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Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Sun May 22, 2016 1:13 pm
by Samantha 
Yesterday out of the blue my partner of 4 years (this Tuesday 24th) told me that he has a gambling addiction and has lost a significant amount of our savings. We have both just resigned from our jobs to go travelling for 6 months and I have been so excited the past few weeks. I asked him how much he had lost and he wouldn't tell me at first so I asked "what about the holiday?". He asked me how much I thought we would have before we went away to which I replied $45k and then he said we would only have $12k. He told me he had been bad the past 6 months and just a month ago he had won $30k (which seemed like so much money I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me) and that he had lost it all and around $30k more the past few weeks.

I have let him have full control of our finances as he is otherwise really good with money (we have 2 houses together) and I had the suspicion he was saving up for an engagement ring to propose while we were away. I feel so upset as now for us to be able to go away (and we've booked so much already and quit our jobs!), I will need to get a personal loan even though I have given him over $30k over the past 10 months (just me) that I thought was going towards our investments and savings for our once in a lifetime holiday.

I feel broken. I had hoped to go on this trip, get engaged and settledown and it feels like this dream has just been shattered. I feel hurt, betrayed, angry and deeply upset. We have no money for him to propse now and I don't even know if that's what I want now, I don't know if I could trust him again and I am terrified that even if he does recover, that he could relapse when we want to start a family.

I didn't see any signs because it was all online sports betting and he had full control of our finances with me transfering my money to him weekly to manage. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I can't stop myself from thinking 'what if I had insisted on seeing the finances' I could have stopped this a lot sooner as he has lost $20k in 4 days! I can't even come to terms with him throwing away that much money.

Do not know what to do. Questioning wether I should stay or leave at the moment and I don't feel like I can support him or be positive for him at the moment as I feel so shattered.

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Sun May 22, 2016 1:39 pm
by Jo-Anne
Hi Samantha.......I'm so sorry to read your post. I'm quite lost for words to express my sadness. I just want to let you know that the Gambling Helpline is there for you to call if you feel able to talk to someone. 1800 858858. They are also able to refer you to services that may help you both through this really tough time.

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Sun May 22, 2016 8:45 pm
by pamela
Hi Samantha what a dilemma to be in when you have made such big the help line and get some professional least your partner has come clean about his gambling and that is a big step..good luck

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Mon May 23, 2016 8:41 pm
by Alice
Wow Samantha I can relate to your story so much! Even down to the wedding ring. I felt like reading your story I felt I was reading my own. I never saw signs either because we were still paying all our bills and living normal! All I can say is 1 year down the track and we are closer then ever. If you guys can work through this it's worth it X

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Mon May 23, 2016 8:48 pm
by Alice
Please email me at alicecutting564@gmail if you need someone to chat to. :)

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Mon May 23, 2016 8:57 pm
by Alice
I have tried to PM you but I'm not sure if it has worked x

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Tue May 24, 2016 3:21 pm
by Miette (facilitator)
Hi Samantha,
Thank you for sharing on the forum. It must have been such a shock for you and I imagine an extremely difficult time. The feelings of hurt, deception and betrayal sound so strong and asking those ‘what if' questions can play into that pain and anger.

Do you have support Samantha – is there anyone that you have been able to open up to? It sounds like an extremely overwhelming time, particularly when it is leading you to question your future and when you don't have answers.

As Jo-Anne said – Gambling Helpline 1800 858 858 is a great place to start as you can be heard and supported by counsellors, and you can discuss support options going forward.
How is your communication with your partner at the moment? Do you feel he is wanting to change? Do you have a sense of what you need at the moment?

Best wishes,

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Tue May 24, 2016 4:18 pm
by Peter
Hey there wife would understand your feelings entirely. She had no idea in the slightest what was happening re our finances and my physcological depths. Her discovery of the extent of my losses was a severe impact on her as we had plans too that would never eventuate. I would give you one very clear piece of advice - do not mingle your finances from right now. Get your pay out and separated because you will be a target to finance the ongoing need by your partner to gamble. Do not get manipulated into believing that it (the gambling) is under control...way to early to be even thinking about that. If you feel that you can endure the recovery process go and help him seek assistance, if you can't see yourself surviving that then my advice would be to move on. Two broken people don't make one good one...harsh, but in some circumstances essential. Whatever your decision is at least the illness is in everyone's line of sight. Hope everything turns out well for you both.

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 7:11 pm
by Lis
Hi Samantha, I read your story and because it sounds like what happened to me 4 days ago, I wanted to write my story to show you you're not alone in this.

4 days ago I had everything. My partner and I had began talking about starting a family, we'd started to look for a house to buy, we were going to get engaged - in whatever order things happened, we were fine with that. We'd been together 3 years. A dog. Living in my flat that I bought before I met him. We've traveled. We were ready to settle down and we were excited. Everything was perfect.

Then he rang me at work and told me to come home- he was off work for a week because of a worksite issue. I couldn't leave work straight away, but worried it was something about the dog or someone had died, I told him to tell me on the phone. He said he had no money left, he'd gambled it away, and I had to come home, he didn't know what to do.

Out of the blue. Now I feel like I have nothing. And I'm 4 days into that nothing and it's overwhelming and sad.

He had already packed his bags when I got home, but i demanded to see his bank balance. I couldn't comprehend that the $20,000 he had told me he had saved was gone. That and he was in debt for a personal loan and credit card. I couldn't understand what had happened and I had no idea. He left, said he couldn't afford to buy me a ring,and that he couldn't hurt me any more, he was too ashamed.

I was in shock for 2 days. It was like a nightmare. I told my closest friends and called the helpline. The biggest piece of advice they gave me was to grieve and not to make any decisions right now.

Because I find I am torn between supporting him and being angry/ walking away. While he straight away called his parents, told the rest of his family, and told me he was going to get better, I was still so mad and said I couldn't be there every day at the moment. I got in touch with his family to ask them to help get some strategies in place. I've also spoken to him and said I will be here for support on the phone, but I'm struggling with whether I should be doing more than that.

Last night he sent me a text saying me and the dog were his world, and not to give up on him.

Samantha - I know it's been a few weeks now since your original post and I hope you've made progress, it whatever way you can to get through this time.

Re: Just Found Out About My Partners Addiction :(

Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2016 9:22 am
by pamela
Hi Lis wow you have really been through a lot in the last few days..I hope you and your partner can get the help you need to repair the damage..It will be a rocky path but it is obvious your partner has recognised the problem and if he gets help now it can be fixed..I wish you both all the best