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  • Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    User avatar
    BriM
    Senior Member
    Posts: 384
    Joined: Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:05 pm

    Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Mon May 06, 2013 11:04 am

    This post has been copied from another post so that members of our community can access it easily.
    Thanks for your beautiful and encouraging words, Leeroy.
    I wanted to make contact with you as I am the partner of a long term gambler who is currently accessing help through this service. Firstly, to you and to everyone coming here - CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU ARE ALL BRAVE AND ARE TAKING STEPS TO GET THIS UNDER CONTROL - that is the first step on what may be a long path but you are reaching out and that is to be commended.I was told about my partner's addiction when our son was around 8 months old which was tough but the hardest part was when the gambling continued and escalated while we were going through the process of diagnosis for our son's Autism. This is not same as being in the later stages of pregnancy but I can empathise with the added stress of wondering how you will afford to care adequately for a child with high support needs, as with a newborn. It is really important to make sure you have someone to support you while you try to support your partner. I called Gambler's Helpline often to vent so that I could try to control my reactions when slip ups occurred - and they most likely will. Many people suggest that you take control of finances but this can be a dangerous and stressful thing to do, especially when you are already dealing with pregnancy and the impending arrival of a child that will need most of your attention. I took another route and my partner and I discussed how I could support him to make better choices without taking full control. For example, I was going to buy my partner a cheap phone with no internet access to avoid some of the easy access issues. After discussing this with my partner I didn't buy it for him but he did for himself. This allows your partner to still have control over their own healing and affords them the right to be proud of even little steps and decisions they make while avoiding becoming a target for blame if things go off the rails. Support groups for family are great however I know it can be difficult to get to these things when you are preparing for the birth of a baby but keep it in mind and keep using this service to get support in the interim. GA groups for your partner are so great but it can be hard for guys to get up the confidence to go and admit such tough stuff with strangers so maybe telephone counselling is a good place to start to try to get to the bottom of why he gambles first. See if he would be at all interested in checking out this site as it is great for the anonymity. It is important to remember that it is totally normal to be confused, frustrated, hurt and the whole myriad of feelings that come with it but try to feel empowered and respected by the fact that your partner loves you so much that he wanted you to know. He is reaching out and ultimately that means he trusts you with something really frightening.
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    Sandra
    Junior Member
    Posts: 10
    Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 4:58 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:08 pm

    Thankyou for that..

    I dont have a partner but I had my Daughter in Law and Mum crying yesterday as they told me how this is affecting them. I dont want to hurt anyone but this is my pain and I am hurting me!. I asked them not to try and fix me!! Just be there when I needed to sit and talk or go around for a coffee to avoid the Pokies...No one can fix this except yourself and sincerely hope your partner is able to become free of this and all the best with your your new baby.

    Sandra
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    Linda2
    Senior Member
    Posts: 153
    Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:53 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sun Jun 23, 2013 7:19 pm

    HI Sandra

    That was a brave thing to do so well done and I want you yo know that you are not alone, that there are others doing exactly the same thing as you 1 day at a time

    Cheers Linda2
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    User avatar
    Angelina.
    Senior Member
    Posts: 326
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:43 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Wed Jun 26, 2013 1:41 am

    Thanks Linda...Awesome support champ
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    User avatar
    Loui
    Member
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:33 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:47 am

    Hi Angelina,Still don't know how to initiate a post so I just used this place to reply. Yayyyyy - Platinum now and feeling good. Soon to leave on my annual 2 months in Queensland for the weather -all paid for! 75 days now. Please everybody keep working on this. Does this mean I am now very confident I will not regress -NO, FAR FROM IT. My history is that I have had a relapse most unexpectedly, out of the blue. My strategy of getting rid of the money as soon as I get it does help. Now I just have to work out where the savings will go.

    But feeling SO GOOD and so relieved.
    On this challenge at the beginning I had 2 small relapses $140 and $200 - I could use that money now for my holiday. But instead of saving I have been paying off laybuys etc. Now I have everything I want so the saving strategy will be my next challenge.

    It is worth it.

    Thanks Angelina for all your advice and support.
    Cheers
    Loui
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    User avatar
    Loui
    Member
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:33 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:50 am

    DEar Brithe same thanks to you as to Angelina! I didn't forget you
    thanks
    Loui
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    User avatar
    Loui
    Member
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:33 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:51 am

    I mean BRI not Brithe
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    User avatar
    Loui
    Member
    Posts: 79
    Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 12:33 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sat Jul 06, 2013 12:00 pm

    By the way everybodyJust because I had small relapses of $140 and $200, does not mean I did not lose thousands of dollars over the years in dribs and drabs. Early in the piece I would spend $1000 and win $4000. This got me in and I played big. I tried to reduce the amounts and was successful, but still losing plenty overall. So I have been a player in the thousands and joined here when I got down to about an average of 200-300-- per visit.
    Then I decided to join the Challenge - best thing I ever did.

    May be I can now recover some of my losses - the right way without risking everything!

    All I can say is - this is worth it. When I joined the Challenge, I mentioned the amount I was losing right now. I did not mention the thousands from the past, the earlier years.

    Only now have I been able to think about it and admit it. On the day of my Platinum Badge I could finally revisit the past and look with horror at the amount of money lost. I would hate to go back on old bank statements and count it, because I don't think I could bear to know. I just know I no longer own a house although I have a very good rental situation. But I used to be extremely comfortable and now I just budget and reduced to a smaller income anyway.
    But I hope to say " I am so glad my gambling is over". I would not dare to say it yet, but I feel it could be that way.
    Keep trying friends
    Don't let it get you!
    Cheers
    Loui
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    User avatar
    POPEYE
    Senior Member
    Posts: 664
    Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2013 11:28 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sun Jul 07, 2013 8:56 pm

    -
    0 x
    User avatar
    AnnaB (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 363
    Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:15 pm

    RE: Tips for being a supportive partner of a gambler

    Sun Jul 07, 2013 10:38 pm

    Loui (6/07/2013)By the way everybodyJust because I had small relapses of $140 and $200, does not mean I did not lose thousands of dollars over the years in dribs and drabs. Early in the piece I would spend $1000 and win $4000. This got me in and I played big. I tried to reduce the amounts and was successful, but still losing plenty overall. So I have been a player in the thousands and joined here when I got down to about an average of 200-300-- per visit.
    Then I decided to join the Challenge - best thing I ever did.

    May be I can now recover some of my losses - the right way without risking everything!

    All I can say is - this is worth it. When I joined the Challenge, I mentioned the amount I was losing right now. I did not mention the thousands from the past, the earlier years.

    Only now have I been able to think about it and admit it. On the day of my Platinum Badge I could finally revisit the past and look with horror at the amount of money lost. I would hate to go back on old bank statements and count it, because I don't think I could bear to know. I just know I no longer own a house although I have a very good rental situation. But I used to be extremely comfortable and now I just budget and reduced to a smaller income anyway.
    But I hope to say " I am so glad my gambling is over". I would not dare to say it yet, but I feel it could be that way.
    Keep trying friends
    Don't let it get you!
    Cheers
    Loui
    Great to hear that you are feeling it is starting to feel like it is all worth it and that you are feeling more confident about the changes you have made . Have a fantastic holiday! Two months in the sun...sound well earned to me....




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