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[Jimap]

Hi @KSMum
Wow I am truly sorry you are going through this with your son. He sounds like an amazing man who suffers from a terrible disease. I can only imagine how stressful and upsetting this has been for you and your entire family.
I have never hear of any rehabs for gambling. I am now out of my relationship with my ex partner who has a gambling addiction. I know this is hard to watch as you can most likely see the outcome won’t be good for your son financially or emotionally in relation to the care of his daughter and the possibility of going to jail.
Other than counselling, medication or exclusions from gambling facilities or bans on his phone apps their doesn’t seem to be much around to deal with this addiction. This is just from what I have experienced from when I lived with my partner.
If his ex partner was violent and he has primary custody through court then there may be ways around who looks after her if he did go to jail…I would be encouraging him to seek legal advice about this asap. If his daughter is at risk around her mother then you could contact child services to discuss your concerns.
I am a mother also so I can only imagine if this was my son I would be wanting to help him as much as possible. The thing I have learnt myself about this addiction is that if you don’t allow natural consequences then it often allows the cycle to continue. I learnt this lesson the hard way with bailing my partner out financially when if I had been brave enough and understood addiction enough I would have chosen a different approach. Doesn’t mean that you can’t support and love him but you also can’t rescue him from his choices…
Seeking support for yourself is vitally important. In order to support him you must look after yourself. Seek some counselling from someone experienced in addiction so you can off load your worries in a safe place. There are lots of podcasts about addiction and I often found these helpful when I couldn’t sleep at night and was up worrying about how my life had turned out like this. It can be hard to get your head around and you are most likely in shock and grief about what has happened behind your back.
Take care and reach out anytime.

[KSMum]

Thank you @Jimap for your supportive suggestions and encouragement. Once again I can’t sleep! I’m so worried. My son is working up North and returns next week. As far as I know, he is unaware that he is about to face a stark reality that his addiction is now known to his bosses and a wider group of friends. He may lose his job and be charged with stealing. His housemates who are a cousin and friends, are moving out. He is likely to be evicted in 2 weeks. It’s all the unknowns and the waiting game now.
I have listened to some videos of recovery from addicts and am listening to an audiobook at the moment. We have drug addicts in our wider family but a gambling addiction seems to be the hardest because you don’t inject or consume it, it’s in the body already and the whole brain composition changes. I have joined groups online. I am rereading Peter Lyndon-James’ book “Tough Love”. He slams parents like me who have helped our son so much but we believed his lies and were manipulated by fear and desperation. We have lived with addiction before (sister-in-law) and attempted suicide (our daughter with depression) so being tough when you are so frightened for them is easier said than done. But we thought we were just dealing with trauma from domestic violence, not a severe gambling addiction.
My husband and I spoke tonight about what may happen next week and the possibility of having to let our son ‘go’ and what will be will be. Letting him face natural consequences seems to be what most people are saying. And that’s rock bottom now. This means letting our granddaughter go too, as her mother will regain custody and we can’t afford more court costs. Our granddaughter is probably more at risk now with my son than she was with her mother because of the neglect and uncertainty the addiction will cause. We have ‘lent’ our son $50k in rescuing him from his relationship, paying his way back to WA and into a new home and paying for family lawyers. We are spent emotionally and financially. Our dreams for him are shattered. I have to remind myself that he didn’t get here by accident. We all have trauma. We don’t all make bad (and selfish) choices. Our son was a beautiful child and young man, he was loved, admired and respected by many. All of that has been taken away by his chosen methods of escape from trauma. Thank you for acknowledging to me that he is an amazing young man. He is lost. We need to get him back!
I will keep you posted. Thanks again for your support and I’m so sorry you have also fallen a victim to the impact of the gambling addiction of a loved one.

[Jimap]

Hi @KSMum i can see how worried and anxious you are for your son and what lies in front of him. One of my biggest worries is that my own son gets involved in gambling when he is older due to watching his father and his fathers family sit around gambling and drinking. I have tried to protect my children from this as much as I can but now we are separated I can not control what they see at their fathers house. They do not know he has an addiction or that this is the reason why our family broke up. I hate gambling so much. I try to separate it from the person but it’s hard. The lies, selfishness, manipulation, denial..it’s like dealing with a stranger but it’s the same person who you love at the same time. Total mind f### if you ask me.
Tough love is hard and I personally think it’s different for everyone. There will be people who will judge him and not have anything to do with him anymore but he is your son and this connection makes it even more harder for you to not want to help. It’s deciding what you will and won’t help with. Until the consequences of gambling are so bad for him he won’t want to stop. Maybe this might mean jail, loss of job and income, homelessness or loss of his daughter…it’s sad to think about I know.
Not sure if you have IG but I follow a woman called ‘addiction makes 3’..I have accessed her support and this has been so helpful for me moving forward. I know it’s hard but you sound like an over thinker like me..overthinking can be a curse in situations like this as you really have no control over what is going to happen and our minds tend to think of the worst case scenario’s. Take things one day at a time, keep talking or journaling your worries and find some counselling where you can safely express what has happened to you and your family.

[Cat1]

Hi, I really need some advice. I just found out my husband is a compulsive gambler. We had long term savings in two banks to buy a house, all 400,000 is Gone including inheritance from my Aunt , he cleaned out our kids savings accounts and he owes 12,000 to some loan shark. I found out by hacking his email account last Thursday. We have nothing! I can’t cry anymore, I hate him so much. I recently started back to work and have $2,000 in my account. I am just wondering if I will be able to get a car loan from the bank or will they see me as a gambler who has spent all my savings as both our names are on a/c’s. I did a credit rating score and it says good. Should I ring financial debt counsellor and tell them everything to clear my name? I can’t believe any of the banks didn’t even send an email to let me know that he was taking so much money. Any advice would be so appreciated. I made him ring his Aunt and tell her as this is too big for me to deal on my own. All the lies he has told me for years… we had an everyday account which we used, always had enough money not to raise any suspicion, so why would I not have trusted him. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I told him not to do anything stupid as I don’t have enough money to bury him..

[Pikachu]

Hi @Cat1,
Thank you for sharing this with us. Im sorry to hear what you are going thorugh. Finding out what's happening this way is tough. Have you or are you considering talking to your husband about your thoughts and feelings?
You mentioned you are thinking about financial counselling, you can get some information about where to go by call the National number: 1800 858 858. THey can link you with the gambling agency, where you can get counselling and get some other support as well.
We are here to help, let us know if you have any quesitons.

[Marti]

Hi, I am new to this forum looking to connect with wives of husbands who have discovered their partner has a serious gambling problem. I discovered by chance this week that my husband of 27 years has a gambling problem and that we are financially broke and in serious debt. Sadly, I have a younger brother who is also a gambler so I fully understand the habits of a gambler and what it does to one’s family. My family has experienced the consequences of my brother’s situation for over 10 years now and I do not have any faith that my husband will fully recover and I just can’t go through the cycles that I know we will be faced with. It is being suggested by my husband’s family that perhaps I didn’t love him in the first place as I want to separate. This both offends and infuriates me as our marriage has not been an easy ride and I have forgiven many of his and family’s hurtful actions and moved forward to work on our marriage over the years. I just feel a huge sense of betrayal and that I am married to someone I don’t know and who has by his own admission been dealing with gambling for a period of 6 years. I feel our life has been a lie and that my dreams of living with him in retirement etc have been shattered. I am struggling to sleep and get through each waking minute right now and feel so alone despite having my siblings and beautiful children supporting me with lots of love and care.

My husband has moved out as I cannot bare to look at him right now. I have two teenage children and I am grappled with how I am going to cope on my own. My biggest concern is holding down my job which is very demanding followed by not being able to confide in my social networks as he wants me to keep this gambling revelation a secret.

It’s early days I know, but any support you can give to help me would be appreciated.

[Pikachu]

Hi @Marti,
Thank you for sharing your story here with us. I can't image how much pain you are experiencing right now. It must been hard finding ouot about this after so many years.
There are some peer support services for people who are affected by their loved ones' addiction problem like yourself. SHARC is one of the services. This is their wesite if you want to have a look: https://www.sharc.org.au/sharc-programs ... ling-help/. They have online meetings you can attend and get some connection as well. Another one is called Smart Recovery. Similar to SHARC, they have online meetings. https://smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au/family-friends/.
Don't hesitate to let us know if there is anything we can help you with.

[Pinacle2020]

Hello,

I’m new here and also the wife of a gambling addict. I’ve known about his gambling for a while now, but it just keeps getting worse. He moved out last year because he wouldn’t stop gambling and since then he’s just gotten worse. He has recently asked me to take over his money, help him sort out his bills and help him get his car back. I’m not sure if I should help him and if this is enabling him or supporting him. Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.

[Pikachu]

Hi @@Pinacle2020,
Welcoem to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story. I have included some resources in the welcome message we sent you. Let us know if you have any questions.

It is hard being in this situation. One way to find out if helping your husband managing his finance is the right move is to have a conversation with him, let him know your concerns. Let us know what you decide to do and how it's going on for you.

Anyone else has some thoughts about this situation that you would like to share?