Welcome to our online peer support community - A supportive place for anyone making change in their gambling, as well as concerned friends and family.
  • Connect, be inspired, motivate others. Share your experience & strategies.
  • Safe. Anonymous. Professionally moderated. Free of judgement.

    Before you can post or reply, join our online community today.
    Join us Tuesdays from 6pm for Chatty Tuesday.
  • Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Is someone you care about experiencing issues with gambling? Come in here to discuss your concerns, connect, and get some helpful tips.
    Charmaine
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:53 am

    Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:08 am

    Hi, I have known for 18 months now that my boyfriend is a gambler but just last week when he spent all out food money at the casino is when I broke!!! He is full blown textbook problem gambler. Steals money to gamble, gets his high interest payday loans to gamble and has no intention of paying them back to the point a government office came knocking on our door following up on the debt that followed him from Sydney to Darwin! He gets loans at cash converters againts whatever personal items he can to gamble. He makes fraudulent claims with this salary sacrifice company to try and get reimbursed cash for expenses he didn't make. He can't provide any type of financial future for me as he can't even buy food. I'm at my wits end. Living in Darwin the support network is limited he job doesn't allow him to leave to see a counsellor. I'm so frustrated and angry that I have to see a counsellor to learn how to deal with it. He always lives in the red. He has agreed to give me his atm card and oranginse his finances and and spending money but however he is going to get angry when I tell him no he can't have any more gambling money (more than he will be allowed) I'm not looking forward to that. He gets angry at me when I say no when he asks for MY money. No one is his family knows he extent of his gambling I'm the only one and I'm too embarrassed to tell my family so I feel alone. If it wasn't for me he would of gone to court to have money paid back to his overdue loans, would of lost his job as I gave him money for the money he stole from work! He is 30 years old! I don't know what to do! No councellers do after hours work here in Darwin and I really want him to talk to someone! He is in the defence force I even suggested surely the defence force have helpline and support groups but he is embarrassed and won't do it! I'm angry all the time! He lies about everything to do with money and spending! I don't trust him one bit! I'm hoping by having his ATM card and checking his bank statements and assigning money to bills come his pay day will help but I see the anger from already. I can't believe I have fallen in love with a severe gambler! Help!!
    0 x
    Jerry (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 331
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 1:02 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:48 pm

    Hi Charmaine,

    Sorry to hear that your partner is having such problems with gambling. It sounds like his is not really wanting help for his problems. If he is he can start by contacting gamblers helpline (1800 858 858), they can link him up with an appropriate service. But he has to make the call himself.

    The trouble with gambling is that it is extremely addictive so people only change when they start to experience some really large consequences of their gambling. Often it is easier to simply avoid these consequences by getting other people to bail them out. What you can do to help him to change is let him start to experience some of the consequences of his gambling. Going to court, loosing his job, going hungry are all consequences of gambling. If he never experiences consequences he has no reason to change.

    Make sure you keep your money safe, gamblers have a habit of gambling with other people's money, or guilting people into paying their debts for them.

    Sadly there is no easy answer and you might need to think about what you will do if he does not change.

    I hope it works out for you.
    0 x
    Charmaine
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:53 am

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Fri Aug 19, 2016 12:15 pm

    Thanks Jerry for your reply! Since my post he has started counselling as have I (seperately). He has also self excluded himself from the casino so progress is happening but I know it's still a very long way yet. His gambling and drinking go hand in hand self exclusion from the casino where his membership allows him free alcohol 24/7 will curb the drinking and in turn slow the gambling as he is not drinking while in the pokie room anymore. One day at a time. I also have stopped giving him money to bail him out and I've had my own bank account with my own savings in it. I've done my research. I hope he is serious and gets he help he needs. I have been told the counselling service I got him in to is the best in Darwin so I'm hoping they can really assist.
    0 x
    Jerry (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 331
    Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2015 1:02 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Fri Aug 19, 2016 12:43 pm

    That's fantastic Charmaine,

    the fact that you are both getting some professional help, and you have started keeping your money safe will surely help him to stay motivated. Now any gambling he does will cause him some direct consequences. Often it is that subtle shift that helps people to see their gambling as a problem.

    I think this is going to work great for you. Let us know how your journey goes.
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Sat Aug 20, 2016 8:16 am

    Hi Charmaine.it sounds like you are doing everything right to help your partner.It is a long road ahead but it is so worth it in the end.I wish you both well and hope you can work everything through
    0 x
    Charmaine
    Junior Member
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2016 7:53 am

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Thu Aug 25, 2016 3:37 pm

    Thanks everyone who replied. I know this is probably an individual circumstance question but how how long does it take for someone to stop problem gambling? If they stick with counselling and their partners support is there a good outcome?
    0 x
    pamela
    Senior Member
    Posts: 1716
    Joined: Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:38 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Thu Aug 25, 2016 11:26 pm

    Hi Charmaine..I gave up gambling 12 months ago..there is always a good outcome when you stop gambling..I knew I would never gamble again after about 3 months..and my relationship is so much better..
    0 x
    Charlotte (facilitator)
    Senior Member
    Posts: 384
    Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2014 10:53 am

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Fri Sep 02, 2016 3:01 pm

    Hi Charmaine,

    It's hard to put a time frame on it, as you're right, everyone is different. If your partner is motivated and determined, there is every possibility that he can make change in the long term, but how long this will take is another question. Some people have a bit of a stop start process i.e., stop for a period and then have a lapse - this is pretty par for the course, and doesn't mean all the work to change is undone - for the gambler, a lapse can be a really important learning experience and can provide further insight into patterns and triggers. If your partner is being honest with you and actively seeking help, this is positive. It seems that you're taking positive steps to support him, but also to protect yourself, so that's terrific.


    All the best,
    Charlotte
    0 x
    HisSister
    Junior Member
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2016 4:05 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Sat Nov 12, 2016 4:08 pm

    Hi Charmaine,
    Can you tell me what service you used in Darwin? looking for some good options for my brother. Hope things are still on the improve with you and yours.
    Thanks, JA
    0 x
    LaraT
    Junior Member
    Posts: 2
    Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2016 11:38 pm

    Re: Just realised how bad his gambling is!!

    Sat Dec 24, 2016 12:15 am

    Hi Charmaine reading your post is like reading my own story I also have a partner in defence who's is a CG and we also live in Darwin was it amity u got yours to see? Mine went once to amity we had a fight over him spending the last of our money that we had for almost a week and a half ( I was waiting to start a new job ) I left for a week and he hasn't bothered going back again. He's just gambled the last of his winnings from his last pay and has blamed me for not replying to his txt in time for him staying at the pub and betting. I have to laugh if I don't i won't stay sane :(
    0 x

    Return to “For Family and Friends”