never secure enough to get his own home and now he has a family he is being uprooted all the time in rented homes.
    So you see smoking can have a long term effect.
    God Bless
    0 x

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